Monday, 26 July 2010


Well it is Monday again, which means you are back in the office, back typing boring emails, making boring phone calls, shooting the breeze with people you hate “good weekend?” “yeah… and you?” “yeah…” scintillating stuff… back to staring at clocks or getting in to a massive tizz about work issues, which is horrible, work steals enough of your time and now its taking your emotions too… the bastard. Well rather than babble on about work as that’s just depressing lets do a blog about “Remakes”, and call it Episode 29 of the Aldershot Woes.

Well it’s Monday again, which means we are back in the office, back typing emails in HD whilst being blasted by space cannons and diving out of harms way as bullet time Matrix style photon blasts narrowly pass us by missing us by microns but being close enough to, in fine detail, tear through the fabric of our work shirts. Back making 12.4 mega-dolby super surround-sound speeches in to the latest I-phones with frequent close ups of the poxy apple logo. Back to talking in quick snappy unrealistic “Friends” type banter with photo-shop enhanced work colleagues, none of whom are old and shit all of whom are young, and if male completely henched out of proportions and if female have boobs big enough for a family of squirrels to lay safely nestled through out a cold winter, all with teeth so white you need those special glasses they have for looking at eclipses to look directly at them. All the clocks are cool “24” style countdowns, and if you get in a tizz about something it ends in a highly improbable angry movie love situation, as obviously its all just a big boiling pot of hot unrealistic sexiness. And that’s not fair as work is already taking your time, but this summer…. It’s taking your soul too, in 3-D, starring Miley Cyrus and them walking eyebrows from the teenage girl vampire saga.

Remakes are shit. In fairness I could just end my blog there and I would be justified in doing so, then I could get Hollywood to remake it but instead of words it would just be a huge 3-D spinning bit of poo and a soundtrack featuring Lady Gaga doing a cover version of your favourite song (just imagine it, and shudder). But I won’t leave it at that I will go briefly in to the subject, as I need to vent my spleen over the advert for the new A-Team movie which I saw for the first time this weekend, as it was just all completely wrong. They have got the deep-voice “this summer” movie guy recreating the intro to the A-Team (you know, in 1973 a crack team of commandoes etc etc…) and he just gets it all wrong. It sounds wrong, he says “soldiers for hire” instead of “soldiers of fortune”, the whole delivery is off and well, its just plain wrong… I feel like a Christian who’s bought an audio CD of the bible only to find out it been read by Joe Pasquale and Bobcat Goldthwaite. Now some people may be thinking “well, what’s the big fucking deal?” my wife certainly didn’t understand why I leapt up and started punching the television or why I was sobbing like a madman for hours afterwards. But this is just the latest in a series of Hollywood remakes of my childhood memories, and I really don’t know how much more I can take?

Like everyone who is my age, I was born in 1983 so all my first childhood memories are from the genuine golden age of cinema. Star Wars was a BIG part of my life and like all sane men between the ages of 45 and 23 I watched the films religiously and can recite most scenes at will, but it was the unparalleled popularity of these films and the unrelenting greed of its creators that sparked the recent obsession with remakes.

“An extra scene, fuck off… in New Hope, with Han and Jabba? No way… I have to see this”. This was everyone in 1998 when in warming up for the triple-shit of Star Wars prequels George Lucas re-released the original trilogy in CGI wanker-vision. It would take genuine espionage to make these films bad, like CGI-ing Nick Cleggs face on to Darth Vader or replacing the John Williams score with soundtrack to Mama Mia, and the revamps weren’t bad, they were just wrong. The extra scene with Jabba was shit, if something is not good enough for people in 1976, chances are 20 years later it will still be shit. The occasional shot of a CGI Bantha or a shinier X-wing aside, there was very little point to the re-release, it just took some original charm away from the movies and replaced it with what now looks very dated special effects. But millions of people went to see them again and it made a whole heap of money, and remember this is art, so that’s all that matters.

At that moment a financial epiphany hit the creative minds of Hollywood, rather than trying untested ideas which take thought and an element of risk, “let’s just re-hash old ideas?” This is, from a marketing view, the absolute bollocks… fans of the original will want to see it, the characters are established so you can forgo expensive “actors” and have grinning morons with shiny teeth, it just becomes a paint-by-numbers franchise exercise, which is guaranteed to make “x” amount of dollars, regardless of how shit it is. However from an artistic or entertaining aspect this practice is stunting the industry and denying future generations their own Star Wars… But if I am honest I am not worried about the artistic integrity of Hollywood, Star Wars is a rip off of a bunch of Japanese films anyway, what I do care about is the reformatting of MY childhood memories… for the love of god Hollywood, just stop doing things wrong!

