Monday, 7 June 2010

Edumacation For The Messes

I bid thee readers a warm welcome, as once more it is time to wave your hands in the air and shake them like you just don’t care… Its Episode 11 of the Aldershot Woes, your bi or tri weekly glimpse inside the twisted mind of a retard…

In just over a month we have managed to spew nonsense on all manner of subjects and I like to feel the world is a slightly thicker place thanks to it. But regardless how hard I try to uneducate the masses (or the 6 or so people who read this shite) I am still met with academic sneers of disdain from those who think they are better than me just because they have clear cohesive thoughts and have never been kicked out of Iceland for putting there knob in a freezer (don’t judge me, this hot weathers a killer)… So today we straighten our ties, run a comb through our hair and wink suggestively at the world of education.

I like many people have little to no education, I was never fortunate enough to go to university so I don’t have a media degree. I was educated at state schools in crappy areas and after 11 years of cocking about all I had to show for my schooling was a set of GCSEs results that a brain damaged monkey could have achieved with arthritis in both hands and a blunt pencil… They weren’t good. However I carried on regardless, applied myself and worked hard and now I have a decent job, I enjoy reading and can do joined up handwriting and all my times tables up to the 7s. And when some Johnny Educated comes along giving it the big I AM and thinking he is better than someone just because he has an education it makes me want to kick him in his shins and batter him to death with the complete works of David Shakespeare… Who do they think they are, educated bastards, think they’re better than me do they???...

Well yes they do, and rightly so.

For a long time education was a privilege and one only bestowed upon rich people (that is one of the big differences between rich and poor, the rich have privileges and the poor have benefits). A rich person being richer and therefore better would know what to do with it. Why if you were to give a diploma or a degree to a poor person a hundred years ago they’d probably wipe there arse with it, or use it as a betting slip. But nowadays education is open to all, so in order to maintain the status quo good education is only on offer at a price… a very high price. This is very beneficial to the country, however some of you may be thinking it is a bad thing as it leads to classism and a two tier society, well it doesn’t and if you were educated properly you’d know why it doesn’t, I’m not educated properly so I can’t explain it to you, you’ll just have to take my word for it.
But here we are with bad education available for all, and that can’t be a bad thing, sure it would good if we all had good education available freely but lets be honest most of us are too thick to know what to do with it. So let’s be thankful for the bad education we receive freely and let our properly educated masters run things for us in the way they’ve forced us to become accustomed too, after all that’s what they have told us were happy with.

Education, education, education, said a politician with Alzheimer’s three times, and he was absolutely right of course. Education is a great tool, one that shapes and builds this great nation and has kept us where we are for the last 500 years… the fucking top. And though thanks to bleeding heart lefties everyone has to be educated even if they don’t want to be, things are still pretty much the same, but as the world has changed so has education. And thankfully as a result of this carefully planned change, everything is as it was before hand.

Lets start with the poor, there are two types of poor, ones happy to work to be poor and those who prefer to do nothing in order to be poor, the end result is much the same and education has its place for both. For those who wish to be poor with the minimum of effort you are free to go to school and do nothing, in many state run schools this is encouraged and often children are rewarded with extra holidays, or exclusions as they’re known. However if you are a poor person who wishes to work very hard to maintain your low social standing and income, education has it place for you also, along side those who wish to do nothing to keep up their poorness, in over crowded shoddy state run schools, where teachers are encouraged to keep you back based on your fathers earnings. This ensures the future will have people willing to do hard labour and undesirable jobs in order to be poor and those who will go on Jeremy Kyle and get paid by the government for their poorness. The systems already winning…

But hang on a ruddy minute, if daddies going to leave you a bank to run or a newspaper, you can’t just fill it with poor people… if only there were a group of people with a better social standing than the poor, but not as much money as the rich? They could be trained to do more important jobs and be paid enough to have aspirations of being rich themselves one day, but never enough to quite attain their dreams of richness… they’d have that thing that poor people lost in the dark ages, what is it… hope? Yeah what we need is group of people not quite at the top and not quite at the bottom… a middle class if you will?

Well as Jesus loves rich people, the middle classes were invented in the 1950s and have been aspiring to be rich but not quite making it ever since. And education has its way of making them too… Middle classes often come from state schools, but ones in nicer areas and rather than giving them a dead arm and telling them too get on with it as school does to poor kids, middle class kids get to go to college… in college they are taught the importance of aspiring to be richer and better and also to look down on poor people, as many of the poor shunned them when they picked football teams at school. After college the middle classes are allowed to go to a shit uni if they wish… this is encouraged and those that do attend get to do Media Degrees. Once the Media Degree is achieved after years of hard work the Middle Classes are free to join society, in a job where they earn enough to dream to be rich but never quite enough to make that dream come true.

Well that’s the shit dealt with, as if any of them matter, rich people are better at everything even footy, they just chose not to play it. They are happier, smarter, better looking, better smelling and better dressed, and education of course has its place for our superiors… Little is known of boarding schools outside of what is read in Harry Potter books and they are a fair assessment, these magical places teach the wealthy of Britain, nay the world, that they are better, and not because they do anything as most them will do little else than quaff Champaign in their whole lives, but because of who and what they are. That might sound silly to me or you… but that is simply because we don’t understand anything, were basically dirty little cavemen compared to these rich goliaths, and who the hell do we think we are even daring to question a system that has worked for so long… and we know its worked because they told us so. To the cynical eye it may appear as if the entire structure is designed and maintained to keep people in their place just to ensure that the rich stay rich and the rest of us make do. Well, I pity your poisoned heart and twisted views… could you really imagine a world where the ultra rich weren’t automatically placed in to lucrative jobs or given money to run half assed design houses and west London boutiques? I can and its hell… So let me take this moment to thank education for forming the structure of this great world and keeping it in the fine shape it’s in right now. If you can think of a better way to run it then you are probably on drugs or a communist, or both…

Ok then, Education… that certainly taught me a lesson! But enough of my mirth and merriment, a serious underlying message is hidden amongst this latest woe, though seemingly disguised as the crack induced ramblings of an Eton Junky, it is in fact a clever parody flipping education on its head and giving it a wedgie… so here’s a last thought to leave you with next time you think of spitting on an uneducated person.

