Monday, 24 May 2010


Easynow… well if you have not melted in the sun but you have gone partially deranged due to sun-stroke I welcome you back to the 6th Woe, in what is fast becoming a cackfest, the likes of which has not been seen since Nick Griffin was allowed to be one of the contributors on the second series of Grumpy old Men… It really is shit.

With the arrival of this premature and slightly jaundice summer, the weekend has brought out some of natures greatest marvels… So this week we go all Bill Oddy on the Woes, as we take a look at the Estate in full bloom…

That’s right, its “Chav Watch”.

One of the greatest spectacles of modern society has been un-folding before my very eyes this weekend. I speak about the majestic emergence of the Junkie (scumus-shitirectum) from his dark and dank den to the green of open parks and to shade and amusement of children’s playgrounds. The Junkie (dirtus-cuntum) is by its very nature one the most timid creatures of the estate and during the colder months it is a rarity to see him in his full splendour during daylight hours. If you are lucky, you may see him scurrying over a garden fence to attempt a break-in, or maybe shifting back from the shops if he has run out of tabs or needs to pick up his giro…
But never are you allowed to fully delve in to his hovel and see him going about his every day business, (shivering, being sick and staring vaguely in to space)… But as the sun comes out and dances across the balconies of the flats and starts to warm the tarmac of the streets below, the Junkie (filthi-bastardous) cautiously joins him for a day of heat fuelled fun.

The Junkie (grubbi-fuckwitiki) thrives upon these sunny days as it enables him to store enough vitamin D in his depleted carcasses to keep him free from rickets for the coming year, but it is far more than just a means of survival that brings the Junkie (drainapon-societum) out today. First they find a suitable location for their outing, park benches are surprisingly left wanting as the Junkies (completus-wasticus) pass then up for the shade and support of a reliable tree. The first port of call before any crack or heroin is smoked is the off licence for a four pack of super strength lager, once the first can is drunk, work can begin on making the empty in to a pipe to smoke their precious, precious drugs through. It is after this has happened the Junkie (wotacunticus) settles in to enjoy his day in the sun… As the hours pass more Junkies (moralless-wankadium) arrive and soon a pack is established. Though it can be a daunting experience seeing a full huddle of Junkies (dirtriddle-leechicus) the experience is a true wonder to behold. Sitting in their circles passing around junk in a ritualistic manner, vomiting blood, laughing at breezes, often one or two of the females will be partaking in fellatio with the alpha fiends, and all without any sense of decency or recognition of their open surroundings… it is enough to bring a tear to the eye… and then as the day passes the sun baked warped minds of the Junkies tell them that trouble is coming, and with a military like precision they stumble back to their holes, leaving behind a trail of needles, blood, torn-up beer cans and excrement in their wake. Never to be seen again until late winter when he will poke his head out of his hovel, and as we all know if he casts a shadow their will be 2 weeks more of winter.

However the humble drug-fiends are not the only group affected by the sun, another set whom are out and about today with an unusual glint of merriment in their eyes are the alcoholics… Though this group of rum soaked wasters are seen far more often than the junkies (running-jokus) seeing the mischief and debauchery the heat brings out is still, for myself at least, just as magical… The rummies unlike the junkies tend to take residence in a ground-floor flat garden, given that their addiction is legal and encouraged they are free to set them selves up in their own abodes… Once a suitable base is established the drinking can start, and as every soak knows the hotter it is, the louder you must be in conversation… and hearing these narrow minded bellows of mind bending ignorance really hits home the true majesty of these liver-needing toothless legends of the estate. They pass comment and judgement on all whom pass by, be it to heckle and insult or to endow some great wisdom, all within ear shot are lambasted with the twisted logic and cringe inducing encouragement of these stalwarts of the estate. The relentless dedication they give to being repulsive and offensive is beautiful… Ladies are sexually harassed and requested they “get them out” blacks, Asians and anyone remotely off set from the blue-print of council estate form are hailed with abuse, which manages to encompass ignorance with offensiveness in such a manner that the over whelming sadness is replaced with ironic glee. Unlike the Junkies (makeup-yourownum) the ‘holics will drink late in to the night, with no respite from their fun, until the fight breaks out (fights are obligatory amongst soaks on sunny days) and the police request they turn it in for the night…

