Friday, 9 July 2010


So then, its here at last, the day we all wait for, Friday, and what better way to celebrate the Smokey Bacon of the Walkers selection pack that is “the week” than another mosey through the half-baked, semi retarded, quasi bastard, octo-readable, hexiteenthed wordage, that is the Aldershot Woes… How’do?

Today with the advent of the 21st Woe we enter a world of official adulthood and with an air of newfound maturity on today’s Woe we are going to be taking a look at a subject that is hard to define and is sought as hard as it avoided. It is an unfathomable quantity completely created by man, it is definable through perception alone and means something wholly different to everyone who comes in to touch with it. So with no more delay we put on our crumbiest tweed jackets, shine up our leather elbow patches, stroke our goatees with a look of controlled bewilderment and puff jauntily on our pipes as we take a look in the confusing world of… The Truth.


The truth… what is it, who wants to know and why ever would they want to? Its something we all wonder about constantly, even if we don’t know we are doing it, we are… even right now probably. We use it to define ourselves in both our eyes and the eyes of others, it is the self inflicted bench mark of humanity and the cruel thing is not one of us has a bloody clue what it is… ever. We have built our entire society around this principle, and though the search for it remains a catalyst for human endeavour it is also a huge bloody anchor around our necks. By looking for universal truths and meanings we will never be contented with the simple blessing of existence. Looking for the truths of ourselves in terms of origin, for me, is the biggest waste of time ever, for centuries nerdy guys have locked themselves in laboratories using extreme mathematics and algorithms to predict not only the when but the how of the universe itself. By studying rock patterns and lunar projections and hypothesising the size shape and distance of the universe these boin-dexters have wasted their lives looking for a suitable explanation of how it all began, and even after a life time of study and research the answers are little more than over educated guesses. What a futile waste of human brain power and resources and life. If you woke up one morning surrounded by piles of money, would you spend the rest of your life trying to work out where it all came from or would you get straight down to the old coke and hookers department of your nearest John Lewis??? But again the human obsession with truth enthrals these undoubtedly brilliant minds in to wasting the chances they had of making genuine changes in the world. And if we ever did have concrete evidence of what came before us and how it all happened it would probably be a great fucking disappointment like the StarWars prequels, and would make us more depressed then we are now anyway…

But it isn’t just the truth of exactly who and why and what we are that fills the minds of our species we are also obsessed with social truths, the truths that tell us all how to live and behave and judge others. These truths are entirely manmade and are contorted and shaped to society’s trends, but by and large it is the truth that you should be good and work hard. However this area of truth is where it is most confusing.
Society is a great tug-o-war between bullshit and honesty, and more over the bullshit side is pulling honesty through the mud along his face. People by their very nature are bullshitters, which despite how it sounds is not a bad thing. It is the single greatest defence mechanism of mankind and with out the ability to bullshit the world would have been in ruins long ago. Although our egos would like to believe other wise all compromise is the art of bullshit, with out the skill for 2 opposing parties to bullshit to each other all disagreements would result in eventual conflict. All day everyday people live honest lies for the greater good of themselves and the people they love. Be it going to work or taking the kids to school, eating a healthy breakfast even just getting out of bed in itself is a huge mountain of bullshit most days. Life unfortunately for all of us is a series of shitty tasks performed in the faint hope that one day you will be justified in performing them, and by and large that hope is met. But that does nothing to make doing these things any less bullshit and dishonest. The great paradox of the social truth is the more of a lie your life is, the greater the betrayal it is to the things you want to do and the person you are, the more honest it is. Transversely those that are the most honest in society, those that live by their base desires and put the wants of themselves before all else are the most dishonest in society. Sacrifice is made by all decent members of society all the time, a few monetary sacrifices are thrust upon us by the world we live in, like taxes, but the vast majority of sacrifices we make are completely of our own devices. Having kids is a huge sacrifice, as is serious commitment to someone you love, going to work is a sacrifice, getting along with people is more sacrifice, helping others is another, as is asking for help, caring is a sacrifice, making friends is a sacrifice, walking to the shops is an enormous sacrifice, getting on a bus even bigger than that, putting up with people you simply detest for your job or your home is a sacrifice, living in a world which forces you to be part of it and gives you no power to change or speak or do a damn thing about it is a sacrifice… Life is a crappy series of sacrifices all for the benefit a greater good we don’t understand, but in doing so it enables society to strike a balance that works and grows and occasionally shows the faint glimmer of happiness (ok more than occasionally, but it has to sound bad for my long winded analogy to work). But all of the hardships life throws up are controllable through bullshitting, by turning the other cheek and telling yourself it doesn’t matter, by smiling through gritted teeth, by saying hello to your neighbour when all you really want to do is smash their stupid face in for playing fucking techno at 3 in the morning. Without bullshit being an intricate part of who we are society would explode in a sea of anger. By denying our lazy shitty base human desires by effectively lying to ourselves we are able to achieve things and be part of a society which does fail massively in some areas but could be (and we forget this all to often) about 6 trillion times worse. If we all start being honest with society we embrace the bad nature, and one of the worst flaws of man is the fact it takes no effort at all to be a complete shit sack but to be a decent person you have to work unbearably hard all your life, and even then there is no guarantee.

