Thursday, 1 July 2010


Are you experiencing a sudden head ache, a sense of confusion and bewilderment, your mouth filled with the taste of stale fags, flat beer and ignorance, are your eyes strained in desperation, trying to make sense of the utter nonsense surrounding you, do you feel lost, lonely and sad, do you just wanna give up, lie on the sofa and watch Jeremy Kyle whilst sobbing desperately at the mind thumping ignorance of the world and the wrongs that are committed in it daily? If so you have probably just walked through the door marked “Episode 18 of the Aldershot Woes”. Welcome…

When I started writing this sporadic mind guff it was with the honest intention of wasting time at work, but I still had a faint hope that eventually a clear or at least semi-cohesive body of work would be the end result, well after 17 Woes I see that is not going to happen, but just because I’m making a great bollocks of things, I don’t see that as reason enough to hang up my keyboard and give up. I mean, George Dubbya didn’t just give up, Mugabe hasn’t just given up, Titus Bramble hasn’t given up, no matter how much of a badgers cock you make of something you have to see it through to the bitter end. The antithesis of this attitude was recently highlighted by a group of sportsmen, who despite being amongst the top paid of their sport decided to give up when the chips were down, and I am heart broken to reveal that these “men” were English… Where has it all gone wrong with the young men of this country, well let me top up your brain boxes with a few gallons of know-juice… With no further delay I invite you to cram your mouth with chocy biscuits and burgers as we wobble breathlessly through the world of…. Fat Kids.

I was recently at a toddler group with my youngest daughter it was filled with kids ranging from 1 years old up to around 4. On one hand I was a very proud father seeing my little girl interact boldly with the bigger kids (she’s 15 months) and run around clapping her hands and screaming with glee and doing all the things that kids do at that age with the furore and gumption of an innocent mind not yet crippled by the unyielding futility of life (were gonna wait till she’s nearer to three till we fill her in on that). But on the other hand I found my self cringing with disgust at the flabby blobules of meaty fat kids filling the room, whinging for crisps and chocolate, and huffing with indignation at the prospect of having to be active for another 20 minutes, as they needed their McDonalds NOW! “But Mummy (wheeze) I’m hungry now (wheeze), I my Nuggets mummy (wheeze) I my nuggets”. Now rather than the firm rejection and subsequent humiliation I rain down upon my eldest when she makes similar requests in vein, these spineless mothers were kowtowing to there children like they were chubby little dictators. I was sickened. “Just a minute more snookems, then Nuggets, m’kay hun, have a choccy till we get to McDonalds?”

It wasn’t just the abject disregard for their children’s health I found so utterly sickening and the spineless attitude of these cowering mums, the worst thing was having to look at these wobbling lumps of child, there eyes pushed back to the recesses of there skulls by the waves of fat flowing from their chubby faces. The excess flubbers of meat ballooning out of every fold of clothing, as their grotesque limbs swelled beneath the clothes they were probably greased and squeezed in to daily, “It says 2-3years on the label, Mothercare always come up too small”… No, your kid is fat.

I understand that this is a truly monstrous and deplorable way of describing innocent kids, whose only crime is having lazy parents and no dietary boundaries, but they made me feel genuinely ill-at-ease and more than a little queasy. I suppose it’s a mixture of seeing these freakish butterball babies looking like ghastly swollen caricatures of real people twinned with the gut wrenching sadness that for these poor bastards a life of lethargy, heart disease and ridicule awaits them, and all because mummy says the world is a too scary place to play out in, and can’t stand the idea of a child’s brief hatred as they wallow in the misery of a non-greasy lunch… with no free toy! Oh snookems.

The worst thing about it all was the sheer number of them, they were close to being the majority of the kids, I would hazard a guess that at least 40% were tubby toddlers. However something that did strike me was that the fatty little lardy kids didn’t all have chunk-o-rifick parents, so the old scapegoat and mantra for the fatty “It’s in my DNA” can’t be chanted any more… However this chubby little escapade of mine was just the tip of the husky ice berg, I mean at least the kids here had parents willing to leave the house and do something with there round shiny off-spring… I know there are far worse out there!

