Wednesday, 28 July 2010


Moan, moan, moan that’s all I seem to do with this blog, bitch about this, whine about that, blah, blah, blah, “oh no, I’m too thick to use an I-phone!!”… “oh no, kids are getting fatter”… “oh no the fragile human psyche is flawed on every level and we are seeking a fabricated happiness that our minds have no real capacity to understand and all of our actions are controlled by selfishness as is dictated by the human condition, wah wah wah!”… Well it is called the Aldershot “Woes”, so if you were expecting anything else you clearly have some sort of brain malfunction and you should be thrown in sack, smashed against a wall and thrown in to a river of poo… and used ladies things!............... Yeah it’s episode 30 of the Aldershot Woes…

You know what’s wrong with the world? Everything. That’s one of the worlds biggest problems, even things that are good end at some point and occasionally when you go back to a good thing it has been changed and is no longer good at all. Life’s a dirty cat-shit as it does this frequently, and as a result you NEVER know if what you are going to do will be a good thing or a shit thing. Well a good thing anyway, there is plenty you can do which you know will be shit, brushing your teeth with screwdriver, apple bobbing in Christopher Biggins fat folds, going down on a dead fox, watching anything with James Corden in, putting your nuts in a garlic crusher, going anywhere on a bus… well there’s plenty is what I am saying… But good things, they can stop being good and start being shit at any time. Take a holiday for example, should be brill, you plan for months, you save for years and when you get there, the kids are a nightmare and you spend 2 weeks in one long argument with your missus. But the ultimate I would guess for readers on here is sport (footy), you never know if you are going to be on top of the world or under a bus (a metaphorical bus of misery) when you go to a footy match. Life is a long series of ups and downs and the only thing that gets us through it is the eternal silver lining of shitness, once you have experienced something shit you can complain your bollocks off about it…

In Britain we moan a lot and rightly so, we live in a never ending shite-hole of greyness and depression, if you weren’t able to moan about life in Britain you’d want to chew your feet off at the ankles just to relieve a bit of tension. But the whle world moans and so does everyone in it, even rich people moan, but unlike US they invent things to moan about, like immigrants or global warming, then they moan about how poor people don’t moan about the same things they do. That’s because poor people have real things to moan about, you know actual real life things, like feeding their families and keeping them clothed and housed… honestly some poor people would rather have a functioning telephone than save the Siberian Womp Rat, selfish is what it is. Anyway, where was I, oh yeah moaning, we love it, it makes everything bearable I honestly think it is the most natural of all human emotions, which tragically says an awful lot about what a misery bollocks I am…

But complaining if done correctly can be a powerful tool, and one my wife has become addicted to. Last summer we went to a “Brewsters” family restaurant, pre-kids we used to go there loads, but now only as an occasional treat. I know its not like a proper restaurant and its essentially just muck heated up by a spotty youth whose only GCSE is in Food Tech (Home Ec, to people with O levels), but I don’t care, its nice. You get a half chicken and chips and coleslaw and mushy peas and a beer and a pudding and you don’t need to speak to a financial adviser to do so. I like it, the kids like it, the wife likes it, its corny as hell but bollocks, give me corny by the bucket over pretention any day. Anyway, last summer we went and it was one of the worst experiences of my life, it took an eon to get our order taken, then another millennium for the food to come, and when it did it was shit, really shit. My wife had to ask to have hers taken back as there was an disturbing orange stain all over her chicken (I shit you not) and then rather than bring a new meal back they forgot about us. My eldest daughters pizza was burnt and my gammon and eggs had 2 of the most horrendously undercooked eggs your likely to see, it was like jizz on thick bacon… all in all it was an absolute shit of meal and an experience I would not wish on any one, not even my mortal enemy (you know who you are!). Afterwards we felt violated and angry so much so that we decided to complain, in writing… a big step, as we really love that place. Anyways, my wife penned a letter of disdain we sent it off and got on with our lives… Then a week later we got a letter, a very nice apologetic letter assuring us that they would take steps and speak to the staff and make improvements all around, but who gives a shit about that as also included was a £20 voucher… Get in!

