Hello again, right hopefully this will work, I have written 4 intros already today and every time I have had some great fucking meltdown between the version of Word I am using and the version of Office I am using. I don’t know why, its never done it before, but every time it has happened it has sent both programs spiraling wildly out of control, which in PC terms means frozen bollock still… anyway, seeing as how I have already written 4 different shite-stained intros, I shall dispense the usual formalities and cut straight to… Aldershot Woes Episode 24: Technology.
I am a fairly chilled person, this is for a few good reasons, firstly I was literally stoned off my face for a solid decade, and though I grew up and left the gangee in the past, the mellowness has left its footprint in my eternal soul, another reason is I am generally to lazy to get worked up about things, it requires a tremendous amount of effort to be enraged by something, and I really don’t have the time for it. The last and probably biggest reason I hate getting mad about things is, and this is true for everyone, you look like an absolute cock when you do. You get hot and bothered, usually sweaty, you say things that are pretty abhorrent and instantly regrettable, and once you have shouted your mouth off and kicked and punched and head-butted and gauged and spat at what ever it is that has got you all worked up like a Guardian reader at a meat and pollution expo, hosted by Jeremy Clarkson wearing a George Dubbya Bush T-shirt made of misappropriated foreign aid money and dead polar bears, you are left shaking like a leaf as the adrenaline surges through your body and you come to the realization that the hell of the last few minutes was in public and you could well be the biggest boob that has ever lived and you want to drown in a lake of your own complete prickishness! All public shows of real emotion are an embarrassment but the over riding wang-factor that goes with raging is just too much to even contemplate… But as I have found out this morning technology is able to coax me out of my shell of chillaxation and lure me in to the lime light of being a complete dick-shaft all too easily.
Technology is smug shiny bright flashing beeping twat of a bastard, and if we all lived in caves and beat dinosaurs over the head for our tea and wore shitty fucking saber tooth tiger tunics I would be far happier than I am now lost in a sea of twattish useless technology, that I am not only being told I cant live with out I am now being forced in to a situation where I actually can’t live with out… well unless I go and become some sort of hermit, but I’d get lonely and end up scribbling hate filled tirades of bad grammar and anger on the wall of my cave (not a million miles from where I am right now)… Technology, urghhhrrrr.
The worst part of my relationship with technology is this, given my age I should be on the fucking cusp, I should have an I-phone and know how to set up my broadband properly and I should be able to download shit for free rather than pay for it like a mug. I ought to be able to watch streaming football matches and I ought to know how to get my laptop to stop loading a zillion different things I don’t want when I start it up... Why do I have so many different Anti-Virus things start up at once? MacAfee are telling me I need to update NOW, Norton are assuring me if I don’t renew or install the full version my family will be killed in their sleep by Nigerian fraudsters. It’s completely befuddling, and once that’s done Real Player is trying to log on to my internet to offer me updates I have to download and telling all about the latest MP3s and a whole host of other shite I have no interest in, then as soon as that’s done, a Nokia app I thought I had to install to see the pics on phone pipes up, then I-tunes and they all start fighting with each other because WMP is the set media player and I really ought to change to another one as they all start vying for me attention… anyway 50 minutes later, my laptop which is still newish and good(ish) is in some sort of working order… God it’s a tremendous fucking bore just to find the footy results as the wife is annoyed at me checking via the “Red-Button” every 2 seconds… But this infinite technological headache is made a thousand times worse due to the fact I have NO excuse for not being a techo-wiz-kid like the average 9 year old.
I am 27, when I was at school the internet was still in its infancy in terms of the number of people who had it, I had a few mates who were well off and they had the “NET”. But I had no interest in it and no chance of any home based technological influence as my mums idea of technology is usually a fucking Camping gadget (“it’s a knife, fork, spoon, bowl, and plate all in one, it saves us precious packing space!!”) and my dad up until 2 years ago was still fighting this newfangled devil disc called a CD??? But I do remember going to my friend’s houses and seeing first hand the marvel of the internet when I was about 15 or so, and I was not impressed at all. All it seemed to be was an endless string of chat-rooms and incredibly shit games. Look were playing Ski3, but with some one in Denmark!!! Wowsers… I honestly thought it would go the way of the bar-code battler or the game of Scatch (remember that the Velcro padded tennis ball catching game?)… But it didn’t get old and boring, apparently I did. My family did finally get a PC at the very end of the last millennium, just in time for my dad to be sure it would kill us all at the stroke of midnight on New Years Eve as Y2K kicked in and the shitty Gateway PC we had grew arms and strangled us in our sleep thanks to the dreaded Millennium Bug. What the fuck was all that about? “beware all as on the start of the new millennium your PCs internal clock will rollover and start at zero, casting society back to the days of Christ!!”. Anyway, I was dumfounded by the thing but I did learn how to watch highly amusing videos of frogs in blenders, and I also managed to navigate my way to websites where you could see honest to god real dead celebrities… the internet was very shit for a long time.
