Monday, 12 July 2010


So here we are once more, the weekend is gone and it has taken the world cup with it for another four years. And now as the hangover of the last 4 weeks sets in we find ourselves rolling over to see what football has become in the cold light of sobriety, and good fucking god, we’ve just been banging a minger for the last four weeks! What has footy become, that’s the shittest world cup in my life easily, even worse than 94 when we all supported the fucking paddies for a fortnight… and that was the cocking yanks putting that one on. But who cares about that anyway, leagues back on soon enough and to fill the tedium of life between then we have the 22nd edition of the Aldershot Woes…. Fuck, we are in trouble!

The last Woes have been, well… woeful, which despite the title isn’t necessarily what we go for around here, the aim generally is a witty insight in to whatever hits my thought box at around this stage of writing whatever it is I am going to write, so bollocks to the doom and gloom for today. I mean so what if humanity is up shit creak, in a boat made of shit with no paddle, as that was also made of shit and has fallen in to the creek of shitness as it was all slippy and nutty, and now not only are we stuck up shit creek in a boat made of shit with no paddle our hands are all covered in shit as well, ahrgh, and now we have an itchy eye and the only way to scratch it will result in having our eyes pasted in shit! It’s not a big deal really is it? Of course not… well probably not. Anyway let’s remove the permanent anchor of impending doom and get ourselves a well earned dose of happiness and frivolity as we put on a wacky t-shirt, talk in silly voices and skip merrily through the world of…. Positivity.

I am an incredibly annoying person for many reasons, as it would be obvious to anyone familiar with this blog, but the most annoying thing about me is I am chirpy in the face of any adversity. It grates on my wife’s nerves something rotten, and I completely understand why. When you are in a stooper nothing is worse than someone being merry and reasonable, it is the worse thing in the world… I know this as I do occasionally go in to seething rages, but over the most flippant things, tv remotes not working, burning toast, my tea getting cold, losing my page in a book, and all the other petty, stupid things men get in to micro-rages about… You know them 2 minute hissy-fits which leave you looking like a total prick, but are completely unavoidable… but when in a mini-rage the worst thing in the world is someone trying to cheer you up or explaining that you shouldn’t be in a rage, and then detailing why you shouldn’t, just to heighten the level of prickyness you already feel. But when it comes to big things, serious problems, financial strife, illness, family problems, deaths, births, marriages, anything that actually matters, I approach them all with a simpering cheeriness that would make you want to cave my skull in with a lump hammer. And apart form my inane and winsome grin trying to smile my way to a resolution, I also embark on a series of completely inappropriate jokes to help the situation along, “Chemotherapy’s not all bad, now you’re streamlined you’ll knock precious seconds off your 100 meters breast-stroke”…followed by my own self satisfied chuckles. How I have not been murdered or at least seriously beaten remains a mystery.

For the longest time I believed I acted this way out of some nervous defense system, “Lookout, life’s coming, make a joke or it’ll get you and make you cry… like a little girl… in front of everyone you know!”. I actually dreaded it and lived in constant fear of the next time some thing important happened to someone and I ruined it and get a great mouth full of Stan Smiths. This led me to just do nothing when someone told me something big, my best mate could be telling me that his wife is leaving him and I’d just sit there and try to be nonchalant and wait for the moment to pass, so I don’t unintentionally make the situation about a trillion times worse, however the problem with that is that me trying to look nonchalant looks more like I have a brain condition and am trying to do long division. That is arguably worse than the chuckle and barrage of bad jokes I’d have bottled up inside me. But as I have gotten older I realise that my gallows humor is not a bad thing at all, an inappropriate thing maybe, an annoying thing almost certainly, but not a bad thing… no siree not bad at all.

I do my best to live by a simple code for life, and it is this “Laugh or Cry”. Basically life is always going to have goods and bads these are unavoidable despite our best efforts, and though it is cheesier than a Frenchman dipped in Brie wearing a Camembert hat and Emmental de Savoie shoes, being upset about things for an unreasonable amount of time does nothing to make anything any better ever, so what’s the point… turn that frown upside down! I also strongly believe the best way to deal with any problem is make a joke out of it, no matter what it is as long as you can find comedy in it you can find hope. Its really an old cliché that the world looks better through a smile, but like most clichés it has deep roots of truth, so despite the fact that you may want to cut my face off and throw it like a Frisbee for your dog when I chuckle like a madman at your problems and make a series of highly inappropriate jokes, I shall continue to do so, with an honest comedic sense of good intent in my heart.

Positive, unless were speaking HIV, it’s never a bad thing, and though there are times it is far easier to weep like a fat girl at a salad bar rather than guffaw like a blunt minded nincompoop watching a Will Farrel movie, in the long run it is always better to have hope over despair, and if despair is all you have got then make a joke out of it, like the Jews or English football fans. Life is far too short and tragic to ever really be taken seriously, so what’s the point in being upset about it? It is always better to just love what you have and hope for the best rather than to constantly be sad and bitter and covet all you do not have. That is why Morecambe is Happier than Wise, why Ren is sadder than Stimpy and why you see great seas of blissful simpering morons littering the streets of this country laughing like drains at all they see, yeah they have no money, their mum and dad are cousins and they have 7 toes on each hand, but when an excuse to whoop excitedly and celebrate giddily arises, they wrestle it to the floor, feed it crisps and beer and snigger like banshees. Even over the most mind numbing shit like people getting evicted from Big Brother, although that in itself is a deeply depressing thought, its that ethos of laughing and enjoying life like a relentless prick that will lead to a better life, so see happiness everywhere and seize it in a kung-fu grip. All you can ever do in life is laugh or cry…. Seems like a pretty easy choice to me.

Well that was happier than the last load of bollocks I wroted on the intynets, and somewhere it its garbled hybrid of bad English and confused ranting’s is a message, a
message of hope, of positivity, of always looking on the bright side of life no matter what old lady fate tries to trip you up with. Life is a terrible thing and the only thing that can make it worse is wasting it being a miserable guff-monger of doom. I mean people who take life too serious spend all their time being outraged at what might happen they lose all site of what is happening. And well that’s just a great stinking turd of a way to be if you ask this sniggering, simple minded, grinning imbecile… LOL.

For today only, as I am in a good mood you can follow me on twitter, just don’t dampen my buzz man!



  1. Excellent stuff once again sir.

    Positevely charged SNH5!!

    IT's always better to laugh, although I haven't got a smiley face on all the time, I try (like your goodself) to defuse difficult sittuatioms with humour.
    As the old saying goes, "laugh and the world laugh's with you (unless your James Codren)Cry and you cry alone", and my personel favourite, "he who laughs last....didn't understand the joke".

  2. More woeful ramblings from Aldershot.

    Never mind the new footie season starts soon and as Aldershot are in 3 cup competitions there are at least 49 woes available to comment on from August.

    My take on the WC is available as are my thoughts on the World Cup. If you want to read about footie rather than toilets than click here

    If the reverse then you are very disturbed

  3. It takes less muscles to smile than to frown
    Even less to punch the happy git tho..

  4. I don't be-leeve it!

    oh hang on, that joke dont work no more...


    great blog, mate

  5. I'm positive

    Positively pissed off that you keep coming up with great stuff twice or 3 times a week while I only manage to get off my lazy arse once a fortnight

  6. Cheers people, glad you read it and hopefull i put a smaile on your chevy chase for a couple of minutes, i'll be back to moaning about all kinds of shit soon enough though, so dont go reitring those "i dont beleive its" just yet mr blogs sir...

    And gaz, your having steak once a fortnight and i'm eating Iceland economy burgers in bread not buns everyother day... damn that analogy has made me hungry....