Friday, 25 March 2011

Woe-lcome back....

Well due to popular and unprecedented demand (trotts) I am making a return of the Aldershot Woes… So this is episode 47 of the Aldershot Woes… WOES.

Long story short, had job, lost job, Christmas, got new job… I used to do a couple of these a week but now I have a job for a proper company and that won’t happen… but what will happen (hopefully) is this… I’ll do like one a week written at lunch and my breaks… Unless that becomes tedious, in which case I wont bother… so at some point next week the WOES2.0 will kick off…

Oh thanks for the cool things people said when I got “toried” and lost me job, that were nice… Oh and those British tax payers amongst yous, thanks for the support during my occupational sabbatical, that was neat of you.

(Clears throat)


Monday, 20 September 2010


Hello readers and welcome back to another guff filled mind trump, its the 46th Aldershot Woe and today I am looking at the right to protest in a cleverly titled piece called The Aldershot Woes episode 46: Protest.

What a bell end. That’s an off the cuff statement and it could be about anyone, as we live in a free country where, to a degree, I can say what ever the heck I blimming well like about anyone! So put that in you pipe and smoke it (just not indoors please). Yeah we live in a free society, where we are free to say what ever thoughts are flowing freely through our dumb little minds. Of course there are a couple of rules, if you say something about some ones race or religion or sexuality or age or height or weight or appearance, then that is not allowed as that is hateful… so you cant quite say anything… oh and if you are on say, a state funded national broadcaster, then you can only say what they say you can, and also if what you are saying is a complete fabrication, you cant say that either really, unless you are a politician – (take that “the man”)… but apart from that you’re pretty much golden. If you see someone doing something and you think what they are doing is stupid or wrong or whatever, you can march alongside them shouting hate slogans until the cows come home. Its aces… yay for freedom… Of course this does bring a couple of problems with it as it unfortunately gives some of the vilest, ignorantest and evilest people a voice, and a right to bombard the world with their self serving messages of hate. But that’s not to say that all protesters are evil, oh no far from it most protesters are smug delusional little do-gooders. Or if it’s may day, posho little yah-yah twerps who think the way to get back at the ills of corporations is to urinate and defile war memorials. But the little silver spoon brigade on their day of rebellion against daddy aside, the majority of hippy smug delusional protesters are a good enough breed. If it weren’t for extreme defeatism and lethargy I would join them, maybe not in the thick of the crowd as they look like a less than sanitised bunch, but I’d be there or there abouts, shuffling along side giving half hearted “yeahs” and “you tell thems”. But as most protests are at weekends I can honestly say I have far less noble but more important things to do. But its grand the way we are aloud to go to the streets en masse and have a rant, and we can do so safe in the knowledge that we aren’t about to be sprayed with machine gun fire, we may get beaten to death by peace keeping police officers who all look like they are pretending they are in Halo, but the chances of that are slim. The Pope was here last week and along side the thousands of Jesus fans trying to get a view of the Pontiff their were also hundreds of protesters, letting the pope know that they thought he was a proper dick… I saw one sign on the news and it said “The Pope is the Antichrist”, now he may be a former Nazi with a less than crystal clear policy on child abusers, but Antichrist is a bit harsh still. But being good old free to say what we like blighty, the sign was allowed to stand and was even on the BBC news, and the person waving the Damien Thorne-esque banner wasn’t thrown in the tower of London or fed to a preach of rabid paedo priests. No they were given the right to tell the pope what they thought, I am not clear whether it was some religious zealot who thought the pope genuinely was the antichrist or not, but that’s not important, what ever you want to put on a a bit of wood and wave in some ones face is A-ok… Before we were forced in to an illegal war with Iraq, something like a million people hit the streets of London in protest, which is a huge number, that’s a 6th of the population of the whole City… I mean it didn’t do anything, we went to war regardless… but still a public show like that gives a little pride to the country, it doesn’t really make up for the millions of dead Iraqis, but come on, its something… go us! Not me mind, I was at work that day lining the coffers for a corporation that makes guns made of oil to shoot the Ozone layer. So protesting is cool, if you want, but like I said you also get some royal see yoo en tees who go on the protest, and they more or less balls it up for every one. Take Andy Stephenson and Katherine Sloan, they are up in arms that they were told that they couldn’t wave pictures of dead foetuses on their Pro-Life (possibly the stupidest phrase ever) protest. And I can’t argue with that really, that’s got to be one of the cruellest things you can do, quite why they would want to do that is beyond all human understanding, they are clearly scum, and the world would be abetter place if they died, right now. But this is the problem with free speech, every now and again someone is going to want to say something people simply shouldn’t have to listen to. And then how do you define who can say what and what is offensive to whom and why… it’s a greyer area than John Majors pubes. But in order to prevent the vivisectionist bozos and the pro-life berks from this sort of thing we need to have some sort of protest approval system, where banners are deemed fit and acceptable to the wider public or not, or better than that if you want to protest anything you sign a disclaimer which means anyone who beats seven shades of doody out of you for being an opinionated ball sack can not be prosecuted. That sounds like a sensible way, let’s protest government till they approve it…

