Back again so soon? Well yeah I am bored and need to extrapolate some of the mind trumps which are spewing out my thinker at an alarming rate… that’s right its 2 in 2 days of the blog equivalent of eating a turd sandwich, it’s the 23rd Aldershot Woe.
Well the Woe-seekers, we have explored all sorts since I started writing this murky thought dribble I call the Aldershot Woes a lot of important things have happened in the world, governments have been formed, world cups have been boring, simpering idiots have been locked in a house with their fate in the hands of members of the public, but I already mentioned the government being formed… hahaha, ohhhh sweet, sweet satire. But we here at the Woes haven’t looked at any of those things, rather than doing what the man has said we should do, we have walked our own rebellious path of retardedness and today is no different... so where as I could bring you an insightful piece of writing about global economics or the wrongs of war or drugs or the increase in teenage mortality rates in inner city communities I am instead going to moan about a far more serious problem… Old People!
I love old people, I just couldn’t eat a whole one… the words of Barry Munton a man who was arrested last month for semi digesting an elderly man in Eastbourne, and though his actions have been wildly condemned by the greycentric media, his actions are gaining support from many corners of society… And why? I’ll tell you why old people are becoming a nuisance…
Medicine it’s great, it enables people to live to 80 and be fit and healthy and never have to suffer, sounds like the shit to me. But what about those over 80, is medicine doing the right thing for these leathery, skeletal members of society or is it abusing its power and playing god, keeping those that should have long since passed on alive and well, and crotchety and smelling like cabbage and wee…
Old people are everywhere you go and if they are not close to death and seriously depressing they sitting on busses talking loudly about their grandchildren or trying to partake in conversations with strangers and making everyone they do speak to feel bloody awkward. “You’ll be old too one day” I hear may people say, yes and I’ll be a depressing annoying drain on society, only fit for handing out Wurthers Originals or buying lottery tickets. Well its about time we did something about old people as they are set to become the vast majority of us, which means that the depressing bitter near-to-deaths are going to have more power than ever… and do you want that?
People are going to live longer and longer, right now in the UK we have more over 70s than we do under 16s, and given that the vast majority of our under 16s are pregnant, by the time our under 16s become our over 70s the average age of people in the UK will be 300. And given the fact that we will all have to work well in to our early hundreds before we can even think of retiring, society will transform and a grey dawn of the knitted regime will be upon us. The over 70s will be fitter and more affluent than ever before, and society will be forced in to line with its blue-rinsed majority. Lawn bowls will get all the lucrative sponsorship deals, and its best players will be forced in to the limelight and paid millions for their trade. Gucci will start making colostomy bags and Louis Vuitton will design those large shopping bags on wheels old people have which take up all the cocking room on the bus. You’ll get “Smart” mobility scooters and I-phones apps which make it easier to bore the fuck out of people in the post office with pictures of your fucking grandchildren in Australia. Society will be upped an age group and MTV will launch MTV-Wrinkle, a 24hour Sir Cliff and Daniel O’Donnell nitemare, you’ll wear “Incontinence, by Calvin Klein” cologne, and social networking sites will be replaced with anti-social networking sites, where any groups of young people online socialising together have the police called on them and ASBOs issued. All forms of media will need to stop kowtowing to the young and imbecilic and embrace the old and the decrepit, Heat magazine will swap its search for cellulite for a search for liver spots, Nuts will swap fake tits for false limbs and teeth. Otex don’t organise Meat Raffles but if they did they’d probably be the best Meat Raffles in the world. God, all of advertising will swap humour and sex appeal for hard fact and comfy jumpers. The Linx effect will be swapped for the “Old Spice” effect, and rather than being “Tangoed”, people will be “Dandilioned and Burdocked”… Where will it all end.
The orthopaedic shoe will well and truly be on the other foot, the younger facets of society will be forced down the social food chain as gangs of dangerous yoots are swapped for hoards of urban bee-keepers (who in fairness have an excuse for their hoods) and drug dealers are forced out of town as the contraband home made jam mafias move in... it will be us too scared to leave the sanctuary of our homes for fear of abusive groups of seniors, cussing us down in their OAP slang, calling us “Lollygaggers” and “Jacanapes”, rolling around the estates in convoys of pimped-out mobility scooters and accessory laden walking frames. We shall be the intimidated and the scared and the confused, we will be the ones making long ambling phone calls to our parents asking how to set up a game of bridge properly. We will be the ones complaining as elderly neighbours blare out Flanders and Swann at all hours of the day and night. We will be the ones outraged by the scandals on the Archers, and writing to Points of View about the reckless and dangerous behaviour of those trouble makers on 15 to 1. We will become the crushed minority as the grey revolution gathers momentum unless we act now to stop it.
The grey menace is readying itself and everyday its numbers grow, they are preparing for the day to overthrow their young masters, and when we least expect it the air will be filled with the smell of ear medicine and shit, the hum of stair lifts will rage in the distance like a swarm of angry wasps and on that day the balance of power will shift to the elders, and we will forever be lost to the regime of the fogeys.
We must act now to save our selves from the future that awaits us, of having to say everything at least twice and all of TV sets being set as loud as they can go. So the next time you see an old person, try and surprise them to trigger a heart problem, remind them that all young people carry knives and please, ensure they read the daily mail so they know exactly how many foreigners are being paid by the state to rob and terrorise the elderly. It is up to us to stop the “Perminators” from rising.
Good luck, you’ll need it…
Well E23 of the A-Dubs is done and I am actually calling for the blood of senior citizens, a new low even for myself. To be honest I think of the elderly like I do the rich “I will hate you till I become you”… And they are not all bad, although I did, and this is no lie, see an old lady just squat and take a piss in the middle of the carpark behind our flats not long ago… so they aint all good neither!
You can’t follow me on Twitter as I don’t know how to use the laptop, my granddad was meant to show me, but I didn’t really understand it…