Oi, you! What are you looking at?... Well if it’s a computer screen filled with the nonsensical brain drippings of a chav town scumbag, then it’s probably episode 10 of the Aldershot Woes… Welcome.
In the last few Woes we have looked at stuff and discussed it, that’s how the blog works, and today’s Woe is no different, why would it be, it wouldn’t would it, it’d be silly to even suggest it, just plain silly. So with out further ado we slip in to a pair of comfortable sandals and stroke our goatees in a self satisfied manner as we plod through the assault course of treachery known as the Environment…
The environment, its everywhere, under your feet, behind the telly, inside boxes, in garages, in Belgium even in late 19th century Victorian structures… it is everywhere. And it’s mad as hell at you and me! Why? You ask… you arrogant piece of work! I’ll tell you why, because were doing it up the wrong’en with our selfish ways. And now the Environment is going all Charles Bronson in Deathwish and we are in for it big time…
So what are we doing wrong?:
You name it squire… the seas were once a haven for all aquatic animals, I remember a time where you could barely kick up a breast stroke in the deep blue with out disturbing great hordes of Cod… they was every where! Now though thanks to intensive farming, and fat children there are only 3 cod left in the world, one lady cod and 2 bloke cods… and wouldn’t you Adam and Eve it, the fella fish are as gay as snakes! Now there are no cod and I’m having to make do with plaice from the chippy, both me and the environment are pretty effed off on this one. But it aint just the Cod that suffered at the chubby hands of our fat kids, oh no… Whales, back in 1975 a scientist by the name of Ludwig Von Vondervonvonvon did a study and that showed their were more whales in the ocean than their were people in Japan… well old Japan saw that as a challenge, and rained down a furious war against the whales, that left Moby well and truly dicked! Poor bastards. Another crimson factor in the tidal terrors is blinking Hollywood making CGI kiddies films instead of real life fish films. There was a time where a fish could get a cushy acting job, but long gone are those days, and now kids only wanna see 3D anime fish, so all the aquariums have closed, there was a day where fish could get a cushy little life in an aquarium, not any more though… Nemo you prick!
But aint just the seas that have been pillaged by mans bare-faced greed, it’s happened on land as well… The rain forest, once a place for long since forgotten tribes to welcome Bruce Parry with open arms, or for the lost children of aristocracy to be raised by apes, but now it’s a much sadder story. Every day an area 3 times the size of Romford is cut down… and what for? You ask with a shock to your voice? To make toothpicks for the royal family and to make sharp wooden tools for, ironically, the cutting down of more trees… And it aint just the trees who are suffering, intensive farming in distant lands may help us fill up our trolleys at Tesco’s with exotic goodies to impress our friends and recreate recipes we have seen on Come Dine With Me, but it comes at a price… and a price for which you get no Club Card points! Every year dozens of acres of land are set aside for intensive farming purposes, the land is sodomised and punched in the face by industry the result is hundreds of breeds of animal facing extinction at hands of our shopping requirements. The great green tiger rat of Outer Mongolia, the Whoopedy whoopedy bird of Peru, the long toothed short mouthed river snake of Banghu Bhangu, the Thunder Cats, all perilously close to never being seen by human eyes again.
But as well as see and land there are also big icy bits which are kind of a mix of sea and land which face dilemma and loss at the big fat greedy hands of stupid man. The Polar ice caps, once proudly used as a pointless place for rich people to “adventure” to in their gap years. Now a melting misery of mans mean spiritedness. In 1966 the polar ice caps were bigger than the Beatles were at the time now they are about as big as a Jedward tribute band, or to put in simpler terms you could fit the polar ice caps in to a washing machine with room to spare.
As well as land and sea and ice our air is also suffering daily at the whim of mans cruelty… pollution, the silent killer that is sometimes heard. Factories litter 70 percent of the earths surface, especially in China where 45 new factories would have opened in the time it takes you to read this Woe. A chilling and wholly fictitious statistic, but it proves a point… if the air you and your loved ones are breathing right now was to be analyzed you would be shocked. Now I’m no scientist, I don’t have facts or figures or a fancy edumacation, but I can assure you that our air is poisoned, and if you want to live a second longer I suggest you stop breathing it immediately!
Our world is ravaged by greed and selfishness, it is a sorry miserable desolate ball of despair spinning through the cosmos on the road to oblivion. The end is nearly nigh.
So what’s gonna happen if we don’t change?
I’ll tell you what’s gonna happen shall I, oh yeah I’ll tell you, here it comes both barrels… If we don’t change the environment will make us pay, the seas we have ravaged shall rise up and swallow cities whole. Oh yeah at first it will be the tacky sea side towns, and no one will be too bothered but sooner or later it will be a place people do like. The remaining fish that aren’t gay will turn on us and sink our fishing vessels and as our towns flood they will wreak vengeance upon us and have our women. The jungles we have decimated will stir its animal inhabitants to turn on man and screaming monkeys shall pull out our eyes and reset our games consoles after we have progressed loads but not saved for ages. The vast areas we have cut down for our cows to graze shall comeback to torment us as the dead cows we eat in our burgers become ghosts in our bellies. The Ice caps shall make a comeback even more glorious than John Travoltas re-emergence after Pulp Fiction in the 90s, and will be twice as baffling. Great sheets of ice and snow will cover the land, which will be fun at first but the roads will be a nightmare. Then the air shall take its turn at the revenge it has waited long for and heat up the earth and melt the ice and wash away the great sins of man. All will be gone, all will be lost, all will be forgotten… all will be pretty shit.
Yeah but what can we do to avoid it?:
It simple stop everything, as everything that man does kills the environment even typing this blog I used in electricity the equivalent of 9 dead whales. Just sit still, don’t buy or eat anything (even organic) and give your dying body to the soil and return what you have stolen back to the land. Otherwise I think we will all be doomed… or at least our kids kids kids kids kids will be…
If the above has effected you, and I’m sure it has you can donate money to your local landlord in exchange for alcohol. It doesn’t help, but it doesn’t hurt.
Well…. Sounds to me like we’re all pretty much fucked, suppose we’ve had it coming for a while now, cant argue with it. And with that solemn note we ring out the 10th edition of the Aldershot Woes. As ever I’m sorry if you actually read all that, but like me you probably just skimmed through looking for the swear words. Adios mi amigos…
You can’t follow me on twitter, as I am a master of disguise…