Well that was a pointless rant that managed to cloud the already merky waters of debate surrounding the issue… still Robbo were dead good today…


Thursday, 16 September 2010


Hello dear readers, and welcome back to another slice of semi retarded musings about the world we live in, its everybody’s favourite garrison town based blog, the Aldershot Woes: Episode 45: 3rdWoerld?

Repent all ye sinners, the time of judgement is upon us and all whom continue to chose the sides of evil shall face the fiery wrath of hell and the eternal damnation of your soul… Yeah that’s right, fathers lock up your daughters, the old Pope is coming to town, well not the old Pope the new Pope… you know what I mean. I am not a catholic but as I understand, it’s like C of E but with confession and a ban on Johnnies (I may be oversimplifying it a little), but I think this new Pope is creepy, isn’t he? He looks like Emperor Palpatine from Star Wars which doesn’t help, but the creepiest thing is his eyes, little black vortexes of nastiness, he looks like the sort of bloke who’d kick a guide dog for no good reason… Even without taking the child abuse scandal and the whole Hitler’s Youth thing in to consideration he is still a right old wrong’en, with the Catholic church having a less than perfect reputation over the last 50 years or so I would have thought they would have chosen a pontiff with a lot more likeability, a Pope of the people with a cheesy grin and shiny teeth, rather than a guy who looks like he lives under a bridge and clubs goats to death for kicks. But like I say I aint Catholic, so it isn’t my position to say who they should have in charge, but being honest I do think he is disturbing, but seeing as how last week I was in furore over some yank defiling the Koran, it would callus of me to now bash the most important man in Catholicism (well after old JC any how) just for looking a bit creepy (I mean you wouldn’t sit next to him on the Tube would you?) so I wont, oh no, my axe to grind is with his buddy Cardinal Kasper (the unfriendly holy ghost) who has said that the British are a Godless bunch and that the UK resembles a third world country. Well I am afraid that he has crossed the line with that remark. Third world? The cheek of it, the brazen bloody cheek of it…

We need to take a stand against this ignorant antianglophilic statement, this German god botherer may think it is acceptable to make these outlandish statements about the country most consider to be Gods back garden, but we need to show him he is wrong. This beautiful happy island of dreams represents the pinnacle of sociological progression, we are a multicultural haven and an example for the world, and how he can say that we as nation are prejudice against any set of people is an outrage… I am in shock that a German of all peoples would make such comments about good old Blighty. It is no wonder so many people are in uproar against this Kraut and his racist remarks (of course this is typical of old fritz) and are demanding an apology. I mean a third world country? We may have rising unemployment, bleak outdated buildings, a Victorian water supply and sewage system, an archaic and flawed political system, a outdated greedy monarchy, a rapidly decreasing currency, an unsettled populous, lingering strikes for public services, plague riddled hospitals, mass influx of foreign unskilled workers, an ever increasing rate of violent crimes, ghetto estates run by drug dealers, increasing numbers of drug addicts, an expanding network of drug dealers and supply of class A drugs, we may have more under 16s pregnant than anywhere else in Europe, our education system may have slipped from 4th in the world to 18th in Europe over the last 10 years, we may have high suicide rates, and families in 3rd generation unemployment, increasing illiteracy, decreasing numbers of 5 year olds who can read, a welfare system riddled with holes that fails those who need it most but rewards those who don’t, so our society operates on a grossly unfair two tier system where 10 percent of the population controls 95 percent of the nations assets and money, so we continue to hold on to archaic dated hereditary piers, and we have a government exclusively ran for the benefit of the controlling top 10% of the population, so we face cuts to our already failing education system, to our incompetent justice system and our impoverished health service, so we can’t help our injured soldiers who are being risked to ensure the oil we steal from middle eastern countries is never liberated, so we send our young off to die not for honour or for our country or any righteous reason other than the continuation of wealth to the already wealthy, so we are poor, unemployed, ignorant, sick, alcoholic, homeless, dirty, criminal, downtrodden and delusional… WE ARE NOT A THIRD WORLD NATION. And I do not think the Cardinal has thought much at all about what he is saying.


