In 1992, a crack smoking commando was sent to prison by a magistrate court for a crime he didn't commit. This fella promptly escaped from a maximum security stockade to the Aldershot underground. Today, still wanted by the government, he survives as a peddler of bullshit. If you have a problem, if you require a pointless diatribe littered with the sort of grammatical mistakes a 4 year old with ADHD would make, if no one else can help, and if you can find him, maybe you can hire... The Aldershot Woes.
Welcome once more. Recent Woes have been far too negative, concentrating on world issues and social injustices, rather than painting on a happy face and getting on with it like a battered housewife who appreciates the importance of keeping up a good appearance for the benefit of her Stella drinking shitbag boyfriend or husband. Well today on the Aldershot woes, we cake our bruises in make up, put on our largest sun glasses and smile nervously at real heroes of the world.
Hero, a word bandied about all too easily in today’s world, and if we carry on using it with such abandonment it could soon lose all meaning and then we’d have no heroes at all. For example, some people call soldiers heroes… well they’re not they are soldiers, they are doing a job they are no more heroic than postmen (actually given the state of my estate I’d say posties are a little braver). Ok I’ll concede that it is possible for a soldier to be heroic, if he kills Hitler or something but the way it gets thrown around for every Colonel Tim, Sergeant Dick and Price Harry it’s just going too far. Help for Heroes? These are merely people injured in the workplace, isn’t this what we all pay NI for? It’s just getting very silly now if I were to sprain my wrist writing emails (yeah… emails) would you get people calling me a hero and running marathons to raise money to send me and the family to Disney World for a fortnight? I very much doubt it. Look we all appreciate the work soldiers do, securing the safety of the pockets of the world’s richest people and making sure we look cool in front of the Americans, but heroes? I am not so sure.
Another group of people wrongly labeled with the hero tag for doing their job are doctors. Ok we all get poorly every now and again and the old quack comes in very useful but is he a hero or is he doing a job he gets paid handsomely for? My thoughts sway towards the latter you may argue that a doctor saves lives and works long hours, but who doesn’t??? Take the humble milkman, up at the crack of dawn delivery precious cow juice to ensure the youth of the world have strong bones, you ever hear anyone call a milkman a hero? Of course not and if you did you would think that the person what said it was well wrong in the old brain tank. And its not only doctors who receive these over blown praises, its also nurses… well that is just wrong, if you are a lady you basically have three proper career options (4 on my estate but we’ll leave that for another blog ay) you can be a House Wife, a Receptionist or lastly a Nurse. And these women are called heroes for doing what comes as natural instinct, looking after poorly men folk and making a fuss of sick kiddies. Its good honest lady work and everyone appreciates it but are they really heroes for doing something which comes as natural to a lady as shopping or getting giddy over fluffy kittens? Again I fear the answer is no. These people are appreciated and a valid and loved part of society, and one we could undoubtedly not do with out but are they heroes or merely just people doing a good job. I mean if Doctors and Soldiers are heroes then who next. Teachers, Politicians, Social Activists, Policemen, Firefighters, Carers, Fund Raisers, Dentists, Lollypop Ladies, Economists, Thrift Shop Volunteers, Vets, Builders, Fisherman, Journalists, TV Presenters, Big Issue Sellers??? I mean whatever next drug dealers and estate agents??? It’s completely out of hand, and we run a very serious risk of everyone being a hero and living in a world similar to the Bicycle Repair Man sketch from Monty Python, which sounds all well and good but then how long till we’re all crushed by a giant cartoon foot?
But are there any real heroes in the world today? Of course and they are a rare and special breed of people. People who push boundaries and challenge the way we think and stuff, real heroes who make real achievements and real change to the world. And to celebrate these real heroes, every four years a big hero festival is held somewhere in the world and for 4 weeks these real heroes are celebrated for the fine heroic work they do. Of course I mean footballers. Some people, usually self hating neurotics, think that footballers aren’t real heroes and that they just get paid loads of money for playing a silly game. Well that kind of bile is just sick and twisted and these wrong people need to be locked in a cage and poked by angry midgets with sticks till they thinks proper! Of course footballers are heroes and they are paid accordingly, it’s only fair they get that much money, if you were a real hero wouldn’t you expect the same? Football players entertain the world and make everything better, it is a scientific fact that the world is happier when there is a football match going on somewhere. And the world is now fortunate enough to gaze upon the spectacle of the greatest show on earth, to see first hand the heroics of footy. Some, sick people, will argue that a doctor saving a life is far more heroic than anything any footballer has ever done… well you couldn’t be more wrong, even if you tried. Saving a life is good, but scoring a free kick in the dying seconds of extra time is better. And if you think that is flawed thinking in anyway ask yourself this. How many kids have pictures of football players on there walls? Pretty much all of them (except the fruity ones). Now, how many kids do you know who have pictures of doctors on there walls? None (except for maybe a couple of weird Goths). If ever you needed proof that is it. Another argument used, by truly bitter people, is that if footballers were really heroes wouldn’t they act better off the pitch? No, they wouldn’t, they act that way because they are better than us, and they are also safe in the knowledge that no matter what they do in real life they have the chance for redemption and forgiveness every time they play football. Take John Terry or Steven Gerard, I can honestly not think of two worse specimens of the human race, truly these two represent everything that is wrong with humanity and if they were normal non-heroes you would be happy to see them torn limb from limb by a horde of angry squirrels. But come a chance goal that wins England an important game, or maybe even the world cup, then all these two deplorable despicable dirty bastards have done is washed away in a sea of glory. Real Heroes once more…
So next time you see a one armed war veteran who lost his limb defending the freedoms of the world asking for “Help for Heroes”, you give him a copy of Match or Shoot magazine and show him what a real hero looks like. And next time you see a young doctor tired from working 50 hour weeks and stressed from NHS budget cuts and you hear some bleeding heart lefty call him a hero, punch them both in the face and make them carry around a life size cut out of Rio Ferdinand as a reminder or real heroism. And when that first whistle goes against the USA and the hero festival starts look at the way in which those brave bastards carry themselves and be proud. Be proud for Rio be proud for Terry be proud for Gerrard and Cole and Crouch… be proud for them all, especially for young Rooney, that mighty brave lion of a man who in all honesty would kick Superman’s arse right about now… Real Heroes one and all…
Well I hope that clears up some of the confusion surrounding what a hero is, of course its not just footballers who are heroes, there’s Phil Taylor and the Rocket as well, and sometimes the cricketers, if they beat the Aussies.
This brings to an end the 12th edition of the Aldershot Woes, and for the 12th one running it’s been a horrendous mix of ignorance and stupidity if you read this far down with out putting your head through the screen of your PC or I-phone you deserve a pat on the back and the rest of the day off to warm up for the World Cup.
You can’t follow me on twitter as I’m Amish and I believe your technology is an abomination of gods will.