And violence is another staple of the sunny day on the estate, and one that is impossible to escape from, regardless of how hard you try. And the reason for the trouble is the great catalyst to summer time anger and violence… the Barbeque.
BBQs are such fine magnets for trouble as they have all the elements you could possibly want for a war to break out; weapons, alcohol, drugs, a gross level of stupidity, heat, women and of course that most common of creatures on the estate… the Dickhead.
Dickheads are littered through out the estate and are unbearable and fascinatingly entertaining in equal measure. And though their actions are consistent through out the year it makes their behaviour in the sun no less amazing to witness. The hot sun frustrates these simple creatures and leaves them ill tempered and quick to turn to violence. This is due to the following contributing factors, firstly sun-stroke, at an early age dickheads are taught to remove their shirts at the faintest glimpse of sunshine (it is considered poofy amongst the tribes if you do not) with their bodies left baking in the sun their small and simple minds are easily frazzled, which leads to an increased sense of the familiar confusion these beautiful beasts suffer daily. The fire is then further fanned by the addition of alcohol and recreational drugs, which add a sense of paranoia and a feeling of invincibility. A deadly cocktail. These volatile creatures, confused, angry and sure the world is against them, then get introduced to the trigger to all feuds known to man (be them chavy or not), the opposite sex… and as the slags of the estate compete to show off as much tubby acne scared skin as possible, the Dickheads in an effort to get to the top of their social group, ready themselves for war.
This is what’s really great about this weather if you watch a group of scum for long enough you see a fight, even if you do your best to stay away from scum, you see a fight, even if you lock your self in a darkened room, you will at the very least here a fight. The dickheads and their BBQs tend to fade out not too long after night fall, the fighters have been arrested or have scurried of to claim their prize slag, and the ones that were battered are checking themselves out of AandE and returning home for a well earned kip.

There are many other groups that come out make the most of the sun in the estate, we touched on the slags briefly (Chlamydia tests pending) but we also have the sleeping old people, the die hard goth kid (he ain’t taking that leather coat off, so don’t ask him) and the many other characters that make being hot sticky and uncomfortable in a shitty estate worth it…

OK, alright, check it out… Episode 6 in the Aldershot Woes, it was overly long, not very funny, poorly written and can only be a hindrance to the life of any one who reads it… so at least I’m consistent. This Woe comes in the last week of Blogsparational blogger Robbo “I wanna blog you up” Robson at the BBC, and in the first week to not have ROTW and QOTW by Chris “Danny Dyer and Dave Lister” Charles on the BBC. So I am dedicating its woefulness to these giants of the blogmunity, how the BBC can commit blogacide in this manner is a crime, and I am glad it has been met with universal blogdemnation. To Charlsie and Robbo…. FUCK THE BBC.

Ok, for those looking for a blog on ladies of the night in the Aldershot area and have accidentally stumbled upon this blog… thanks for reading this far, though after the first couple of poorly written paragraphs, you should have twigged…. “Aldershot Woes”. Simples….

You’re already following me on Twitter, you just don’t know it yet…



  1. A quiet weekend in Aldershot then....

  2. Yeah Standard really mate... (which is a depressing fact)...

  3. That's a Redblue Attenborough blog for the ages, highly chucklesome but sad too! Hope Coweslepe reads and comments!

  4. Yeah a mixture of funny and sad. Still think you should have done a world cup song, all put together whilst you are at work!

    erm...julie, would you mind singing "fuck off blatter" in a keith allen style? Thanks, and yes my sales figures will be with you in the morning. Oh....Julie...sorry, just one other you rap?

    im a bit jealous of the SNH5 thing you have with h2h...although it wouldnt work with me as as my first name isnt paul.

  5. Big nard and fast SNH5, sorry Scholsey, but weren't your first name Paul???

    Good stuff mAte, kinda reminded me of back home, but back in da day we never had that fancy smancy crack and heroine, no, no, our junkies (nowmostlikelystonecolddeadus) had that easier (until new laws were passed) to obtain industrial strength solvent. These early day junkies (glueus-snifferus) also prefered the poorly lite areas of the stairwells, which would ultimatly be their undoing, because after inhailing large quantities of said solvents the junkies (dumbassfuckwitticus) believing they could fly would take a header off the top step.
    Poor sods will never learn will they?

  6. Hman, yeah we all long for the days of the more hinest and humble junkie... look at them nowadays with thier i-pods and speedballs.... dont know they are born...

    This blog is actually horribly depressing, especially as it is rooted in truth, i'll do one tomorow and make it more jolly...

    Thanks for reading it guys...

  7. Depressing????

    I laughed my ars off, in fact have to pop out to get a new one.

  8. Thankfully Booty is freely available all over holland...

    cheers man...

  9. "PAUL"

    you are a God of the blogosphere and there aint no one writing today what writes with your originality. makes the robbicide worth it.

    keep it up, squire.

  10. Coming soon: Mandrake arrives late by skateboard. The Legion of Magicians draw lots to decide who fights Ekardnam, only to find some fucker has shit in the bag of magic runes. Guess who!