Now in the last 10 years there have been too many shit remakes to list them all, and also so many have been so shit that the memory of them has already evaporated from your mind… Dukes of Hazard, The Pink Panther, Alfie, The Italian Job, Godzilla, St Trinnians, Any Horror film you can think of, Planet of the Apes, Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, Shaft, and there are thousands more, and the common bond is none are as good as the originals. I am sure at least one must be any good or at least viable, but I’ll be damned if I can think of it now, Reservoir Dogs is a remake of a scene is some Korean film, but that’s kind of different (cue letters from angry Koreans). The overwhelming majority of these remakes are just soulless cash cows, and I am not against the remakes in principle, it’s just that now when you look at the big movies for the coming year, at least half are remakes, and most of them are crushingly disappointing.

“One shall stand, one shall fall”. The greatest line in one of the greatest films ever made, Transformers the movie. I love Transformers, I loved the cartoons, the comics and above all the toys, giant robots fighting a massive war, who can turn in to cars and planes and shit, fuck yes! Now like most people my age, a real-life Transformer movie was the stuff of geeky wet-dreams, and when I heard it had actually happened and been made and was coming out for real in my life time, the cynicism fell away and I was like a child at Christmas. I was so excited I broke my first law of movies and went to a cinema to watch it, yep I organised a loan to by the tickets and sold my organs on the black market to fund a tiny flat cup of ice with some Coke splashed on top and a thimble of Ben and Jerry’s ice cream. What followed was 2 hours of “what, no, that’s shit. Oh come on, what, it doesn’t even look like a transformer. Oh fuck off, no, what, really, god no, just finish, just shoot me, no, no, no, no, no, no!” Easily one of the worst films I have ever seen, and before the Megan Fox brigade jump on, yeah she is attractive, so what? How could anyone make such shit looking robots, what was with there faces looking like the inside of watches, why did they take so long to transform, why was it so confusing to watch, why was Bumble Bee (the gayest robot since the bum-o-tron 4000) the lead robot character, how did someone think this would be good in anyway? But who cares, it made fifty billion trillion squillion pounds at the cinema and a dozen sequels are planned, and everything cool about my Transformers is forgotten and replaced with new utter, utter shit.

Remakes are here now and unbearably popular, add some CGI and a bird with some big norks and that’ll do, just throw a dart in to Blockbusters and what ever it hits, BAM remake that bitch… “Oh, Scarface… right cast Ashton Kutcher as Tony, CGI up a chainsaw, replace the machine guns with photon blasters, set it in space and have it so he learns a lesson at the end of the film and rather than dies he chases Elvira to the airport and stops her getting on that space cruiser, and he gets married and Manny is his best man and they all dance like eejits to Justin Bieber and Lady Gaga’s rendition of “White lines don’t do it” by grandmaster flash and Melle Mel.

Well that’s my spleen vented, remakes are a load of shit though, and they are always done wrong as they just shouldn’t be done in the first place, if you are going to see the A-team, then you are an idiot, it should be boycotted and we should all Jihad its makers, but I suppose you never know it might be good like the remake of erm…. Err… yeah.

You can’t follow me on Twitter, but you can on Twitter 2010, it’s a remake of previous tweets with better graphics and bigger tits.





    I have a feeling a few people won't know what you are on about. I do though as I am also a Nerd. (With a capital N as all Nerds are superior to other lifeforms).

    Transformers 1 wasn't that bad. What happened was that they gave Michael Bay a movie, and like every time they do that someone was assigned to look over his shoulder and say "Michael, ffs stop going overboard, that's fucking stupid."

    Unfortunately like every time Michael Bay makes a film in this way it also makes a shit load of money so when the 2nd film in the series comes around he is able to have the shoulder-hanger guy removed and he can do what he wants.

    Cue Transformers 2, in which he makes 2 hours of complete nonsense. With fireworks. And Megan Fox poured over a motorbike. (See Bad Boys 2 for further evidence).

    Of course I will watch The A-Team and of course I will cry a little inside at how shit it will be. But I still had to change my pants when I first heard it was happening and I still got angry when America got it over a month before us. Special relationship my arse.