Badly animated 80s cartoon parodies and dead celebrities aside, I found little or no use for the internet at all. In the distance I can hear readers cry out loud the word “porn”, as though I have missed the great keystone of the internet, but alas the world of late 90s uber slow to load dial-up modem internet porn never tickled my fancy… and with good reason. The newly purchased family PC was located in the dining room, not ideal territory for knocking out a sly one, especially as my dad was camped out with a baseball bat watching the computer with growing paranoia and impending sense of new millennium doom. Although unfortunately my elder brother felt no such qualms in partaking in left handed mouse usage, although his less than IT savvy mind didn’t see fit to hide his trail of internet grub, which led to my mums first foray online beginning in clicking wildly at the address bar in Internet Explorer and ending on a video of Japanese girls getting covered in midget jizz… She hasn’t been online since bless her. Nope, not one good thing about the internet could be found by me… So I more or less ignored it and waited for the next fad to come in. But whilst I was in technological limbo the internet and all its high powered micro-processored buddies were gathering followers and strength, until we are where we are today, the fucking future, and rather than the hover boards and ray-guns we were promised all we have is shiny stupid phones and the ability to tell people what we are doing 24 hours a day, it is not the bright utopia we had hoped for, still at least the Martians haven’t taken over, thank heavens for small mercies.
Now apart from having been born as part of the silicon generation and still not having clue one about how to use a pc, or an i-phone or an i-pod, in fact almost all the entire i-range is beyond my simple grasp, the i-pad has me shitting it, there is another reason I should be good with this techno stuff… I have worked selling IT for the last 6 years! Yep, I have advised multi million pound corporations on what servers they should go with, on what software they need to buy, I have reeled off the marvels of multi-core processors to government agencies and made serious recommendations about power supply back ups to police forces, I have made heart felt pleas for people to look not only at their data storage, but how they store it, their RAID configurations, and then how they erase the fucking stuff once they’re done with it, safely. And the whole time I have not had an iota of an idea on how to turn “sticky keys” off on Word, or how to install a printer or load songs on to a bastard i-pod… a total hypocrite I know, and all the while still to lazy to actually learn how to do any of this stuff. And now I am a dinosaur before my time, and in a couple of years my kids will be coming home from school and plugging their homework in to the surgically attached i-ports in their heads and virtually whizzing around the world in hi-def super 4D technology and they will look at me like I am a fucking caveman, as I sit there scratching my arse reading a book or playing darts, can you believe it real hold in your hands like a troglodyte darts, not shiney bleeping techno darts… I am an embarrassment.
Technology, it has me over a barrel and has left with no choice but to embrace it with open arms, this is mainly because it actually has some good stuff, well it has slightly updated stuff to when I first saw it, more funny videos (I am tempted to say Virals to sound cool, is that what they are???) and rather than dead celebrities it has alive ones 24/7 and the news is great and comment sections on articles and blogs show the best most wacky and impressively deranged members of the online community. And though I am not a technophobe I will always the sort of person who can put up a brick wall but be fucking clueless with a firewall (surely it can’t be as cool as it sounds?). To an extent I have embraced technology for what it is, part of life and one that is increasingly unavoidable, I wont buy an i-phone and my laptop will always take forever to turn on, but I know enough to spout this gutter shit and put it somewhere unsuspecting member of society can read it ONLINE, which is progress. (infact I only started this blog by accident trying to log on to leave inane comments on Robbos blog!).
Well there you go another day another Woe, you can’t follow me on Twitter as I can’t use the fucking thing.