Friday, 4 June 2010


Oi, you! What are you looking at?... Well if it’s a computer screen filled with the nonsensical brain drippings of a chav town scumbag, then it’s probably episode 10 of the Aldershot Woes… Welcome.

In the last few Woes we have looked at stuff and discussed it, that’s how the blog works, and today’s Woe is no different, why would it be, it wouldn’t would it, it’d be silly to even suggest it, just plain silly. So with out further ado we slip in to a pair of comfortable sandals and stroke our goatees in a self satisfied manner as we plod through the assault course of treachery known as the Environment…

The environment, its everywhere, under your feet, behind the telly, inside boxes, in garages, in Belgium even in late 19th century Victorian structures… it is everywhere. And it’s mad as hell at you and me! Why? You ask… you arrogant piece of work! I’ll tell you why, because were doing it up the wrong’en with our selfish ways. And now the Environment is going all Charles Bronson in Deathwish and we are in for it big time…

So what are we doing wrong?:
You name it squire… the seas were once a haven for all aquatic animals, I remember a time where you could barely kick up a breast stroke in the deep blue with out disturbing great hordes of Cod… they was every where! Now though thanks to intensive farming, and fat children there are only 3 cod left in the world, one lady cod and 2 bloke cods… and wouldn’t you Adam and Eve it, the fella fish are as gay as snakes! Now there are no cod and I’m having to make do with plaice from the chippy, both me and the environment are pretty effed off on this one. But it aint just the Cod that suffered at the chubby hands of our fat kids, oh no… Whales, back in 1975 a scientist by the name of Ludwig Von Vondervonvonvon did a study and that showed their were more whales in the ocean than their were people in Japan… well old Japan saw that as a challenge, and rained down a furious war against the whales, that left Moby well and truly dicked! Poor bastards. Another crimson factor in the tidal terrors is blinking Hollywood making CGI kiddies films instead of real life fish films. There was a time where a fish could get a cushy acting job, but long gone are those days, and now kids only wanna see 3D anime fish, so all the aquariums have closed, there was a day where fish could get a cushy little life in an aquarium, not any more though… Nemo you prick!
But aint just the seas that have been pillaged by mans bare-faced greed, it’s happened on land as well… The rain forest, once a place for long since forgotten tribes to welcome Bruce Parry with open arms, or for the lost children of aristocracy to be raised by apes, but now it’s a much sadder story. Every day an area 3 times the size of Romford is cut down… and what for? You ask with a shock to your voice? To make toothpicks for the royal family and to make sharp wooden tools for, ironically, the cutting down of more trees… And it aint just the trees who are suffering, intensive farming in distant lands may help us fill up our trolleys at Tesco’s with exotic goodies to impress our friends and recreate recipes we have seen on Come Dine With Me, but it comes at a price… and a price for which you get no Club Card points! Every year dozens of acres of land are set aside for intensive farming purposes, the land is sodomised and punched in the face by industry the result is hundreds of breeds of animal facing extinction at hands of our shopping requirements. The great green tiger rat of Outer Mongolia, the Whoopedy whoopedy bird of Peru, the long toothed short mouthed river snake of Banghu Bhangu, the Thunder Cats, all perilously close to never being seen by human eyes again.
But as well as see and land there are also big icy bits which are kind of a mix of sea and land which face dilemma and loss at the big fat greedy hands of stupid man. The Polar ice caps, once proudly used as a pointless place for rich people to “adventure” to in their gap years. Now a melting misery of mans mean spiritedness. In 1966 the polar ice caps were bigger than the Beatles were at the time now they are about as big as a Jedward tribute band, or to put in simpler terms you could fit the polar ice caps in to a washing machine with room to spare.
As well as land and sea and ice our air is also suffering daily at the whim of mans cruelty… pollution, the silent killer that is sometimes heard. Factories litter 70 percent of the earths surface, especially in China where 45 new factories would have opened in the time it takes you to read this Woe. A chilling and wholly fictitious statistic, but it proves a point… if the air you and your loved ones are breathing right now was to be analyzed you would be shocked. Now I’m no scientist, I don’t have facts or figures or a fancy edumacation, but I can assure you that our air is poisoned, and if you want to live a second longer I suggest you stop breathing it immediately!
Our world is ravaged by greed and selfishness, it is a sorry miserable desolate ball of despair spinning through the cosmos on the road to oblivion. The end is nearly nigh.

So what’s gonna happen if we don’t change?
I’ll tell you what’s gonna happen shall I, oh yeah I’ll tell you, here it comes both barrels… If we don’t change the environment will make us pay, the seas we have ravaged shall rise up and swallow cities whole. Oh yeah at first it will be the tacky sea side towns, and no one will be too bothered but sooner or later it will be a place people do like. The remaining fish that aren’t gay will turn on us and sink our fishing vessels and as our towns flood they will wreak vengeance upon us and have our women. The jungles we have decimated will stir its animal inhabitants to turn on man and screaming monkeys shall pull out our eyes and reset our games consoles after we have progressed loads but not saved for ages. The vast areas we have cut down for our cows to graze shall comeback to torment us as the dead cows we eat in our burgers become ghosts in our bellies. The Ice caps shall make a comeback even more glorious than John Travoltas re-emergence after Pulp Fiction in the 90s, and will be twice as baffling. Great sheets of ice and snow will cover the land, which will be fun at first but the roads will be a nightmare. Then the air shall take its turn at the revenge it has waited long for and heat up the earth and melt the ice and wash away the great sins of man. All will be gone, all will be lost, all will be forgotten… all will be pretty shit.

