Thursday, 3 June 2010


Easy now… welcome to the 9th installation of the Aldershot Woes, the incoherent mind doodlings of a mad man served to you wrapped up in a tortilla of grammatical errors with a side salad of bastardized English and seasoned with just a hint of brain thumping ignorance… in short, a load of old cack.

Last week we looked at the decline of the world, and it got a great response. People were genuinely scared to go outside, on Saturday during the rain I noticed the streets were a lot emptier than usual… I put this down to the warning in my blog. This week though we are going to do something different, I don’t know what yet though, I usually just start writing and something comes to me by the third paragraph.

Errr, so then, the erm… ah… this is a little embarrassing… anyone see the footy? Oh, no Robbo does that doesn’t he… how about that government ay, the coalition showing cracks (not a pun about the gay fella) and what about the err the economy… ……….. yeah…..AHA! I got something… Today exclusively in the Aldershot Woes we put on our comfiest walking shoes and meander carefully through the exciting world of Tomorrow.

Science? Whoever invented science is an absolute pickled arsehole, what good has it ever done to anyone anywhere ever in the history of the entire world? I’ll tell you what good it’s done… none, its done no bloody good what so ever. Science prances round giving it the big I am, when the truth is it’s the little I aint… Oh yeah, Science may have made TV and computer boxes and heated our houses and flushed away our doodies and made us instant cappuccino powder, and given us mobile phones and mobile phone accessories and I-pods and J-pegs and T-strainers, it may have created prosthetic limbs and helped the deaf hear and the blind to see, it has created vaccines and saved the lives of countless billions of people, its cleaned water and given us cheese string and footballs rounder than we dared to have ever imagined, but what has it done for us lately??? Well a bloody lot actually and it continues to do so… Science is brill…

I have been lucky enough to see what Science has for us in the future and quite frankly it’s amazing, its so amazing my head exploded looking at it all, but luckily in the future there is a machine that puts heads back together again if they have exploded looking at the marvels of the future… To be honest so much is great in the future I have decide to break in down to the 5 key areas of modern life and shown the key advancements in those areas, if I were to divulge all the greatness science has lined up for us, we all be here reading in wonder for the next thousand years, which we will live long enough to do thanks to science!

In the future after the great coalition wars of the early 21st century Science will step in and save our bacon (or a more kosher analogy). Science with its brilliance realized the great problem with politics… politicians. So in the future Mac Scientists will step in and replace all politicians with I-pods. The I-pods are then loaded with a series of political dilemmas and choices for each dilemma. When an event transpires that requires government intervention the appropriate Album (dilemma) is selected and the I-pod is set to shuffle. Which ever outcome has the majority of plays, that is the direction chosen.
Want to lead the country? There’s an app for that… want to illegally claim a second home on expenses? There’s an app for that to.

Science being the great bloody bloke that he is has solved another great problem of ours, education. In the late 21st century class sizes are at an all time high, the average class holding about 200 pupils so science had to step in and slap it down. First of all science took all the teachers and fired them, then science went down to the local Mac shop and bought about 8 million I-pods. Each I-pod is filled with Science, Maths and English, the ability to bully people and to play football with a tennis ball. It’s a complete in-ear educational solution.
Want a generation of children to know their arse’s from their elbows? There’s an app for that. Want 14 weeks of holiday a year? There’s an App for that too…

Science and society go hand in hand like a gay couple in a soap opera, it’s a bit creepy but you have followed the story and you want them to be happy together. However it’s a turbulent relationship at best, society gets bored, science gives it a video game, society kills some one and blames sciences video game for it, science responds by inventing tamagotchis. It’s a vicious cycle of cylindrical viciousness. But Science has been the bigger man and got it sorted. In the world of tomorrow, the entire world will be digitalized and loaded on to giant I-pods. Now when society wants to do something it does it digitally inside a massive I-pod. This way no one really suffers, except for when people indulge in digitized society on the bus in the morning and everyone living the non digitized life has to put up with the tssst tssssst tsssst from there cocking I-pod.
Want a peaceful, tranquil existence where people are free to express themselves without endangering the lives of others? There’s an app for that. Want to be pregnant at 14? There’s an app for that too.

Science and sport go together like a darts player and a quantum physicist, one is a genius with a calculating mind seeking to better the world around him by his actions and dedication, the other does something to do with maths. But just because science throws like a girl and doesn’t understand the off-side rule it doesn’t mean he can’t improve upon the world of sport. One thing is wrong with sport, referees… they are a shower of shite from a cloud of vaginal discharge and queefs. But science in the future sorts it out big time, and the end result is a manly high five and a pint. In the future all referees are replaced by I-pods, as it was decided by science that one “I” is better than none.
Replays and goal line technology in football? There’s an app for that. A dodgy Russian linesman who gives a goal where maybe he wasn’t 100% sure it was a goal? We’ve got an app for that too.