We won, we made a complaint, they accepted our criticism and gave us a reward for doing so, for years like everyone else my wife just put up with shit and thought cest la vie, but the whole time she could have bitched about it and got a reward (the temptation to add a marriage risking joke is strong, but I must resist). Now she stands for nothing, and if something is shit, she reaches for the pen and the pad and writes up a letter of wrath to the perpetrator, and hell hath no furry like a woman scorned, and trust me women take consumer rights far more seriously than they do marriage. In the last year we have had free Coffee from Costa as a result of a “watery” Frappacino, free nappies from Pampers courtesy of some broken tabs, £20 from Pizza hut, for a similarly shite experience to the one Brewsters gave us… You name it, if it has been even slightly shit, she’s kicked up a stink and gotten some free shit as result. She has gone a little power mad though I think, now she saunters in to establishments looking for faults like a cross between the Hotel Inspector and Kim and Aggie, and if anywhere does fail to meet her ever increasing standards… Get ready with some vouchers!

Complaining is empowering and fun, you can be mean about things and not feel bad and it makes the grating nipple cripple of existence bearable and as long as you survive an experience with your larynx intact, you can bitch your tits off to the world about it, and you never know you might even get some free stuff as a result. Just as a warning, you will be tempted moan about this blog in the comments section below, and rightly so, its rubbish, the grammars poor, I am no where near educated enough to be writing anything other than a benefits form (D at GCSE… twice) but if you do complain the only thing your likely to get for free is another blog, and the cycle will continue till we’re all dead and the wasps have seized control of the planet.

You can’t follow me on twitter as its shit, and I can’t be bothered with this running joke, like all running jokes they have to fall down at some stage (see Theo Walcott for further proof).



  1. RBA, a couple of friendly suggestions. Firstly the word is spelt 'aeon' (with a linked 'a' and 'e' whatsit of which the Greeks seemed so fond). The version you wrote is American English and so therefore not even a real word. Secondly, "its rubbish"? I think not! "It's rubbish" would be more appropriate.

    Now can I have a free blog please?

    Yours pedantically,
    Tommy B

  2. No complaints here bro, another cracking effort and I'm glad I got to this one early as I was all the way down at comment 36 in the last installment. (36 comments, you'll be getting sponsers soon mate)

    Some say the pen is mightier then the sword, well, they're obviously idiots, coz I've never seen a film where a Samarai chopped apendages off with a bic. Can you imagine how crap Highlander (No way crappier then the sequel, which was crap, dipped in crap with a hard coated crap shell)would of been if Chrissy Lamboeurrrt (Conner McCloud) had to scrible the other immortals noggins off with a felt tip?
    What's my point? Well, once again, I don't know, but suffice to say, be careful how many letters of complaint you pen, because sooner or later you're bound to send one to a sword weilding maniac.

  3. I'll scrap my planned complaint to "Angry Daves Sword Imporium" then... cheers hman, wise words as ever mate...

    And tommo, i thank you for taking the time to bring these points to my atttention, i assure you we do not really care and dont give a fuck, and you know this... MAANNN! but please find above and all around the internet, where your free blog will be posted at some point probably friday...

    one last thing, eon-aeon.... Fuck the greeks!

  4. Yeah, fuck em! Plate smashing, philosophical, kiddy fiddling bunch of gonzo economists that they are. Yeah, racism baby!! But not really, cos they're European.

  5. The Greeks invented buttfucking, they won't care.

  6. have that you dirty greek bastards... Europeanist! (actualy i'm a guitarist)

  7. Well I'm with your wife - not literally cos I don't live in Aldershot and it would just be a bit weird all round - and once wrote a 3 page (and I cut it short) letter of things that annoyed me about our local Tescos.

    They sent £25 worth of vouchers but I then got worried as I'd moaned about so many different departments that it would flag up 'This woman is a whinging bitch' when I tried to spend them ...

    I did try and post that earlier but it never showed up, either it's dog-poo technology or someone, quite rightly, decided it wasn't worth the effort

  8. This is good this, I'm very tempted to complain to Mick Channon about the running of the horse he trains and I backed at Haydock 3 weeks ago. I'd complain more but they don't make it easy to find their address and of course you have to give them yours if you ever want a reply.

    Sure as eggs is runny eggs, next time you go to Brewsters there'll be snot and spit and semen on your cole slaw.

  9. WOW Trott!! The man just told ya he got a GCSE in Food Tech...... There aint gon be not semen on the slaw. Unless, he be a wanker and he did it while designing the food!!

