Friday, 28 May 2010

Reasons to be Woeful

Bonjour mon ami’s, I hope you are well? Welcome to the 8th episode of the Aldershot Woes, a brand new adventure in to the usual world of poor syntax child like spelling and retard grade grammar… The last Woe was an homage to the goliath of good humour Mr Derek Robson and was met with a positive response, that was until the smoggy bastard served me with court papers, him JK Rowling and the ghost of Charles Dickens have teamed up to sue me for everything I have got… which isn’t very much at all… On a positive note Phil McNulty has been in touch thanking me for putting him in such a positive light for once…

Anyway, on to the new Woe… You know a lot of people have been moaning about how back in the old days the world was nicer place. People were kinder and more emphatic to the human cause, kids were politer and would frequently hold doors open for seniors and help them across roads and bake them cakes and file their bunions for them. Animals never bit people, stinging nettles gave you a gentle massage, houses were made out of candy and everyone walked around singing in harmony, shaking hands and hugging… I for one have never embraced this myth about days of yore, and dismissed the idea that things were ever any better. I was wrong. Yesterday was brilliant and today is rubbish, and if you think any different then you’re on drugs… Today, exclusively in the Aldershot Woes, we put on our nicest trousers, spit on a poor person and have a look at the rapid decline of this and every other country in the god forsaken world… Unless I get stabbed in the face right now by hood wearing scallywags, which is bloody likely, let’s be honest…

Britain 1947, fresh from ridding the world of evil the good people of Britain give them selves a collective pat on the back, and settle down to a slice of cake and pot of tea. All is well again in the world and the values that so many laid their lives down to protect are intact and stronger than ever… For a while at least…
But then something happened across the world that has made today the bloody mess it is. A barrier was removed, this barrier was the supporting wall that kept the world standing up straight, it created natural order, gave people proper direction and put everyone exactly where they should be. Things were neat, and they were organised and everyone was happy… For a while at least…
However when the barrier was removed people began to get all sorts of silly ideas and ambitions and this is when the decay of decency began. For thousands of years the barrier stood, but once it was gone people who had never strived for anything other than a pie or a comfortable seat or to die for their masters began to get very silly ideas and opinions about the world. People who for generations were quite happy plodding along quietly developed a voice, a crass and dirty voice at that. And as this voice bellowed across the world revulsion grew in it reverberations, and decline ate in to this land like a vicious and hungry cancer. People wanted fair pay, equality, a decent standard of living and the right to have choices and make decisions for them selves… even though for hundreds of years people had been making decisions for them and they always seemed very happy with it. Before long industry was collapsing, the most famous case of this was the evil miners of Upnorth. This greedy band of land diggers wanted fair and decent pay just for hitting rocks with chisels and sticks, but the problem was that at the heart of these wicked people beat corruption. Miners were involved heavily in oraganised crime. They were the ones who introduced drugs to the world, they promoted prostitution, and gambling, and all manner of vile activity. Thankfully the heavens sent an angel to put an end to their villainy once and for all. A fiery haired goddess swept across the land and rid us of these monsters forever. For a moment the barrier was stable and there was peace and harmony… For a while at least…
However too much damage had been done to the barrier and though it tried to stay strong in 1993 the last part of this pillar was washed away amid a sea of deprivation… it was the end of decency, all that is now to come is sheer bloody terror.

So here we find ourselves today, 17 years since the barrier fell and the world could not be any worse, that is until tomorrow when it gets even worse than it is right now. As I type this there are several fist fights going on around me. On my way to work I saw a child of 6 smoking a bong whilst his mother was having sex with 3 men in an alley way, the boy asked if I was his father… I was so heart broken by this I could hardly bring myself to tell him to “f*ck off”, but I did, and for his own good too. Right now in every town in every country in the world, the streets are littered with broken glass and broken dreams, men beat their wives who beat their children who beat their friends who then go home and beat their parents. This vicious cycle spins daily. Everyone is on drugs, and if people can’t get drugs they roll up old people in large Rizlas and smoke them. Education has fallen so hard that most children can’t even speak properly, those that can speak become rappers and write songs about stabbing their mums and kicking guide dogs. The Media has become instrumental in the decline of the world and TV programmes are either sick reality shows where people are given respect for shagging the most people or fighting the most people or fighting the most people whilst shagging them or vice versa. Or they are so dumbed down if you watch them for too long you get brain damage. The most popular show on TV at the moment is “look at the shiny thing – with Andrew Marr” Where Andrew Marr looks at shiny things and says “oooh, shiny”. Health care is a joke if you have cancer and go to hospital you are given a plaster and by a nine year old foreign doctor who hasn’t slept since he was seven. And by the time you get see him again, he will be 21 and you will both be dead, you of cancer and him of tiredness. If you are going to get sick these days you better hope you die quickly, otherwise hospitals will kill you. Another reason it is wise to prey for quick death these days is that old people are terrorised by young people, if you are not lucky enough to be smoked in a giant Rizla, then you could be in for an even worse fate as the young of today think of deprived and demonic games to play with the grey generation. “Old Lady Conkers” is popular amongst younger kids, old ladies are literally strung up and swung at each other, till one shatters. Another torment that the elderly suffer on a daily basis is Nan-Fighting. Nans are starved and angered then when at their most angry dropped in to pits to fight other nans to the death… meanwhile the youth sit around and bet money and drugs on the outcome. The modern man of today is a complete shower of shite he is a drunken, fighting, bollocks of a creature. But in today’s broken world it is he who has become the fairer sex as women run amok… amok I tell you! I will bet you a thousand pounds that the next woman you see is drunk and fighting another woman whist having sex with a man and vomiting on her shoes. They are a complete shambles. Once upon a time a woman was a pretty and caring motherly creature that was delicate and fragile. But now they are bare fist fighters, who down vodka by the bottle load, and then pass out on the street in a puddle of there own, and other women’s, vomit. They pop out kids by the dozen never two with the same dad, or even the same colour. They all smoke cigars and crack are covered in tattoos and some have even started watching football and attempting to play it… The world is truly a broken place.
As I mentioned before if your view of Britain is any different to this then you are either on drugs or you are a bitter sick soul who believes that the day the barrier was removed was a good day and that we should never have even had a barrier in the first place. Or you are a simple liar…. All we can do is prey and moan about it…. We’re all fu*ked.

