Wednesday, 7 July 2010


Well once more here we are… same old shit just another day, I say some bollocks about stuff, you read it blah blah blah, how predictable and boring! Honestly I might as well just smear bogies across a computer screen for all it actually matters, I mean really why does anyone do anything ever, we’re only going to die one day anyway so what’s the bloody point… well I’ll tell you the point me laddo, coz its better than fucking working… so holla at me dawg… It’s the 20th Aldershot Woe.

God 20 already, where does the time go ay, its seems like just yesterday this blog was in its infancy, making all sorts of mistakes, shooting wild theories off like a mad tramp, nothing researched or based on any sort of fact, and now look at it… Nothing has changed at all, well it’s about time I grew up a bit and started writing about real topics, not just “holidays” or “fat kids” but real, cutting, hard edged, in your face, on the pulse, in the news topics… So please join me as we put on our greyest suits, use our finest public speaking voice and adopt a stern but approachable look as we enter the world of… NEWS

Here’s the thing with news, it’s almost always bad, just a simple look at the days newspapers is enough to make you want to cut your own throat (or have a wank if it’s the Star) a brief perusal of the headlines on televised news has us all reaching for the cyanide capsules and if we have the bollocks to go on line to read the very newest news we may well die out of the shock of knowing that we could well die of nuclear-cancer-immigrant-terrorist-celeb-AIDS before we even have a chance to tie a rope round our neck and go with a bit of dignity…

But news isn’t always bad is it, I get good news occasionally and I would definitely say I smile a hell of a lot more than I cry, and I live in Aldershot, the devils rectum so why is no one delivering this good news to the nation? Why is the top story never about how were all going to live 40 years longer than our grandparents did, or how a stranger helped another stranger in a precarious situation, or how it was a nice day, or how good it is to have freedom of speech, why do we not celebrate how good we have it? I mean life has it’s shittyness in abundance it has its unavoidable miseries, its heartbreaks and tragedies so why do we force this extra misery upon ourselves in daily doses of news? I mean I would be happy if the news just took a glass half filled approach to reporting its daily gloom “A bus full of young nuns crashed today in to an orphanage, leaving 100 people dead, but hey, fifty nine million nine hundred and ninety thousand and nine hundred people were completely unharmed by it in the UK alone, so its not all doom and despair”… would a little positive spin hurt them???

A lot of people believe that the constant bad news dumped on us by the all powerful media bodies is some sort of elitist conspiracy, to keep us all in order by keeping us too scared to do anything at all apart from stare at the latest death toll on whilst constantly hitting F5 and praying that our meager souls are not part of the refreshed death-list appearing on our laptop screens. Well it’s a theory I suppose, and when you hear Marilyn Manson droll through this theory in a monotonous all-knowing tone as he does in Michael Moores film “Bowling for Columbine” it’s quite a convincing one. But a few things bother me about that, firstly its Marilyn Manson who is saying it, now I have nothing against the extroverted singer, not my cup of tea (the kind of stuff is like Kryptonite to my funksouljazz heart) but I think the guy is cool enough is his own way as an artist. I have a problem with it because the guy was like a gizzilionaire long before he was even 30, so what the hell does he know about the conditioning and respective mind state of the common man, not a great deal… I mean seriously what’s Marilyn Manson’s biggest problem on a day to day basis “Damn it, I wanted my Bentley painted murder black and they have sprayed it plague black!!” The other problem I have with the sincere sounding condemnation of the media by Manson is he is talking to Michael fucking Moore! I mean for (anti) Christ’s sake that’s one of the biggest douche bags on the planet, and to make matters worse he is a guy that has made a career out of embellishing bad news and horror by using scaremongering knee-jerk reactionary tactics… I read one of his books (actually I have read 2 of his books but I don’t like to admit it) and he just rants for hours and prints lies (nothing like this blog)… he dedicates a whole chapter of a book to how Germany hasn’t paid for the war yet, what a cock… the guys a fucking loonytune. But I only mention that interview as it gets quoted and sampled a lot, but the theory of using media bred fear to control the masses of the western world is a popular one… But I do not buy that for a second. I really don’t see how a populous with shot nerves, advanced paranoia and a feeling of impending doom is going to be easier to control than one that is content with the status quo. I also do not buy in to the theory that the scared public will want to spend more and that the harbingers of plight that are our daily news outlets are really the dark heart of consumerism, I mean sure if their was a sudden surge in weapons, pro plus pills, tinned foods and jars for bottling urine, then I would see the direct results of a fear led spending spree… but come on, people buy tat because its there and they can, and we are, lets be honest, greedy and competitive by our nature. I don’t think it’s really fair to blame the ills of humanity on some elitist media induced conspiracy, we are just a bit shit.

