Salutations reader, please pull up a ergonomically designed Ikea style office chair, adjust the height and back and get your self comfy for the 15th nugget of Woe, which I am cleverly calling, Episode 15 of the Aldershot Woes…
Well the bloody World Cup is on and its football everywhere you can’t escape it, it’s on the telly non-stop its all anyone goes on about and quite frankly… I’m loving it. And if you’re not, you’re probably wrong in the thought tank and should be locked in a basement with a platoon of rabid, hungry foxes and have slices of wafer thin honey roast ham stapled to your chest, that’d sort you out, lucky for you though we need all the foxes we have for hunting and barking weirdly at night. Still though, their remains one thing that is a great sorter outer of men, and with the patriotic winds of glory bellowing around the nation as our brave lads boot up and prepare to do battle with the despicable cheating Hun, please join me as we hoist the St Georges high, get our boots as shiny as possible and march with regimental discipline through the glorious world of… War.
The year is 3000BC, a tired God has just created the known universe and fashioned man in his image and woman in his image as well but with tits and a minge, and no beard. The first steps of man are being carefully trodden, civilisation is emerging cautiously, and with the free will God has given man opinions start to differ in regards to the direction these new societies should take. These differences lead to the formation of different tribes and nations with different ideals and ideology, which over time leads to different looking people who act in different ways doing different things talking in different languages about things that are different. And as man knows instinctively, different is bad, different is a threat… different must be destroyed.
So with the birth of ignorance comes the dawn of hatred followed swiftly by the breakfast of war and the elevenses of loss, sorrow and pain but for one side a buffet lunch of glory awaits, for the other the hunger pains of defeat. What would have taken a lifetime in diplomacy can be achieved in a day of war. Nations grow in both size and ethos and as they grown they become stronger, infecting their neighbours with the disease of battle and converting its opposition with the influence of blood loss, and all thanks to war. For the simple cost of a bit of blood being spilled and a few “innocent” lives being lost… well that serves them right for standing up for their different beliefs and you can’t make an omelette without breaking a few eggs!
And that’s been pretty much how life has carried on since, now like me you have probably heard some people (usually unemployed dirty types) saying that war is bad, and some even go as far to say that it is an unnecessary act all together. Yeah, sure it is as long as you’re happy with dangerous unknown differences being everywhere posing a threat to your beloved sames??? Some people are really very silly. I can’t think of one bad thing about war, but I’d wager that your average 3 year old boy could tell you a thousand things that are great about it. These self hating naysayer’s will have you believe that through diplomacy and ethical fair treatment and appreciation for all life equally differences could exist in a Utopian like society and progress could be made by all of mankind and not at the expense of the loss of life.
Poppycock. And I’ll tell you why with a series of facts. Firstly diplomacy and reason don’t work, all they do is result in 2 unsatisfied parties, that is their very nature. Here’s an example: Nation A wants a pie, however nation B wants the same pie, with diplomacy and reason they would cut the pie in half and neither party has its full desires met. However with war, Nation B gets his face kicked off and Nation A has a big fat pie all to himself. Its win/win with war every time. “But what about the poor dead nation?” I hear you ask in a pitiful sneering tone, well they’re dead and dead people don’t want pies, have you ever heard a dead person ask for a pie? Of course not that’s very silly, and if you have get help, now!
Here’s the second big flaw in crazy hippy Utopia nonsense: Treat all human life equally. Well that is ridiculous, all life isn’t equal a lot of it is different, that’s why your going to war in the first place remember!
And lastly here’s why we wouldn’t progress with out the loss of lives. When there is no war people are lethargic and happy and stagnant. No one is getting their limbs torn off by bullets, so no one is inventing prosthetic limbs. No one requires faster stronger vehicles so engineers aren’t busy developing breakthrough technologies. No one needs armour plated robot suits with built in missiles, machine guns and a rocket pack, and it’s a good thing to, as no one is busy inventing it. No one is completely crushed by the heart wrenching and needless loss of young lives, so poets and artists aren’t creating great works to express their feelings. No one needs mind altering drugs to suppress feelings of guilt or to numb the misery of trench warfare, so chemists aren’t making any. Just about everything that is good about anything was developed solely for the purpose of war. Vehicles, homes, medical treatments, food, art, communication tools, recreational drugs, robot suits, you name it, all built for the war cause. With out war, we will not progress harmoniously to a state of Utopian bliss, we will simply exist quietly and grow stale and very dull.
So that’s why war is needed, to develop man, to speed up our progression, to grow nations and unite the brave many under the single mindedness of the scared few. But as we briefly touched earlier there is a far greater reason for war, one that today’s upside down, alcho-pop fuelled, hat backwards wearing society has forgotten… to sort the men from the boys.
War makes men and kills heroes, it teaches discipline and suffering and above all that life goes on. War doesn’t allow 5 minutes to reflect and have a sit down it is relentless and harrowing just like real life should be, as long as a war is going on. And the experiences you draw from it will stick with you forever as a stark reminder of life and death and sacrifice and what it means to be a man. The screams in your nightmares an eternal memorial to the horror of real life at its absolute worst and a reminder that unless you are part of the system, unless you turn in unison with the rest of the cogs unless you give yourself entirely to something that you don’t really understand it all could all go horribly wrong. And that is what it is to be a real man, to know that despite the childish wants of the subconscious mind you must carry on regardless keeping the machine of society running smoothly towards victory and for a cause you don’t really understand. War teaches these virtues better than anything else. Times were good when we had more war, as every kid got to an age and it was decided they’d go and shoot foreigners and come back men, now what do we have to sort the men from the boys? Nothing, they all just go through puberty, do A levels ponce off to uni to do a media degree and get jobs in call centres or IT departments. And that’s it, that’s modern man? Well it’s a great shower of shite if you ask me.
So in order to keep man progressing and selflessly offering his life for a cause he doesn’t really understand, I beseech you to be unreasonably aggressive in the face of anything slightly different and together we can make the world an angrier, sadder but more productive and purposeful place for us all.
Well then, that was war and I think we can all agree it was a battle reading it this far, purple hearts and silver crosses are in the mail for your valour and bravery. But lets keep our fighting spirit alive as we again prepare to face the enemies of old in the noble art of footy this Sunday and if between then and now you can give a Chinese burn to foreigner or at least make him feel needlessly uncomfortable in a social situation I am sure we stand a chance.
Of course after making such outwardly inflammatory and racist remarks I should post a reminder, just in case any one is easily led by semi retarded dribble posted on the internet and littered with grammatical errors and historical inaccuracies, that the above is written ironically. In reality nothing fills me with more joy than the thought of a world with out war, except for maybe a world with out wasps, evil little cunts aint they.
You can’t follow me on twitter but if you could you’d know that at half 7 this morning I had a very satisfying poo.