Food… the greatest thing science has ever done, (see the case of sliced bread in 1623 for proof). Science has given us all manner of greatness through its culinary calculations, it is the true meeting point of practicality, human endeavor and dedication. With out science in food we would have bland tastes and no microwavable meals or pot based noodle snacks. It would be a sad world. And in the future Science and Food come together to form the pinnacle of human existence… the Pi-Pod, a programmable science pie capable of delivering any taste at any time at the push of a button. Imagine it, you get a brushed aluminum pie case with a sleek full colour screen, you select your crust, you download your flavors and then you get hit with a Terabyte of full fat free flavor… It’s the shit yo!
Instant satis-pie-cation from your food? There’s an app for that. There’s an app for just about anything…

So then, that’s the future and I-pods rule everything, god bless them… there is an app for absolutely everything even writing half assed blogs, although I would suggest a machine could never replicate the inane cack I write convincingly. So to summarize the last 2 blogs, yesterday was great, today is horrible, but its looking better tomorrow.

Ok then, that was the 9th Woe and it was a series of not very funny I-pod jokes, some were abysmal if I am honest other were merely shite and a couple were just about passable for Jimmy Carrs back up material. I like to mix things up. However as some of you are aware the Mrs is bloody close to giving birth, so my mind aint been at its funniest or most relaxed. If I am about tomorrow I’ll do another, if not I’ll be away for a couple of weeks with no guarantee of bloging or posting on blogs...

You cant follow me on twitter, poke me on facebook, add me on myspace or do what ever the fuck it is you do on bebo to me.



  1. Another dose of greatness from the A-shot resident motivational speaker...

    Bravo mec.. fully deserved. I feel fully vitalised and ready to face the least for another few days until the sun stops shining...

    This comment was brought to you by B. Docious, in conjunction with Ipod's newest brap-app...

  2. What is this ludicracy??? I was expecting a nice report a la BBC News South, but what a load of old drivel...

    Funny though..

  3. Is there an app for cutting Simon Whitlock's hair?

  4. RBA, thanks for that glimpse into tomorrow's world. I remember when Tomorrow's World the TV show did a thing telling us how there'd be colour televisions in the future and we scoffed incredulous!

    I'd like to place an advance order for the pie app. And do they have a lost ipod app in the future? And I had a bad experience at a Vaginal Discharge concert once so I'm all in favour of replacing referees with ipods.

    Good luck. Can we expect that the next birthing will be live on a podcast?

  5. Trott.....its already sorted. RBA is broadcasting to the world.......well us lot....and Robbo is going to be doing some improv.

    I liked the second Vaginal Discharge album, it was a homage to John Terry.

  6. STGP, have you ever seen Vaginal Discharge live? I had a front row seat, worst thing ever, my neck was soo fucking stiff the next day.

  7. Easy fellas... thanks for reading and as ever.... sorry.

    Vaginal Discharge were great in thier early days but they sold out big time by the third album... i prefer bands like weeping minge, they keep it real!

    Jacks, in the future simon whitlocks hair is fused with an i-pod, creating the i-mullet... god have mercy on us all when the brushed aluminium fury of that mullet rains down upon us...

    Brigga... thanks for reading!

    As for the birth being streamed i dont think i will but i do belive there is an app for that...

  8. yes mate the accoustics were awesome but i got wet through....i was in row 1 as well.

  9. RBA, very true they did sell out....i was given the box set for christmas.

  10. Fucking briliant as usual geezer.
    Give me a S
    Give me a N
    Give me a H
    Give me a 5


  11. Can't wait 'till there's an iPod Noodle, just add water and enjoy.

  12. please, just one request, let's not talk about ipod noodles and vaginal discharge in the same sentence.

  13. Pot Noodles new flavour;

    Queef and Onion.

    Sorry Trott.

  14. you're a sick man, RBA... woefully sick.

    but quite funny as a master of the absurd... there was a comedy troupe in the states called, well, The State - if you weren't in fact part of them, i'm sure you'd be a fan!

    and best wishes with the birth - i'm constantly looking at my watch, then my wife's belly, then my watch again, and so on....;)

  15. woe ah Denis, is your lass about to drop as well?

    Congratulations! We knew you had it in ya.

  16. thanks yous lot... den man good luck with the baby... (your first?) Hman, Queef and Onion.... genius! SNHmotherfucking5...

    OK who actually wants to form a band called VAginal Discharge? i can play guitar or keyboard or do the cuts... any drummers/bass players etc???

    lets do this!

  17. I can throw slops over the first 4 rows and play triangle.