Wow the truth of society is long and boring and my argument is fractured and made poorly, but I’ve written it now and so it stays, plus I sort of almost make a point half way through. Anyway now on the bit about truth we all care about, how much of a putrid waste of skin, bone and shit are you? Yeah it’s the best till last… the everyday personal truth, and where we search drastically for the truths to the great unknowns and are trapped in a paradox by the truths of society when it comes to personal truths we all start running for our lives like extras in a Godzirra (is that racist?) movie!
Shut up, fuck off and don’t judge me… pretty much the rule of today’s world like contestants in a twisted game show we all do our best to hide our ugliness and general ignorance and every other rancid trait we have, and the best way to hide just how appalling we really are? It’s easy, just cover them bad boys in a thick skin of bullshit, and hope for the best. We all lie, from great big whoppers to tiny little white ones, its just every now and again we have a desperate need to fib like a naughty kid. We usually do this out of social inadequacies or to protect ourselves from some hideous embarrassing truth, that if it ever reared its head would have us chased out of society by an angry crowd with pitch forks! Silly lies like this usually get us in the shit eventually and can spiral rapidly out of control and before you know you’re in some farcical Larry David type situation, we all know that kind of lying is either stupid or in some cases plain cuntish. The lies that go with personal truths though are far more interesting, and less hideous and deplorable. Often the truths we wish to hide, especially for men, are the most endearing ones, as for some reason these are seen as signs of potential weakness. Men have to lie about being tough all the time, and it is shit. I had the bad fortune of growing up in a crap town and unfortunately as a result when I was younger I got involved in fights, I have both beaten and been beaten and numerous times when not been involved in some stupid act of mindless violence I have witnessed the horror and the misery it inflicts at close quarters. I can assure any one if they have any doubt that being tough and fighting is completely shit. Nowadays I, like all other sensible people avoid violence at all costs, yet as a big stinking liar of a human, if some one gives me the evil eye when out and about rather than shy away I will stare back with insincere anger… and why, coz I have to be moron… It’s stupid, men especially spend all our time giving each other dead legs and arm wrestling, when the truth is we hate it like crazy! Women on the other hand put up huge walls of bullshit, in ways that baffle and confuse my simple man-mind. The area that women are least honest it appears to me is with their friends, if you put 2 woman together they will gaggle on for hours about any insipid topic you waft in front of them, they will laugh raucously and seem the very bestest of buddies. But the truth is every woman everywhere hates everyone of her friends intently. Another grey area for truth with women is their appearance, I wont go to in to this for it will sound like a shit stand up, but I will highlight the problem briefly as it is actually a truism for all humanity… and the thing is this. A woman always asks for the truth, but they do not mean the truth, they mean “what do you honestly think I want to hear”. And when it comes to personal truth that’s how we all are, we all know the truth, we know were fat and lazy and dreadful and ugly and stupid, but we desperately want to hear a “truth” that tells us otherwise.

