Friday, 30 July 2010


Hello there, it’s a big day for the Aldershot Woes as today we hit a BIG number, yep the old three-zero… personally I have 2 years 8 months and a few days till I’m 30, so it wont be a BIG depressing coming of age, when did I get so fucking old type blog, no-sir-ee, in order celebrate the landmark 30th episode of the Aldershot Woes I’m going to be taking a sideways glance with a squinty eye at FREINDSHIP… as I just read this thing about it (link below) and I think its marvellous… simply marvellous, but also terrifying and dreadful.

To briefly summarise the story, a new US report has proven that by having a good network of friends you will increase YOUR chances of survival by a whopping 50%, which is brilliant if you are a social person, but now for the terrifying bit… “They calculate that having few friends is as damaging to survival as smoking 15 cigarettes a day or being alcoholic” … What the fuck, as if lonely people don’t have enough to deal with already, now they are being told that social awkwardness is as bad as smoking or being a dunk, now what if you are a smoker and a drinker and also a loner… well you may as well stove your head in with an ashtray right fucking now!

Now on to the bit that actually matters, ME. I have always been a social person, I have been lucky to have made some great friends in my life and for that I will always be grateful. I had always enjoyed being part of social networks (real not virtual), going out with mates and having a laugh, drinking and smoking and getting in to all sorts of trouble… good friends, good times. But that was then, this is now… Now I am happily married and a father to three incredible and wonderful children, another gift from life I will be eternally grateful for, but I NEVER go out and I never SEE my friends. Chat on the phone, exchange emails, the occasional text yeah, but I don’t go out, I don’t see them and as a result the emails, calls and texts are becoming fewer and further between. Now I accept this as part and parcel of marred life and parenthood, plus, no offence to any of my friends but the time I spend with my wife and my children means a hell of a lot more to me than going to the pub, getting drunk and talking absolute shit (which as my blog tells you, I am a master at). It doesn’t help that my two youngest are so close together and still tiny, 16 months one and 6 weeks the other, it just isn’t easy organising any time to see anyone… even if I wanted to, I have a responsibility to stay in and get pooped on.

I have always told my self that once the kids are older then I can re-start my life and see friends and socialise and be a regular grown up again, but lets be honest there is no guarantee that this will happen, and if I am honest some more its pretty bloody unlikely that it ever will happen. My friends will have moved on, and by the time my kids are old enough, my friends will just be starting to have kids of there own (I am the young dad out of my mates, who still booze and club and have nightmares about dying lonely and unloved with no kids), or they would have moved to other countries, or worse still they will be exactly as they were when I last saw them. They’ll try to engage me by telling me the things that mattered to me when I was last social with them, many years before, regaling me with tales about whose shagged who and who to get the best weed off nowadays and what festivals and clubs they have been to, and I’ll be bored off my tits. And worse for them as I’ll be showering them with tales of first days at school and how developed and wonderful my kids are (I am terrible with this, my son is 6 weeks and I am already prattling on about how fucking awesome and advance he is as he can hold up his own head already…. But come on 6 weeks, that’s pretty incredible, he’s going to be the first England captain to win the world cup and the PDO world championship in the same year!). Anyway, the end result is us both being bored to death and thoroughly depressed about each other and ourselves.

If am honest even more, which is now a ridiculous amount of honesty, I think I always knew it’d end up this way from the moment I knew I was gonna be a dad and I was always cool with it, but now I have learned that by trying to be responsible and a good dad, I am cutting my chances of survival by %50… and if I am dead I will be failing my children… this is a catch 22 if ever I have seen! And what makes it worse is pre-fatherhood me drank like a fish and smoked like a rasta, but I quit both (ok I do have the occasional booze, but no smoking at all) in order to be a better father… as soon as I knew I was going to be a dad I felt overwhelmingly guilty when ever I smoked, I just couldn’t enjoy it… fucking kids ruin everything!. But now I am being told that the steps I have taken to ensure I am around for as long as I can to help my children and be a good father is all a great fecking waste and is actually killing me. I could have spent the last few years as drunk as judge and blazing the crop like a, absolute madman and I’d be no worse off… It’s all making me think I need to re-assess the situation.

But I think I have devised a plan to allow me to pursue my fatherly responsibilities, but also ensure I have a network of people to care for me and help me out in my twilight years (I mean when I am old, not when I have been bitten by a gay vampire). Its simple, and if you’re an unsocialite like my self I suggest you do the same… When you get to about 45-50 make friends with some teenagers, not real friends obviously as teenagers are wankers, just make them think your their friend, buy them a 3 litre bottle of White Lightning or something, anyway maintain this friendship for the rest of your life, it’ll be simple just bestow some fatherly experience or hook them up with some drugs every now and again, and by the time you’re actually old you’ll have a team of easily maintainable “friends” many years your junior to help you out and keep you alive… a full proof plan I think you’ll find and no one will even know what your doing, as there is nothing suspicious about a middle aged man befriending some teenagers and getting them drunk…

Well then, who would have thought socialising was ever going to be worthwhile? Be honest, no one did, ever, but a study has proven it is and it even goes as far to say "When someone is connected to a group and feels responsibility for other people, that sense of purpose and meaning translates to taking better care of themselves and taking fewer risks" so being good to others is also good for you!!??? One step at a time though…


*ok you'll note i have done 2 thirties, this gets me back on track for the missing 13th woe that never was...


  1. ha ha and now a proper comment -

    Married life does decrease your social life when you have kids but I never believe these daft things anyway (aprt from the smoking and drinking bit)

    Do you write all these at the weekend and just judiciously space them out over the next few days?

  2. Adam, no mate, i write them quickly, bassicaly open my head and this shit falls out... I can type very quickly so between calls and emails and other work shit they only take an hour or so to do... and i put very little thought in to them until i start typing...

  3. like many things, it puzzles me. If I exercise 5 times a week I reduce my chances of death by 30%, if I take a baby aspirin every day it's another 30%, if I have a network of friends it's a 50%, if I eat veg and less crap it's up 20%, annual check-ups 30%, daily laughter gives me a +10% kick in the life stakes. At this rate I'll never die (unless it's a freak accident like getting suffocated between Angelina Jolie's legs or a deliberate killing like getting suffocated between Angelina Jolie's legs or I possibly poisoned if I ever dine at Brewsters).

  4. Word em up, R bruddah.
    I've always been in a social madhouse having worked in discos and clubs for years and now having a bar means I've got loadsa "friends", so I should live 'til I'm about 357. Unfortunatly I don't really like most of them, but luckily I smoke like a chimney and drink like a fish. It all even itself out in the end.

  5. Just made some quick calculations based on the formula of friends vs smoking and drinking.

    If my mathes are correct I should be dead within.........Errrmmm.........5 years ago.

  6. Never did like the Italian Job remake, or any other remakes.

    Oh sorry, wrong blog, read them all, cant be arsed going back

    eggsellent reads as ever

  7. Morning guys

    This is news to me! Apparently Kanu is only 34? I used to think he is 44 or something
    Kanu stays at Pompeiiiiiiyyyyy

  8. Holloway2Holland said...
    Just made some quick calculations based on the formula of friends vs smoking and drinking.

    If my mathes are correct I should be dead within.........Errrmmm.........5 years ago.
    H, your mathes are incorrect. You should be dying in the next 5 hours according to mine