Oh my god…. That was a bit heavy wasn’t it but by using the word FACT, it makes the above FACTS very real. So we should all be scared for ourselves and our families… I have just put my family in metal security box, I’ll take them out once the world is saved…
Anyway that raps up the 8th woe, I hope you have enjoyed it but I suspect you were too high on drugs or busy fighting or too stupid to fully understand it… I certainly was. I hope you all have a good weekend…and good luck out there, you’ll need it.

You can’t follow me on twitter as I have been banned from using by the wife, apparently “21:32: Oh yes, she f*cking loves it, dirty cow” wasn’t a good thing to post… Sorry dear.



  1. ahhh, a delightful trip down memory lane (recently renamed Crack House Crescent). Those were the days!...but when did they come out with the large size rizlas? I missed that.

  2. I'm not sure if I'm alone in thinking this,but surely Aldershot isn't as good as that?

  3. Merci beaucoup guys... Ashot is much worse jacks... crack house cresent is on the good side of town...

    thanks for reading it guys... and you know, sorry.

  4. RBA, I start my day by putting the coffee on, letting the dog out for a shit and checking if you have a new blog. When you do, well, they're the best days of all!

  5. Trotts, cheers mate... blighty misses you!

  6. If you were doing the Mrs at 9.30 she is indeed a dirty cow! FFS were the kids even asleep?

    Anyway its amazing that that seems to be all I took from reading this work of genius.

    Probably more to to with my mind than your writing.

  7. I probably should remind people to read THIS while I'm here!

  8. RBA, excellent again mate. Loving your work....well not your professional disk duplicators know what i mean.

    The miners were all ABUs - which was the real reason maggie closed them down. She fucking hates Alan Green as well.

    I was in Aldershot today tracking down some eastern european drunken mums who were teaching their kids how to cage fight. You wouldnt have seen me because i was disguised as a 6 year old boy....i almost got found out until they saw the size of my penis and they let me off.

  9. TrotterUSA said...
    RBA, I start my day by putting the coffee on, letting the dog out for a shit and checking if you have a new blog. When you do, well, they're the best days of all!
    same here, trott! well nearly the same. i put the blog on the stove, had a shit in the garden and checked to see if i had a dog.

    i havent.

  10. Health care is a joke if you have cancer and go to hospital you are given a plaster and by a nine year old foreign doctor who hasn’t slept since he was seven. And by the time you get see him again, he will be 21 and you will both be dead, you of cancer and him of tiredness.

    you really should pack in the day job and do this writing business as a living somehow, rba, youve got talent to burn mate.

    pisses me off to see these talentless but well connected roundfaced oxbridge scum dominating the media with their turgid bullshit witless gound out painfully in a library prose. and they get well paid and at parties get free cocaine. lucky bastards.

  11. If you are going to get sick these days you better hope you die quickly, otherwise hospitals will kill you.

    Logical genius!!! RBA I salute you - like.

  12. Trott/Blog - I lolled - hang on I shit - nope - fed the Hamster!!!

  13. RBA, This sir is excellentstuff, I agree with Bloggy, you certainly have a gift for this mate.

    Looking forward to number 9 already.

    In awe SNH5, Kersheeewwww.

  14. RBA once again an excellent blog.
    Those were the days as the welsh warbler sang.

    Front doors were left unlocked with no thought that it could be dangerous, coal delivered by sacks, and in Rotherham,cups of sugar were borrowed, a young William Hague destined to be a future Foreign Minister was delivering pop to our house

    What memories, was it better?, No course it wasnt we only had a B&W tv and a toasting fork as an a aerial