So to summarise we have a confusing and twisted view of the truth, we all seek it when we don’t need to, ignore it when its bad and run from it when its ugly. But I think the biggest problem is that truth is purely down to perception, and though it is measurable for something’s it is meaningless for others, and rather than worry about what others think or how society judges us or exactly why we are here, we need to embrace possibly the only real truth of life. We live, then we die, and we get no second chances… So embrace life to its fullest and make as many pie jokes as you possible can.

Fucking hell, I have written some contrite shit in the past but what was that all about, I don’t know I’ve just been at work tapping bollocks away as I am so desperately bored between doing bits of actual work, I’m also tired as anything and not in the jolliest of moods… Ah well, at least I have some good honest as the day is long bollocks written, cor what a load of shite though, and whats with the end, very corny indeed…. Anyway it’s the weekend so who fucking cares, I’ll try and be funny on Monday!

You can follow me on twitter if you want but I am very honest and I will call you a cunt-sniff.



  1. Gonna have to read that again on monday, my brain has switched off being a friday afternoon and you have packed a lot into that one.

    Im sure its great tho and will enjoy next time im supposed to be working

    Enjoy your weekend unless ofcourse you wanna be miserable, i will be on sunday once the footie is finished

  2. I am now depressed and must sacrifice free time to do work

    Truth Stinks but its better than lying

  3. I dunno how you manage to write so much mate. I'm done after 750 words usually.

    And you're in work while I'm on the couch scratching my arse!

    The truth is a beautiful thing. Hope the weekend is good for you!

  4. That was a great read mate... Honest, I wouldn't lie to you, well, not about something important like this.....

    Shit, now I don't even know if I'm sincre our not, even though I am... and.... errrr...

    Fuck it..

    SNH5 Maaaaannnnggggg!

  5. i tend to agree with your bleak view of humanity and that truth ia a broken lightbulb failing to shine its subjective rays of hope into the bottomless despair of Cosmic Nothingness

    this is my story of enlightenment : several years ago i went on a personal journey to see a famous guru in the Hindu Kush of northwestern pakistan. it was a journey that changed me forever.

    a friend of mine had followed the hippy trail to india and learned of this man by word of mouth. i swore to him i would never tell anyone the gurus name and ive always held true to that promise.

    it took me a long time to get there and even longer to locate the gurus cave, half way up a mountain. the climb was arduous and dangerous. would the mountains have been improved without the bandits? im not sure. on i climbed.

    after i arrived, exhausted, i had to wait two days before he would speak to me.

    then the wise old man appeared to me one morning like a vision of wisdom and in a calm voice, barely audibly he muttered only 4 words, which i treasure and will never forget:

    "no muff too tough"

  6. brilliant....i mean rubbish.....i mean brilliant....i mean rubbish.....i mean brilliant....

    Whoah, that was a tough one mate, but the brilliants edged the rubbish 3-2, although the rubbish hit the bar and the ball surely crossed the line......fucking FIFA cunts.

    RBA, i love your work man. Seriously you should push yourself forward mate. I would steal a paper if you wrote a blog in it. I would use an itunes ripper to get yer podcast for free. I would (c'mon scholesy you ginger cunt, think of something else) break in through an emergency exit, find my way around the corridors of a west end theatre and stumble on to the stage to hear you reading out your latest blog whilst Gazza hits a triangle to emphasise each and every full stop.

    I would do all that, just to experience your blogs.....honest.

  7. should fucking read back what i have written...blogs in papers.....sigh.......COAT

  8. Blogger just did that thing where it made what i just post disapear, so incase it doesn't magically turn up it was just bassically... thanks for the kind words...