Monday, 13 September 2010


Hello once more and welcome back to the blog that shines a light of ignorance on to the world and then makes lewd shadow puppets. Episode 44: 2010

Ok it’s only September and usually that’s considered a little bit early for a round up of the year that has been, usually this sort of look back over the year happens at Christmas time when were all thinking “Jesus this year went quick”, before we enter a mire of misery as we contemplate our own mortality and try to work out whether the last 12 months have been an absolute waste of time or not. But it is already safe to say that 2010 is the worst year since records began, I mean October through December is going to have to bring nothing but diamonds and blow jobs for us all, for this year to even be considered remotely OK. It’s been an absolute shambles, from every aspect that broader life can be judged. We may have had personal joys, little selfish pockets of merriment, being a selfish prick myself I had a son, who is brilliant, and I know some people who have got married and some who have had holidays, but I am not talking about little micro nuggets of bliss, I am talking about the bigger picture, which at present looks like it was painted by Hieronymus Bosch on a downer… things are bleak.

In every aspect of life we are looking haggard and you can’t blame the pessimists amongst us for thinking that old mankind is on the ropes and his day is just about numbered. The world, for want of a better phrase, is going to shi!t, and society is mirroring it perfectly. I think that mankind (I mean us, not the wrestler for any confused readers) is subconsciously sabotaging itself in preparation for the Armageddon, I think we are purposely making as bigger balls up of the world as we can so when the day comes that we do all fire nuclear bombs at ourselves, or the ice caps melt or one of the other trillion ways in which life on this damp ball of earth can be extinguished, we all think “Ah well, its all bollocksed anyway”, we are currently “ragging” the planet like it’s a rental car on the last day of our holidays… The reason I believe we are on this predispositioned road of destruction is because this year for an unknown reason the UK decided it wanted a Tory Government. And we did this on the back of them, straight to our faces, telling us that they will cut the money spent on us, will increase the money they take from us and do it all in order to pay off the debts that we didn’t make. They didn’t lie, they said there will be job cuts, they said there will be public spending cuts, they said that the money they save will pay off the “deficit” in government borrowing, they did all of this right to our faces, their only trick was to smile when they told us this… and more than 50% of us thought this was a good idea and voted for them. Now they are in charge and hacking money away from where it matters most to regular people, Education (they can buy theirs) Health Care (they can buy theirs) and Justice (again, they can buy theirs). And whilst they have drastic reforms to the welfare system denying those in need and beating them on the nose with a copy of the Daily Mail like a naughty dog, they are prepared to spend a hundred times more the amount on nuclear weapons which we will then sign up not to use… And we voted for them, subconscious sabotage is the only logical explanation.

But before this turns in to a huge anti-tory propaganda sheet, lets get back to the matter, the sh!tty old year its been, and politics are only half of the reason. We may have rising unemployment, and double dip recessions to deal with, and all hopes of us being saved by the “other side” look like they rest with 2 posh brothers who look like page boys at a dukes wedding, but surely society is doing ok? Well no, society only exists on computers and if you go outside you’ll get stabbed in the face, eaten by a Staffy and propositioned by half the England national football team, society is far from OK, and why should it be what do we have to be happy about, nothing… we have gone from sunshine happiness and affordable consumer goods to STI’s, Speedballs and 11 out of 10 British people being from Umygoomygulu land. But 2010 had the potential to be a corker, especially as summer rolled in bringing sunshine and a World Cup, but all it delivered were Rob Green, tears and more wasps than in ANY year previous. And I think we all know it is no coincidence that as misery rises so do wasps… Wasps are like the Ooze in Ghostbusters 2, they feed off human suffering and grow strong from our sadness. So 2010 brought us betrayal from our populous as we voted in the cretin brigade, disappointment from our preened ho-banging footballers and the I-phone 4. 2010 is easily the worst since records began and I really can’t see things getting any better before Christmas is done and dusted… roll on 2011.


Friday, 10 September 2010

Burning Issues

How do, welcome to another Aldershot Woe this is the forty somethingth edition and comes with a free gift of a Irn Bru 10p chew bar… (if your bar is not attached to this blog speak to your Internet Provider).

