Friday, 16 July 2010


Well 4 in a week it is then, I fucking spoil you lot… by you lot I of course mean the written word, and by spoil I mean desecrate with my ignorant childish and often hate filled and petty rants… But seeing as how it is Friday, what the heck-a-roo, lets do It all over again… Welcome to the 25th Aldershot Woe.

A little while ago I wrote a blog which was essentially mocking very sick children, but it was OK as the thing killing them was fat and not cancer so it was ok to laugh, titter-titter-tee-hee. Well it appears that I am not the only one to have noticed the increasing plumpness of our children and the gross waste of nugget meat they have become in the last decade. Techno boffins over at Microsoft have developed the solution to the problem of our bloated off-spring, they have developed a fake computer child… Milo.

This new computer based lad has been in development over at Microsoft for a while now, and though a previous incarnation of the digital littl’un was revealed back in 08, a brand new finished and more boy-like version has been unveiled this week, at some great fucking gadget-jizz fest. The hi-def electro-kid is to be launched on the Xbox using their new Kinect technology, which is designed like the Wii, it picks up your movements and then relays them to the computer box. This is meant to make the Wii look like a load of shit crammed in to a white box, as the censors will pick up entire body movements (not just stick waving), so even more flummoxing about like a complete prick in your living room… aces!

The child they have made is called Milo, and each Milo will be entirely different says creator Peter Molyneux, who looks like a cross between Vince Cable and some eyebrow remover… Milo is in essence a new Tamagotchi for the 21st century, but instead of an LCD puppy, which is mildly amusing to starve to death, you have a full grown child at your mercy. And it may have just been the less than perfect resolution on the picture I have seen, but he looks pretty ill as it is, the skin tones on the graphics make him look grey and pasty, still at least there’s a chance you can get your new computer son to some good footy matches with the Make A Wish foundation…

But your new computer sprog unlike a tamagotchi will respond to your facial expression and body language, and apparently flap his gums incessantly like a real little boy. Which offers users to be just like real parents, well in as much that you can pass on your neurosis, force them to live your dreams and crush there spirit daily… The temptation to spit on a hankie and wipe his big screen face must be huge. Peter Molyneux the designer is pretty bloody pleased with his kiddyware, and he seriously thinks this is the beginning of a new dawn in home entertainment… "Films, TV, even hallowed books, are just rubbish because they don't involve me," he said. "It's a sea of blandness."… Well, given the look of him and the fact that he is a software designer who made his name in 80s text based business simulators, its pretty good for books and film that they aren’t about him, I dare say if the protagonist of the T2 was a software designer/Larry David lookalike sent from the future, John Connor would have been royally fudged. But though Mr Molyneux comes across as an odious little twat-smear, I get the distinct impression that Milo will be a big hit and I imagine that next Christmas (or when ever it comes out) living rooms all over the world will be fill of people talking to their cyber kid and getting all schmaltzy as it learns there name or smiles back at them, vomit. Of corse this nauseating scene will be neutralised by the creation of digital bullies who make poor little Milo cower as they threaten him with violence and psychologically scar him with constant put downs…

This sort of thing is all well and good, and Milo represents the pinnacle of a long emerging technology but where does it all end, and who will look after Milo once the shine rubs off and you think "fuck talking to this little goit, where’s Halo 3?" I still feel for my wife’s “Nintendog” Terrence who she cruelly abandoned as whistling and calling his name made her look like a twat, heartless woman…
Well I wish Milo all the luck in the world, and fingers crossed he goes to a good home when Milo 2 comes out, my kids wont have it, I’d prefer they had real friends, call me old fashioned. I just hope this is not the beginning of a “parent-hero” craze, where groups of twats upload their sprogs and have digital toddler groups… Just me being cynical I am sure…

Well there you go, short woe… hope you enjoyed it, have a good weekend.
You cant follow me on Twitter, so please stop asking.



  1. This development is very worrying for the adoption organiations in 3rd world countries. Why will the stuck up bitches and same sex couples that want a kid but don't want the formalities of creating one ever travel to a hot smelly place to spend thousands on an orphan involving reams of paperwork when they can have a Milo delivered next day by Fedex? Will Bill Gates' philanthropy cover the shortfall? Will a portion of Milo sales be donated to the now unemployed sperm donors and distant orphanages? Does Milo have an anti virus package installed or does he need innoculations and check-ups like real kids? Can Milo play footy? Is he English?

  2. " Techno boffins over at Microsoft have developed the solution to the problem of our bloated off-spring......."
    No need for Hi tec intervention.
    Just stop stuffing their fat little faces with greasy junk, take away their playstations and get them to move their chubby arses once in a while.


    And now for the economy....

    Great piece mang, 4 in a weak and all top notch, you are a blogging machine! Hold up. You wasn't invented by Microsoft was ya?
    Nah, ofcourse you wasn't, your from A'shot, nothing that hailed from there would be called 'soft.

    I would like to wish a good weekend, but by the time you read this it will probably be Monday again, in which case, where's the new woe?

  3. cheers yous lot, you found it with out me whoring it... oh shit Hman it is monday, i had better get woeing....