  10. theres another side to this of course

    well ive had some shitty jobs in my time and some of them have involved being complained at for the mistakes of otters. otters make lots of mistakes down on the riverbank so me and ratty have copped a lot of shit in our time.

    i worked for a large Gas providing outlet once logging engineers visits to replace Gas meters. i got an earfull once form a disgrunteled customer and if he's been reasonable i would have informed him he was entitled to compensation for the non-appearance of the engineer.

    he preferred to give me piece of his (tiny) mind -as in "I gave "THEM" (sic) a piece of my mind" not sure he could spare it actually bacause my next action was to log into his customer details and change the name on his bill to Dave the Cunt.

    i left shortly afterwards

  11. hey man your building up a well-deserved following

  12. And with Robbo writing up shite of late, it's only a matter of time some of us resign from the Robbo blog and go for the Shots blog!!!
    More so that the majority of you lot is the same lot that cranks up to 700 comments on Robbo's.

  13. Good blog RBA. I look forward to your blogs as much as robbos.....yet you manage to out-blog him (number wise) every week.

    I think It depends on how you complain. I have always made sure its not personal to the bloke/woman i am complaining to, well unless they were the James (hunt) who was bang out of order.

    We went out with my bro and sister in law and her parents a few years back and the pub fucked up their food royally. My sister in law complained and the bloke gave them a couple of bottles of wine and wiped the shite food from the bill.........but that wasnt enough to her.......she HAD to make the poor bloke feel small. I had to step in and punch her in the face*.

    I think you can make your point in a nice way....i have got the odd threshers voucher for going about it that way......hang on...threshers went bust......bastards!!!!

    * This didnt happen.

  14. * This didnt happen
    Bet you nutted her instead, eh Scholsey?

  15. Crumbs, i am getting a good following, many thanks too all who read it and left precious precious words... with i need to feed my young'uns with. REALLY APRECIATED...

    Scholey mate, that high praise indeed sir but its easier for me to do more blogs than robo i write about any old mind scum that floats to the top of my brain tank, biscuits, favorite smealls, uses for dead hedgehogs, where as robbo has to write about sport, in summer, where the best story is a drunk cancer patient dies, and its just an awful great fucking tragedy... But thaks anyway, its fun writings.

    Blogs, if thats true sir, you are a legend. And i know how it goes, i work in sales so am forever getting chastised, often for otters mistakes, but i also try to take credit for teh good work of otters where i can to balance things out.

    Monks, Trotts, i have beemn back to brewsters a fair few times since, and all i'll say is i like a salty cloeslaw, very artsy...

    Trotts, mate i have tried somethign similar, i complain to the lottery every week for not picking my numbers, but they say i dont play the lottery, and i say what about this ticket, and they say thats a bus ticket, and i say oh, then they say get out...

    HellsBells! I told my wife that, and she is now composing a letter of complaint (did they bung you any club card points aswell? I'm a real whore for club card points...)

    Anyway, if that chris charles style mention you all in comments tactic doesnt make you love me i dont know what will? (what will??? )

  16. Anyway, if that chris charles style mention you all in comments tactic doesnt make you love me i dont know what will? (what will??? )


    since you ask, £10,000 deposited in the following Barclays account:


    you'll be able to set up your own Love Cult soon, rba, and then youll be able to sexually exploit your followers. a threesome with dave gilmour and BoJanglesofOz could be on the cards if you play them right!

    i agree though that your blogs are at least as good as robbos but he was sacked so the career trajectory of talented bloggers seems uncertain in these troubled times

    keep it up, meister.

  17. PS :

    "I dont be-leeeeeeeve it!"

  18. PPS and yes it is true, it was some time ago though and i cant remember the exact wording of my mischievous editting but dave the cunt captures the general drift

  19. OK Blog, the 10G will be deposited as soon as you give me your Credit Card number, your address and deposit $279 into an account that I'll give you. It's a Nigerian account......

  20. "a threesome with dave gilmour and BoJanglesofOz could be on the cards if you play them right!"

    You remove your drunken rant about cunnylingus, but post this filth and fuck off on holiday!


  21. Talking of complaining.......i purchased one of those OurJoke©® thingys the other day....yet it still hasnt arrived! Im writing to Topcat! That nice Nicky Campbell fella (who isnt up his own arse or a complete tool by the way)* will sort things out for me.

    *This isnt true

  22. Holloway2Holland said...
    * This didnt happen
    Bet you nutted her instead, eh Scholsey?

    29 July 2010 02:25


    If only......sigh

  23. Well written my friend

    New PSB blog up

    Can you persuade some Aldershot Woes followers to follow mine to make me feel better

  24. Morning guys

    This is news to me! Apparently Kanu is only 34? I used to think he is 44 or something
    Kanu stays at Pompeiiiiiiyyyyy