Well its Friday now but by the time its Monday we could all be dead, or living some sort of Mad-Max post apocalyptic existence as world war three is all set to be triggered by some loony in the states hell bent on having “Burn The Koran Day”. Yep in a genius bid for revenge over the 9/11 attacks on New York some inbred bumpkin preacher from Prickville Tennessee has decided he’s going to have a day burning the Muslim holy book. Now this is the clearly the actions of a mad religious zealot nutbar, and the brain dead, hate filled dumb monger should be ignored like a bratty 3 year old throwing a hissy fit for a new toy. He is just a fringe nutter in a country which seems to have more than its fair share of loopy cretins, so he should have his little protest as he is in the land of free speech, but the best thing about people having the right to say what they want is that they also have the right to not listen. His book burning should have passed by and got no more attention than a cow farting, after the event people should have tutted, called him a wanker and moved on. But as to be expected people are talking about the crazy Pastor, TV news and papers across the world are joining in mass condemnation of the proposed book burning and everyone is gawping at this narrow minded prick and thinking what a C to the U to the N and the T he is… This isn’t unreasonable, he is a dick of the highest order trying to commit a highly offensive protest, so we want to take a stand and condemn him and do our best to distance our selves from the God bothering fruitloop and his crazy plan. It isn’t even obvious what he is trying to achieve with his Koran burning, I mean there are millions of Korans in print so even if his book burn is really successful he’ll be lucky to take out even a single percent of the world Korans. Chances are he just wants to send a message to the Muslim world and if that message is “hey Muslim world I am an absolute bell-end” I think he will be very successful.

The problem is now he and his little mentalist church of Hell and Hate for Jesus have had their publicity and now whether a Koran is burnt or not the damage is done. Both sets of zealot fools will use it to there advantage. The Al Qaida lot will say “America wanted to burn the Koran, they hate us” then they will say “but America didn’t burn it, because they are scared”… it’s a justification of brutality. The Christian douche bags will say that if they don’t do it then Muslims are affecting the first amendment, and even if Pastor Terry “F*ckwit” Jones decides not to have his little book burning festival, some redneck hicks are burn some copies of the Koran and then post it on YouTube to add further fuel to the pyre of ignorance and hatred that continues to burn amongst these narrow minded fools.

So erm, be nice to people… have a good weekend.


Wednesday, 8 September 2010


Hello readers and welcome to the Aldershot Woes, a literary black spot where ignorance is cross bred with ranting to create a tiny baby of stupid wrapped in a swaddling of dumb… The 42nd Aldershot Woe: Untirement.

If you’re like me you are at work right now, and its rubbish isn’t it? Stupid work, with stupid people with ever increasingly stupid faces, I don’t want to be here I want to be somewhere else doing something fun or rewarding or meaningful or relaxing, but I can’t as I am at work, stupid, stupid work. We are all reminded by tragedy on a near daily basis that life is short and we ought to make the most of it as we only get one go at it, but then each day we get up, we get dressed we say goodbye to our loved ones, we switch off our souls and we go to work, every day, forever and ever and ever… Until you retire that is, then you are free to dish out Wurthers Originals and hang around in garden centres to your hearts content… Ah yes retirement, the grey light at the end of the work tunnel. It has always struck me as being mean that you have to wait till you’re too old to enjoy life to get a chance to even try, who ever drew up the plans which left life organised like this needs a stern kick in the gonads. Here’s how it should be we should spend the first 16 years in education, then from 16 to 40 we have retirement, a time to enjoy life whilst we still can, then 40 onwards we all work ourselves in to the grave. This makes far more sense to me, but we have a system now and were stuck with it… or at least we were, as now thanks to banks/government/rich people we are now set to lose our Twighlight years as retirement is just not an option. Apparently there is no money to offer people a pension, so you have to save your own, but you cant save your own as the cost of living is perpetually increasing, which means YOU are going to be living pay check to pay check for the next forever… You like that desk you’re sitting at? You like that shirt and that tie and them shoes? You like those walls? Well good, as you are stuck with them, all of them, forever. You are committing your life to working everyday just so you can carry on as you are, gone is the grey light at the end of the tunnel, as it stands you’ll need to book a days holiday just to attend your own funeral. I don’t know about you but this depresses the hell out of me, this is it, this is life, get up, go to work, come home, go to bed and repeat, forever… if you are lucky you will have a good holiday one year, but that’s about all life has to offer and is the best any of us can hope for, if you want to have any sort of rewarding moments make sure they are between 6 in the evening and 8 in the morning.