In life it is not the way you say something, but what you say that is really impotent.

You can’t follow me on twitter, as I don’t go on it, I have started my own social networking site and you’re not invited, no one is!



  1. I would love to write a comment, but for some reason, it linked to a central database, and informed me that there are insufficient funds in my bank account, and therefore insufficient brain cells to write anything on such a profound topic...

    Fuck it, on to the 4th can of White Lightning this hour then...

  2. This is brilliant RBA, it should be required reading at every educational institution in the land.

    There's something very deep going on here and it goes back to Buddhism which one woman I read (don't know if she had any education) theorized was invented/created to keep the masses in check, to fill them with acceptance of the crappy state of things and remove their overly hopeful, wishful thinking that their lot might ever change. Sort of, the "we're going to shit on you from a great height and you'll learn to be ok with it" philosophy.

    Highly ponderable indeed!

  3. Cheers trotts, your sure it wasn't that hot dog vendor just trying to make you one with everything again??? lol...

    Thanks again mr docious, your comments are always welcome here, i raise a 3 litre bottle of white lightning to you!

  4. Thanx for schooling us on education mate, I was always brought up to believe you can't miss something that you never had. (Xmas sucks when you're a poor kid)

    Keep them Woes comming bruddah. Recycled (as per Woe 10)SNH5.

  5. Education is becoming more for the rich. We middle class people are burdened with loans to get better quality education.

  6. Secondly, the graduation degree is considered to be the most prized thing at work places. Even though a graduate and a diploma holder have the same job description/profile they get paid differently.

  7. RBA, i love your blogs mate.

    Im printing out Woe 11 (im that fucking hi-tech) and i will be handing it to my 4 year old and asking him to propose that his teachers include it in the reception class curriculum.

    My family were in to keeping up with the joneses. In fact our neighbours really were the joneses. We used to look at them with their front door and single glazed windows and front gate which was fixed to both top and bottom hinges (smug wankers).

    Edumacation sorted it out for me. I learnt at School that with the right trajectory and force (slow down brainiac i hear you say)..i could break their windows with half a brick. Mum and Dad were so proud.

  8. RBA, exactly, since TommyB brought up the whole Hot Dog thing I've been doing in depth research on Buddhism, budgie breeding, dog racing, footy and all sorts of other stuff.

    In fact, I was reading one of the Dali Lama's books just a couple of weeks ago and while on the surface everything made perfect sense it dawned on me that it really doesn't and he's the one that's got it wrong, well, not wrong but he's the one that's more out of touch with my world than I am with his, why so you may ask. Well, I'll tell you why so... because it dawned on me after an afternoon of hormone inspired dispute with two teenagers that enlightenment and acceptance of everything would be much easier for me too if I lived in a chuffin' monastery with a bunch of monks doin' me cookin' and washin' me feet before bed and no women and no roads and telephones and computers and stuff. Our circumstances are just different (but mostly because the Dali Lama has never raised a 12 year old girl).

    I like my world and just by changing my perception of it, I can change my reality and yes, I have to accept some things BUT some I have to change and that's why we all have a responsibility and none bigger than to our kids! Any word yet?

  9. That is possibly the most subversive and original text on economics and social class since Marx's seminal Das Kapital. All power to the serviettes!!!

    Up the Shots

  10. i wouldnt no anything if it werent for telly

    i think enland has the goodest education system in thte wurld. but so wot?

    Vanuatu is officially the happiest place on earth according to UNESCO and thyre as thick as shit. guess which country is 2nd happiest? columbia! (seriously) haha wonder why

  11. trott - monks know best that true happiness lies in the sublation, not the satisfaction, of desire and i know thats true because Wallender just said it on telly

  12. of course, it's easy for Monks, pray, grow some veg, read, chant a bit, go to bed.

  13. the rich have privileges and the poor have benefits

    Nice one RBA - heartfelt as ever - and love the quote - and I wasnt aware the middle classes were invented in the 50s - so that explains why the working class became lazy bastards after the war - thats what we need a good old war I tell ya

  14. Blog - wow - you been reading Dalai Lama??? I read somewhere that desire is a BAD thing. That is a big thing to grasp (ooh er) - but its actually correct.

  15. Woah, cheers guys... i cant believe yous read it all... i didn't.

    Trotts thats deep man... i think i would respect the dalai llama more if her were an actual llama. If you met a religious leader called dave the chicken, you'd want him to be a chicken. Well if the llama can lie about what animal he is, who knows what else he's lying about... i heard the chinese already owned tibet anyways....

    Thanks for reading, thanks for the comments... much appreciated as always...

    DET... Local Boy? Good lad!

  16. This is indeed true. The only difficulty with this theory is what if the middle class go to a good university and yet still cannot get rich?

  17. wait - forgot some shameless self-promotion

    And by the way I am on Twitter