    Also, the re-invigortgeneratimagined Knight Rider was complete shit. Bastards.

    Anyway I don't usually write this much in a comment but my nerdiness (and therefore superiority) is coming out!

  2. Planet of the Apes wasn't bad but I agree the rest of those listed remakes were poor.

    Transformers had some good ideas but Prime was never meant to have his face visible and their was none of his unflappable calm when they were "hiding" in the back garden.

    Could have been outstanding but was merely good.

  3. Michael Bay is excellent with Armageddon and Deja VU particularly good.

    Will not be watching teh A-Team film though. Whoever cast that movie should look at the cast of The Expendables and be told You Know Where You Went Wrong

    Hannibal - George Clooney
    Face - Brad Pitt
    Murdoch - Jim Carrey
    BA - Ice Cube

    Decker - Bruce Willis

    Woman who hires the A-Team - Angelina Jolie

    Now that would have been a top film

  4. Clash of the Titans. It ruined my flight home. Where do I sign up for pitchfork and flaming torch?

  5. Haha, yes the two biggest Nerds are the first to post... haha. If i am honest i know my problems with remakes are mine, not hollwoods or anyone elses... and as a Nerd it is my choice to vent about them. Transformers was just utter toilet though, and Adam i know you are a BIG fan of the comics, think of all the awesome Simon Furman stories they could have had??? Yet they went for this shite..

    As for the planet of Apes, yeah that was OK, i liked the end, but i like Tim Burton (at times...ish). To be honest i am just shouting off about ATeam, as it will be utter sh!t, and it will probably be popular, or worse they'll do what they did to Action Force (GI Joe) and make it a laughing stock! Cobra should be camp english guys comanded by a man who sounds suspiciously like Starscream...

  6. Clash of the titans... thats another one of them! Well spotted tommo man...

    i think the worst thing is with remakes is you do want to watch them even though they are shit... i will watch the Ateam at some point, its another aspect that makes them such good money spinners... "i just wanna see what they do with it"?

    they have us... by the balls!

  7. Watchmen was good.

    I don't like saying Adam is right but yes there was only ever one person to play Murdoch and that was Jim Carrey.

    As for Liam 'How the fuck am I paid as an actor' Neeson, well that's just terrible.

    By the way my nerdiness does not progress to comics. Or comic books should I say. Andy Capp is fucking brilliant.

    Comic books are utter shit in my opinion. And of course my opinion is better than Adams because he's a Tory and Daily Mail reader! Which is kind of a comic book I suppose.

  8. I sense a nerd-a-thon comments section!

  9. Yeah, comic books are shit... Graphic novels on the other hand! Diffrent matter... i only read transformers and batman, everything else is cack... oh and the Viz and i did read the Beano... fuck the dandy though.

    Whizzer and Chips, proper characters like angry man, or ginger boy and naughty dog, red ball, bully mike, steve the 9 year old, hahahahahahaha, oh memories!

  10. Nerd-a-thon???

    I hope not i forgot my Asthma inhaler!!!

  11. Star Trek is utter shit.. NxGen, the one with Kirk, the one with quanton leap, even vouyer..

    that deepthroat 9 is alright though... very arty!

  12. I like those little guys who lived inside and worked someone else from the inside. Whoever they were.

    Didn't read much as a kid as there was television!!

    Knight Rider
    Blue Thunder
    Mission Impossible
    Miami Vice
    Hardcastle & McCormick
    Streek Hawk

    Man how the fuck did TV end up so shit with all these fucking amazing 80s shows!!

    And that doesn't even include the comedies

  13. It is messed up... Airwolf is the shit. and its called SuperCopter in france gaz (to help you on holiday, haha).

    And the films were much better too... the 80s were a golden age of entertainment.

    How did we get to where we are now, where did it all go wrong...


    Automan. Only 1 series. Why?

  15. "typing emails in HD?"
    RBA, that's a f........ er? Am i allowed to swear? Well, i guess so. That's a fucking classic mate

  16. Monk my man, feel free to cuss al you like, its why i have teh adult content warning...

    Minge, wang, fucksnot, Gary Neville, its all ok here at the woes...

    Cheers man...