Like an explosion in a Play Doe factory, fat blubbery lumps of youth litter our schools, kids are fatter today than ever before and as my excursion to the toddler group showed me, it’s a problem getting bigger by the generation. I am relatively young (late 20s) so it wasn’t that long ago I was at school failing my GCSEs, in my school I had about 200 kids in my year, and out of that there were only a handful of chumba-wumbas, I would say 6 maximum, which boils down to about 3%, not a great deal. Only eleven years ago fat kids stood out like huge bulbous thumbs and were mocked horrendously for being big and fat. Its cruel, but that’s kids for you, a pure but necessary evil. Now though, as I walk to work in the mornings I see dozens of plump little porkers being squeezed in to the backs of cars, as mums and dads try desperately to close the door with the little bloaters completely inside the vehicle, it’s like watching a cartoon woman pack a suitcase. I live on a very busy estate and it’s primarily young families that fill the flats of its landscape, so there are hundreds of kids about, always, and the majority are massive little porkers. And as with the chinless mums with the multi-chinned toddlers, the parents of these quivering jelly lumps appear to do all they can to fuel the fatty fires of festering flumpyness. The family in the bottom flat of my block is a single mum, with three porky blimp-like children and they do nothing these kids, I saw them return from shopping the other day and as they wobbled out the car and breathlessly heaved themselves to their front door, the mum was busy unloading the shopping and came struggling towards the door laden with about 50 shopping bags… I mean for gods sake, I doubt very much the three bags consisting solely of pop-tarts and cream cakes were for her?

More and more we are becoming a nation of oversized under-achievers, and we are the ones to blame. I have three kids and as a parent it is my responsibility to see that they are healthy as much as it is to see they are educated, but all over I see this most basic of parental requirements left wanting. And the result is a nation of lazy, chubbo blobs, who expect life served up in great platefuls with a boat load of extra gravy on the side to wash it down with. We are breeding ourselves for extinction, heart disease will be to the human race what that great meteor was to the dinosaurs. With out trying to sound too sensational, if we don’t make a serious change right NOW, it is the end for all human life, and then whose gonna take over? The Dolphins… is that what you really want???

Well then fat kids, what a fucking nitemare, it’s almost certainly not as bad as I say it is, but kids are getting fatter I have no doubt. And they are just awful to look at, whats worse is when you’re with one of their parents and you have to try and hide your repulsion behind an absolute lie of a compliment… “So, your Toby’s got a large, err, personality??”

Honestly though I couldn’t care how fat kids are as long as mine aren’t, the more kids that are losers in there classes as they get older the higher up the school social order they’ll be, so really it’s a good thing… And on that bacon scented note I end this the 18th Aldershot Woe, which was all really just an embellished, illiterate rant laughing at kids who are going to have a hard enough time anyway… Hahaha…

You can’t follow me on twitter coz your stubby fat fingers are to big for a standard keyboard.

Woe (wheeze)


  1. Excellent again, my friend, totally phat SNH5.

    I can see in the future (no my name's not Meg)that normal kids will be the one's who may have to take the brunt of the skinny jokes dished out (in large portions) by the Alpha fat kids.

    Parent's do the right thing, make you're kids obesce, after all, you don't want them to feel alienated.

  2. You may peruse this little doozy I did on GraphJam a while back...

    I blame erm... everyone but myself.

    Meanwhile I better get back to Robbo's blog to be hated, insulted and generally shit upon again. It's great fun.

  3. haha, Gaz mate, i honestly find you to be one of the funniest nicest posters on the whole internet... i am beffudled how so many people want to insult you??? What ever it is keep it up, your a constant drama! hahaha...

    Cheers hman, Same Name Chubby Handed High 5!

    (phew, i'm out of breath now)...

  4. Oh yes and RBA when you are at these toddler group thingys shouldn't you be looking at the mothers instead of the kids?

    I'm just sayin is all.

    Unless they're fat mingers too, in which case disregard.

    I'm jealous of your blog writing plethora of ideas by the way.

  5. Are you calling me a drama queen?


    What do I do now? Buy some shoes?