That same shitness is fused to humanities DNA and is, I think, the real reason we crave and bask in the nastiness and misery of the world. We don’t have news crammed down our throats as many complain we do, we simply love knowing the latest and murkiest information the world has to offer. That is the reason we stalk online news sites and 24 hour news channels, and buy newspapers everyday, it is not because we have been programmed out of fear to seek and absorb the news, it is plain and simple Schadenfreude, a part of our minds loves to hear bad news... Its open to debate the reason why this is, it could be out of empathy, or it could be the satisfaction of knowing “at least someone’s having a shitter life than me” who knows, all we do know is it is there, gawping at bad news like no chinned do-as-you-likey at the scene of an accident.

News has simply grown around this human trait and commercially exploited this to its own gain. They are catering to a human need, not brain-washing people to obey the overlords or do the bidding of the Illuminati, people simply want bad news. And the reason for so many outlets in today’s society is because different choices need to be catered for, as different people want different bad news. People who read the Mail want to be outraged and angered, by the lesbian midget immigrants who use OUR tax money to open up brothels made out of drugs in school playgrounds. People who read the Independent want to know that the earth will be destroyed by green house gasses and melting icecaps and that unless we all recycle everything right now and use electric cars and green light bulbs then we will all be dead by tomorrow. We can’t blame the media for exploiting our want for misery no more than you can blame the Simpsons for exploiting our want to laugh. Unfortunately people just like bad news, that’s why people gossip and twitch at their windows when the police vans turn up to arrest drug dealers or abusive husbands (maybe just my estate then?) we all bathe in misery and scrub ourselves with the soap of despair and we always will, so news will never be happy or cheery. And if they ever did “good news” you’d end up with a load of shite, (not directly referring to matey from Mock The Weeks show on BBC3, but its true) who wants to hear about the happiness other people are enjoying, especially when you’re stuck at work and poor and angry and miserable and its probably all someone else’s bastard fault? No one that’s who, so happy people fuck off and comeback when you lose a limb or have some morbid negativity to share with the rest of us…

Right then, that was all about news, rather than the news which I think I said I was going to do, ah well, who cares I think I made a point and managed to get some bad news in there, we’re all morbid and shit just because were morbid and shit, its not coz some rich overlord has made us that way… hahahahaha!

Anyway that wraps up the 20th Aldershot Woe, or the A-Dubz as they call it on da street, and if you have just read it you will no doubt have a tale of misery and wretchedness and despair to pass on to the next person you see…

You can follow me on Twitter if you like, but scientists have just revealed that using the popular networking site makes you 50 times more likely to be a terrorist immigrant with cancer and cellulite, plus Twitter melts icecaps and kills baby seals.



  1. Totally excellent bro-ham, I feel well scholed in the evil arts of media, and I actually more intellegent for having read it.

    Good news for me!!

    Well informed and with the latest headlines ScnNH5. Blammm!

  2. Good evening, and here is the news...



    You've just showed up my laziness.


    I hate you!



    Why aren't mine ever as long as yours?

    Ooo-er missus etc.

  4. Gaz, its not the size, its what you do with it... as my wife tells me through tears of laughter... OOOOO-ERRRR! also best comments ever, i dont know why anyone would call you hate filled??? hahaha...

    Cheers Hman, i dont aim to edumacate, i am usualy the atithesis of that err... unducation???

  5. your just saying that....

    but thank you very much all the same.....

  6. And i like the "Parental Advisory Warning" just before i got in. Only you..........

  7. Carlsberg dont do blogs, but if they did they would probably be Aldershot Woes

    Unfortunately they make fairly shitty lager instead so we can leave the blogging to you

    Great job as always

  8. Wow!! Super!! RBA you are an amazing writer.
    Now is that a good news or a bad news.

  9. NB, long time no post... as ever my thanks for the kindness... hope all is well. (you need to come to robbos blog more, the banter may be innane, but its also childish).

    SS11, big shout to the india crew, mate, thank you alot... good news or bad news, that all depends on how you came to the conclusion, if i am a good writer on my own merits, then it is good news, however if i am only a good writer in compasrison to Phil McDullty or Bond, then it is not such good news...

    Thanks again fellas...

  10. Oi!!

    Read this too...

    Well not even too, I don't care if you don't read RBA's.

  11. I must have been bad at work cause I was banished to the office with no internet access but I managed to escape.
    Glad my degree in escapology didnt go to waste, im omw Gaz

  12. People who read the Mail want to be outraged and angered, by the lesbian midget immigrants who use OUR tax money to open up brothels made out of drugs in school playgrounds.


    Yes we do.

    Quality rant as usual. Keep the rubbish coming along as it is funny as heck.

    Quaestion is though will some untold plague or disaster hit us when the 100th woe comes up

  13. good blog mate

    i dont be-leeve it!