So what do we do? The best thing I can think of is get a job you love, something rewarding and fun that won’t make you want to staple your face to your keyboard just to prove you are still alive. But I cant decide on a breakfast cereal I’d want to eat for more than 4 days in a row, so how the flip am I supposed to find a job id be happy with for eternity? I can’t its impossible. The best we can do is look for the positives, it is rewarding to know that future generations will not have hordes of biddies stumbling through town slowly clotting shopping isles with those huge wheeled shopping bags oldies have, nope in the future those massive bags will carry laptops as Doris clocks in to work for the billionth time before she dies.

Life is for making the most of, that’s the best we can all do with it and where as before we’d have to plot for decades and aspire to grow orange and leathery on a Spanish beach by the time were 65, we now more than ever have to live for today and make the most out of work… hmmm, I may try writing illiterate gibberish and posting inane banter on sporting blogs…


(one positive, when a cop gets blown up in a movie and was only “one day from retirement” we’ll know he lived a long life)

Monday, 6 September 2010


Hello again, its Monday morning, summers officially over, rain is forecasted, the nights are starting to close in earlier with every day that passes, the financial downturn is continuing, unemployment is rising and crime rates appear to be joining it. Life is bleak and miserable and cold and grey and dead, but don’t worry as it’s the 41st Aldershot Woe: State of Happiness.

There isn’t much us Brits do well, we can make pies, play darts, drink beer and get more of our teenage girls pregnant than any other country in Europe. But put those aside and you’ll see the one area we excel in is being happy with being miserable. It’s this unique gift that has got us through the toughest times this country has faced, it got us through the blitz, the Thatcher years, Noels House Party and it gets us through every single international football tournament. We are so used to being shat upon by the people who are supposed to lead us and bring us in to glory that we are genetically programmed to take it on the chin, make a joke out of it and carry on regardless. We love moaning, its what were good at, we like being deadpan and defeatist, the opposite being chipper and gun-ho just doesn’t wear well with us Brits, unlike Americans who can whoop and holler for just about anything in the world. Yanks get excited over pouring breakfast cereal or opening letters or tying shoelaces or closing doors, an American will seek a high-five just for breathing in and out. You know what though, fair-play to them, that’s who they are they’re loud bellowing eternal optimists and were dull grey sneering pessimists, its horses for courses. But today I have read that the government as part of its radical overhaul of the state is planning to take our misery. They have given away our jobs, taken our money, cut the funding to our local authorities, they plan to take money out of education, justice and healthcare and now they are trying to take away our right to moan about it all… I am outraged, or at least I will be until a government agent comes round and reprogram’s me to be a simpering giggling boob.

Ok it won’t quite work like that but basically what they are planning to do is have an increased focus on the mental health of the state, which in theory sounds fair enough, as all too often these problems go unassisted until eventually some one jumps off a multi-story car-park or goes loco-crazy in the Co-op with a samurai sword. But my concern is that they are introducing these measures to help people “deal” with unemployment and eternal empty pocketedness, rather than dealing with the actual matters. Helping the public adjust to having to wait for a much needed operation, offering a shoulder to cry on when you feel down as your kids can’t get in to the local school or prescribing mind altering drugs when the man who burgled your house and sodomised your goldfish is given a suspended sentence as the prisons are full rather than tackling the problem at the root, is essentially the same as jangling keys over a crying baby rather than changing its nappy. Its all a little bit like teaching a man who’s just lost a leg to enjoy hopping rather than giving him a crutch. It is all well and good making people feel better, and it is duly noted that “suicides are higher in times of economic depression” but it isn’t dealing with the problem its numbing one of the side effects. It may be terribly cynical of me but I think someone’s filled in a spreadsheet and worked out it’s far cheaper to dish out Prozac and Valium till were all happy with the utter misery of our existence than it is to actually make life better. Call me a delusional schizophrenic with severe paranoia, but isn’t this just the first step towards state conditioning and mind control? How long till any of us feeling a bit sad are offered government grade mood stabilisers and we become a zombie nation of simpering Cameronites, wondering around what-whating and chuckling like berks whilst killing foxes and patronising coloured people? I’m telling you man, they’re trying to get in to our brains, don’t drink the water that’s how they get you, that’s how it starts, this is it man were all just Tory robots conditioned to worship our wealthy aristocratic leaders, but not me man, I got my tinfoil hat and I keep my ears blocked all the time, they aint getting this old blogger no way, no how… oh… I see… I know what you’re thinking, you think I’m crazy, well that’s just what they want you to think…