  6. haha, cheers gaz, i just start writing and don't stop till something resembling an idea appears, i did the same when i used to do music... i have over 100 songs recorded, doing nothing despite being well recieved, i hope this blog will one day match the mediocrity i set for myself...

    ooo-err is the funniset saying in the world if used inaproprietly enough...

    "i just found out my nans dead"


  7. What kind of music?


    Does Adam know?

  8. it was all hiphop gaz...

    this is some of it... i think adam dies if he listen to the music angry black folk???

  9. cool hman... i think all but one track is produced by me, and all guitars, cuts, raps etc are all me as well... (ah, life before children, haha)

  10. Never give up man, I had a few top 40 hits when my kid was well in his teens, ya never know what could happen.

  11. oh for sure i will keep the dream alive... i am actually having a converstaion saying the exact same thing with my best freind and partner in rhyme, who is now in france with an 8 month daughter, we are determined to have a comeback tour inabout 5-10 years, haha(really top 40 hits? spill the beans then man, you have a link or anything?)

  12. Well my da wrote the World Cup song for Northern Ireland in 86

    And Daniel O'Donnell sings a song about the house I grew up it which my uncle wrote

    So yaaa boooo sucks to both of ya!

  13. I'll link em up at a later date RBA bruddah, got to keep a little anomiminity, ha ha. I had one under my own dj name and a few with production credits for other artists, even mixes on Dutch language R & B tracks, the others were all club house genre. But never a WC song, I wouldn't lower myself to that standard, the Oranje National tunes are complete and utter garbage.

  14. Guys, all this is telling me we need to start a band up, and sharpish!

    daniel o donells a legend... but not as good as the guy from father ted, Eoin Mclove... Thats a singer!

  15. "Eoin Mclove... Thats a singer!"

    Sound's more like gay sex in a burger joint.

  16. Great blog RBA mate. I have to say i look forward to yours & gaz's as much as robbos. Keep em going. They make me chuckle.

    I have to say my 5 year old goes to a school where they really promote healthy eating and from helping out on some of the trips, i have generally seen them eating fruit along with the odd bag of crisps. I think there is only the one plumper in his class. Fatty fatty what i chant at her when i drop him off at school. We all laughed....well all of us but her, she ran off crying. Life is sometimes unfair - its a valuable lesson.

    Some of that may or may not have happened.

  17. Oh and you have to give it a go again with your music. Jeez, i would love to have the talent to make a record...but i am tone deaf (that is tone's DJ name i think?) and i have the rhythm of a misfiring engine.

    My missus did buy me a guitar years ago, but we were living out of her bedroom in her parents place and playing the same notes over and over again made her look at me like she was thinking of chewing her own arm off just so that she had something to throw at me.

  18. A very controversial subject here but very true. I would suspect the NInetendo DS/ Xbox culture is a very big factor with people no longer going out to play games due to fear and paranoia taking hold. maybe if these people heard about exercise they wouldn't have the problems they do. Also treat regular requests for McDonalds, KFC etc like they said on Grange Hill in the 80's


  19. i agree rba - my modest proposal is that we should be culling these kids with clubs like sealhunters

    one fat english kid melted down to butter fat can feed an african village of starving children for a whole week (although many will end up with diabetes ffomr the butter's high sugar content)

    what cant be turned to butter fat can be turned into chicken mcnuggets for a more sustainable food chain

  20. hope this doesnt sound snobbish, im from the gutter myself, but its a plain, observable fact that 99% of fat kids are from the lower social classes

    i took my kids, all of them half decent athletes in their age groups, to frinton a posh seaside resort, our nearest, and the middle classes were in good shape . but its a bit boring there

    so we drove just 3 miles up the coast to walton where the chavs go for a pickled egg and megaburger, because i fancied a pickled egg and a megaburger.

    The sheer blubbery wobbling fatness of the jjb-clad, tattooed, lobster-sunburnt, smoking, swearing, blinged out gangs of fat lads and fat single mums with their dim and dangerous looking fat kids was in real shocking technicolor contrast.

    body shape has become even more of a class marker in modern britain than accent

  21. but lets think positive.

    this could mean that in the near future England will become a real force in he world of sumo