Yeah but what can we do to avoid it?:
It simple stop everything, as everything that man does kills the environment even typing this blog I used in electricity the equivalent of 9 dead whales. Just sit still, don’t buy or eat anything (even organic) and give your dying body to the soil and return what you have stolen back to the land. Otherwise I think we will all be doomed… or at least our kids kids kids kids kids will be…

If the above has effected you, and I’m sure it has you can donate money to your local landlord in exchange for alcohol. It doesn’t help, but it doesn’t hurt.

Well…. Sounds to me like we’re all pretty much fucked, suppose we’ve had it coming for a while now, cant argue with it. And with that solemn note we ring out the 10th edition of the Aldershot Woes. As ever I’m sorry if you actually read all that, but like me you probably just skimmed through looking for the swear words. Adios mi amigos…

You can’t follow me on twitter, as I am a master of disguise…



  1. Greenpeace and Climate Change lobbies will be using this in theri campaign literature next.

    Look even people of Aldershot are worried about global warming. EVeryone else however (apart from strangely Phil McNumpty) is worried about this

  2. And this

  3. This is brilliant. We're all fucked except the almost extinct animals as they've all been cloned along with the dinosaurs and woolly mammoths and cod and the last human on earth has to release the clones and repopulate the earth without us. The humans aren't cloned because that's illegal and we don't like needles.

    The rain forests are cut down to graze cows that go into McDonalds burgers that kill the population slowly while they sit in a window seat getting fatter watching the fucked up weather, Mother Nature is a genius.

  4. Mother Nature... Mother fucker more like!

    Cheers Trotts man...

    Adam... that link above doesn't work!

  5. it just take me to your blog!

    (actually i really enjoyed it man! as i said... well done that man)

  6. Fuck the World.. fuck the planet.. fuck the environment...

    And im a dude that takes time to recycle properly.. this is madness.. we do so much to help, and Mother N still cant make it sunny for 4 days a row in this bitch of a country???

    Why, I ask... why???

    How come those in the "3rd World" and "developing countries" seem to have such great weather and tans, and here we are... suffering from a lack of melatonin (or some other pigmenting chemical..)...

    CANT WAIT FOR THE NEXT EDITION... and thats even better considering I have only been to A-shot once, and all be it, that was by mistake...

  7. i slept with mother nature once....she was a milf at the time, but now she has let herself go..........bitch.

  8. Great blog RBA.....i laughed and cried all the way through. It reminded me of my weekly wank. I normally finish with a cry. Thats tradition for you.

  9. Cheers Scholsey man... i too cried through out writing it... All for tradition, but one week... thats not fair! lol.

    Brigga, you have been to ashot more than once, i can think of three or four occasions at least, and you loved it! hahaha...

  10. Well i watch Songs of Praise while im doing it so its kinda linked. The checkout girl at Lidl did say that i could try recording it and having more, but like i say its all about tradition.

    God bless Britain.

  11. I know it's a cliche but I always check out the check out girls, annoys the piss out of me though when she's asking me to make environmentally conscious decisions when all I wanna do is see her tits...paper or plastic, paper or plastic, paper or fuckin' plastic.

  12. Your check out girls have tits made of paper or plastic? Shit...Ours just have a terrible brummie accent and a shite attitude, unless they're the the saturday 6th formers..wahaay

  13. All check out girls have a shite attitude, and together with all this new fangle wierdy food stuff in the aupermarkets, a place to be avoided

    oh and BTW
    RBA brilliant as ever(so was the prev- too late to comment.)

  14. fat kids ate most of the polar icecaps in the form of ice cream and the royal family has put the rest into its gin an tonic.

    the solution is so simple i cant believe you didnt mentin it, rba. the rising tides are due to over- fishing of the sponge fisheries. if we can clone the humble sppnge, maybe add a spark of artificial intelligence and send the legions of brainy sponges marching back into the oceans - holand is saved. otherwisr te Dungheap will need to be on stilts like a circus clown, marching the north sea in search of non-drowned customers. only this way willthose tirsty sponges be saved from cirrohsis this only sounds bit thick to you because youre thinking od spongebob squre pants.

  15. Good stuff Bruddah RBA, Enviroment friendly SNH5 (you can recycle it and use it next week)

    Thanx for saving me Bloggy although a bar on stilts would be brilliant. But damn you 'cos I was indeed thinking of Sponge Bob!!!

  16. i'm always thinking of spongebob...

    cheers fellas...