Sunday bloody Sunday, sang the twatty sun-glassed, punchable Jesus wannabe Bono… well I don’t know what he was on about as Mondays are far worse… And to add to the bitter taste of stale weekend that is festering in your gob-hole here’s the 26th Aldershot Woe… Sorry.
I am a gullible person by nature and when our new leaders took over promising big changes I fell for it hook line and stinker. Typically when it comes to politics I am as cynical as old Billy Cynical, the biggest cynic in cynic town (its Monday so expect more similes of this high standard) but when the coalition took over a part of me just wanted to believe that maybe this really could be the start of something new, something fresh and maybe even something good, but as the days passed the sea of optimism drained away leaving a puddle of familiar grubby pessimism. Well I was as wrong, as old Johnny Wrong the wrongest man from the wrongest house in the worngest town in all of Wrongland! (I warned you). Today our old pal and glorious leader Davey Dave the Rave Camer's and his sidekick Nick (The Cleggmeister) Clegg are unveiling plans which are going to improve not only the people and prosperity of this fine land but something far more precious… the society, as we get ready to have the whole thing supersized, welcome to the new world people, its BIG SOCIETY!!
What is BIG society I hear you ask? Well it is like regular society but BIGGER, in layman’s terms it is a society that is larger in size than it is right now, and I think we can all agree that is grand thing indeed. As we speak society is small, it is small minded, it looks at the small picture and it has small girly hands and well, let’s just say that when society pulls up to a urinal, stage fright is not uncommon. Now some people like to suggest that “society” is an anachronism in today’s world and only exists as an abstract construct of politicians and media to help them either scare monger or make lucid fabrications about the state of the country, but it isn’t, it’s real and it’s tiny and it’s shit.
So how’s it all going to work? Simply, that’s how…As it stands society is making a right pigs-knob of everything, but that’s little societies fault, and little society is run by government and council officials, who smell like rubbers and wear badly fitting suits, which we pay for. What BIG society will do is remove the small local authorities which are currently running things and doing a bad job, and replace them with the person you call when you want a job done properly… your goddamn self.
As it stands every month we each pay hundreds in council taxes and that money is used to pay government people to do a job, from collecting your rubbish to educating your children, the local authorities look after everything, so when it goes wrong it is their fault, so you complain about them and worse of all government, which makes government look bad, which is in turn bad for the country… Now then, with BIG society you pay hundreds every month in council taxes but rather than that money being sent to a wasteful council office who’ll piss it all up the wall by paying trained and skilled professionals to do a job, it is just left alone and you have to do everything your goddamn self. It’s very simple, yet utterly brilliant. This way when your rubbish is not picked up, or your 15 year old son doesn’t know the alphabet, rather than getting mad at local councils or governments you get mad at you, as you should have done it your goddamn self. This is good for us as it will teach us respect and responsibility and the importance of hard work, it is also good as it will no longer be the governments fault, which I should imagine will free up the governments precious time to do more important things rather than wasting their time mollycoddling every Thomas, Richard and Sally Anne in the country.
Like a 9 year old with a new pet rabbit if we do not do our job properly the country will fall in to a state of disrepair and will starve to death in its hutch, or be left out and eaten by the greedy foxes. But not only will this excellent and revolutionary new scheme teach us all about the importance of BIG society and doing-things-for-our-selfness it also saves us trillions of pounds. Think about it, every month you pay your Council Tax and in return you get a bunch of services which ensure you have an acceptable standard of living, but now we are living in BIG society the money you pay will not be used by councils, it will just sit there lining the coffers of parliament, as you will have to do everything your goddamn self, so every month we are saving billions of pounds… it genius.
BIG society will bring us together and make us BIGGER, as the title of it suggests, and it is a full proof method of sorting this country out. Some cynics have said that the whole scheme is just a half arsed attempt to make huge budget cuts in local spending seem reasonable, well if you are thinking that, then shame on you, you Nazi! What BIG society does is keeps the cornerstone of taxation in place but relieves governments of the responsibility of running the country, all in all this leads to a richer country with a successful smoothly run government, which, if were honest, is what we all want. Big society leaves Government inculpable of making mistakes as it will not have to do anything, and even government can manage to do nothing properly, and with our new infallible local governments we will see an end to government incompetency. We will be able to finally see the fruits of a coalition government, as having cake and eating it are brought together for the first time, for the good of the reputation of the government, which in turn is good for the country so its good for you, I mean come on were gonna be BIGGER (take that Germany!).
But plans should not stop at BIG society, oh-no-siree bob, this is just the starting block for a BIG country, there are many more BIGs which could help people have power over their fates and save the country millions, buy having more tax money it isn’t spending. BIG hospitals, where costly Doctors are replaced and the people are free to remove their own tumours and perform their own heart by-passes, saves money and cuts embarrassing waiting lists. BIG fire brigades, where we can cut the cost of these fire-fighters and simply put fires out ourselves, enough people with enough buckets of water can do it. BIG social services, so abused children can be taken in by their own abusive parents, this way the child stays with its family and the abusive parent is taught responsibility by having to look after an abused child, the money this would save each year could bail out countless numbers of banks. BIG police forces, no more having to wait for police officers to turn up, the law would be in your hands and peace can be kept cheaply, and the criminals can be taken to BIG court where rather than an expensive judge making decisions, you’d call the shots, and if the BIG human rights said it was ok you could have a BIG execution. The power, the responsibility and the burden of your life are entirely in the hands of you. BIG freedom, at a BIG price… so here are some BIG thanks for our leaders who are in no way just a pair of BIG bell-ends.
Well BIG society you probably didn’t hear it hear first, but this is probably the biggest load of crap you have read about it. But as of today we live in BIG society, which I can only assume is some old Etonian way of saying FUCK SOCIETY…
You can now follow me on BIG twitter its like regular twitter but all responsibility for me to update it is passed to you, so you have more power over what I twitter and when…