  17. Automan, sounds amazing... why it only ever made one series will remain crime until Micheal Bay remakes it...

  18. I actually fink all them franchises must.... I repeat MUST give all remakes to Michael Bay and/or Jerry Bruckheimer and/or John Woo to have anything that wont feel shitty in the first place. All these other jerks are just making a mess as is. . . . . . .

  19. i wouldnt know because i never knowingly go to see re-makes because we all know theyre shit don we?

    BUT one exception - vincent price. He always made films which impossible not to better second time -

    cronenburgs fly scared he shit out of me whilst the original which ends with vncent prices head grafted on a little fly in the garden as it gets eaten by a spider has me chuckling even now

    Price's the last man on earth was remade as one of my favourite films (it remnds me of the estate i grew up on in stoke) the brilliant but prbably racist if i thought about it -The Omega Man.

    the iron Law tht Remakes are Shite i understand kicked bavk in with the re-remake which i havent seen and wont because we all know remakes are shite dont we so what you all playin at dont you never learn?

  20. wot about cover versions, rba.

    lots of them i prefer to the original my updated comedy re-lyriced no longer heart-rending Mad world are fuckin hilarious, to me anyway, my own "house of the rising bun" is good enough to eat, and my version of the jams thats entertainment have all the local cats screming their ppreciationn

  21. Oi, Price wasn't the fly in the original... he was the flies freind, and the confident of the lady who was the flies freind who they try to arrest for her husband (the flies) murder... although the bit at the end when the spiders going to eat the fly is brilliant...

    But yeah, the goldblum fly is better, much better, great film actually...

    Sorry for being such a geeky pedent... forget i said anyhting.

  22. ah cover versions are ok, as long as they aren't like for like... i dunno it depends. i usualy prefer originals, i think, i am not sure, look all i am saying is the a team looks rubbish, so was transformers, and the CGI turtles film, and er look new ateam sucks!

  23. Can we get a remake of what Blogggy said on Saturday night when he was drunk?

  24. Oh yeah what did you say man?

    anyway Price played Francois Delambre, and the fly was David Hedison... whoever the fuck he is!

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  26. haha haha...

    it fits with the star trek banter though

    (a new all time low for us today i think)

  27. FFS is that all?

    I thought you threatened to kill someone.

    You never need to delete cunnilingus techniques from t'internet. There's always room for improvement, or so I'm told :)

    You did mean improve your technique rather than improv it didn't you? Improv-ing would be funny, in the middle of Tesco.

  28. I here that was why Robo wasnt invited back to Whose Line is It anyway???

  29. Josie Lawrence was never the same again...

  30. This comment has been removed by the author.

  31. Or she may have thought you were calling her a turnip. Which is a big no-no. Believe me.

  32. Great blog RBA, DNH2LAD2LATSH5 (Different name however 2 letters are different, 2 letters are the same hi 5)......wont do that again...promise.

    Agreed about sequels.....also throw in there the lame "brought to you by the same team that were behind american pie 9" films. Its like, yes lets make a very similar film but without the bits that made the first one funny.

    Saying that about sequels.....i did find police academy 1, 2 & (i think) 3 funny, but then i wasnt that old so someone opening a door quickly was probably funny to me at the time.

    oh and RBA....leave off the "at work" comments mate...some of us are unemployed layabouts! To be fair it couldnt come at a better time! Summer! Went for a bike ride with my 5 year old today.....been meaning to do that for ages.....if this is what being workshy is all about then i might commit.

  33. scholesy - and the promos which feature the only 3 funny bits in the whole film, hinting at non-stop hilarity piss me right off

    btw my ambition is to retire

  34. gaz - yuo aint seen me, right?

  35. yes bloggy i agree mate. There are films though that i have seen the trailer and thought that looks shite.......only to see the film years later and think its brilliant.

    I think the last one like that was either knocked up or superbad.

    Ahhhh superbad.....i looooove that film. Laughing so hard and tears rolling down my face.

    Yeah retiring would be very good. Im waiting for a bloke to come back to me about a job....which hopefully would start in september which would give me the summer hols with the kids.....fingers crossed!

  36. Woah. I'm a bit late to this masterpiece, look at all the coments you're getting, kewl man!So, this is already the 29th edition of the woes, or is it just a remake of the 21st? I cleary remember that you used words arranged in a way that was funny to read in that one too, in fact they've all been amusing and a great read. A-ha, I've just sussed it out, every new woe is a remake of the first, just with different words and subjects and stuff.

    SNH5, Kerblaaaam!!