Friday, 21 May 2010

Woe-mans Own

Ah, there you are. Pull up a pew, get your self comfy, relax, unwind… can I get you anything? No? You’re sure now?... Good, good, ok then let’s begin…

In the last Woe I discussed the fine art of Bitching About Shit, and how I felt it was staple to the dietary characteristic of the British people, I have now learned that many people all over the world are also knee deep in bitching and elbow deep in shit… its a universal trait of man. So my apologies if my ignorance filled shit tirade left anyone feeling excluded… my bad.

In my ever expanding search for content and direction for the Woes I have been looking at even more popular journalists, current event programming and top selling magazines to find the formula for popular writing… and through a series of calculated experiments, rigorous study, dedicated and arduous research, spending night and day at the library, watching 24 hour rolling news channels and flicking through magazines in the Co-Op I have found the forum of media which encompasses the right amount of each element to create the long searched for “perfect read”… I realised that you need, drama, heart ache, giggles, tips, competitions, real-life, celebrity tittle tattle and star signs all delivered in a comfortable and relaxed way. I give it you that the best form of any publication is…. Women’s Magazines.

So in order to create the greatest blog ever, today I shall condense the 70 odd pages of “Take a Break” “Womens Own” “That’s Life”… and my personal favorite “Pick me Up” (it has friend of Aldershot Jeremy “jezza” Kyle in it) in to one blog… oh sweet fuck yes.

Real Life: Girl Born With No Face…

Most little girls have a face, they can wear make up, look at stuff, pluck eyebrows, have eye brows, but one very special little girl was born without a face, here in her own words, is her story…

“Hmph mph mphhh hmmmm hmm mumph herrrrmmm mmmmph”

Tragic…. If you or some one you know doesn’t have a face or has been affected by facelessness, well that’s just horrible, really horrible, I’m sorry.

Heart Ache: He Left Me for Meself:
Cheating cunt… Crazy bitch… Wankers… here Debbie 43 explains in her own words…

I met Darren Oates, unemployed 32, last summer and I thought he was cracking, he bought me a drink once and give me twos on his tabs, he weren’t like other men, but trouble was I weren’t like other lasses… I have multiple personality disorder, no I don’t, yes I do. And Darren always said he was fine with that, and that he loved me, in my original and primary persona. But one day I come home to find him in bed with meself… I was gutted. Darren of Chavscum Road, Donny and meself moved in together the next day I sometimes see them around but I’m moving on, I met someone else and hopefully he can love us for who we are…

Celebs: Dripping in Hot Gos
John Terry has been caught in a new dogging scandal, Roy Keane is furious and poor Triggs may never play fetch again.

Find the missing words to solve the phrase…
_ _ _ _ _ Britain?
_ _ _ 80s classic movie with Tom Hanks as a boy turned man?
Blue, Great and Yellow Browed _ _ _ _ all garden favorites?

I am sensing that regardless of your star sign if you are reading this you are deluded and gullible, I sense that Wednesday people on the doll will be coming in to money, and I see a break for most starting Friday night and ending Monday morning…

Tips: Ten Uses for… Pencil Shavings.

1.Ideal as make shift sawdust
2.If you can gather enough it makes an original alternative to gravel on your drive
3.Stick back together around a thin piece of carbon to make your own pencils
4.A great wig, from a distance
5.Cheap insulation for a dolls house
6.Use as decoration on a home made birthday card
7.Great for mopping up tiny sicks
8.Mix with PVA glue and spread on a wall for woodchip effect
9.Cheap confetti for a wedding
10.Use to make fake beards for undercover action men

Right then, I think that about sums up E5 of the Woes, and woeful it was as ever… I was gonna do a problems page but “Pick Me Up” Has Jeremy Kyle, and I just can’t compete with him, brothers got mad problem skills get me?, I would be a fool to try… I hope that the above was an enjoyable Woe, and raised a brief moment of joy for this sunny Friday where we really should be sent home or aloud to do our work outside like you could at school. Footy is dead now till the world cup, so I’ll be watching ESPN classic till then… All the best to you all… I leave you with the obligatory running jokes.

For those readers looking for Aldershot Hoes, I’ll soon be employing a meerkat to point out the difference to avoid this trouble in the future.

And as ever you can’t follow me on Twitter, as company execs at MySpace are holding my family hostage and have said they will kill them if I open a Twitter account… please MySpace, I just wanna know they’re OK, I love you darling… I’ll get you home soon.



  1. Regarding the whole no face debacle.

    What if you're born with two faces?

    Are you doomed to being a politician?

    Or a cheating cunt of an ex-England captain?

  2. For those looking for Aldershot hoes surely they local B&Q is your place.

    For those looking for Aldershot hos you don't have to look very hard.

  3. Actually given that hos tend to by definition charge for it then in Aldershot you would have to look very hard.

    And I don't mean look like you're built like a brick shithouse. You'd be almost invisible in Aldershot looking like a shithouse.

    I've never been to Aldershot. Allegedly.

  4. Poor old Triggs.Remember when Glenn Hoddle said the disabled were paying for their sins in a previous life?If there is such a thing as re-incarnation,and I don't think there is and I didn't think there was when I was a hamster,do you think Triggs was Jack the Ripper?

  5. Good stuff again brother, SNH5 with a catch you for a slap on the way back down. (a la Top Gun)

    Womens magazines have got to be the most contridictional (if that's a word) literature around. On one page it tells lasses that men are dirty untrustworty cheating pig basterds, whilst on the following page it give's 'em 5 raunchy tips on how to give the world's best blowjob.

    You also have the problem pages where some biddy is complaing that her hubby only wants sex if she wears highheels and stockings, which she feels degrades her, situated slap bang across from a full page ad from Triumph Lingerie and a few pages later this weeks tips on "How to look hot for your man."

    It's no wonder that bitces are so fucked up.

  6. "It's no wonder that bitces are so fucked up."

    BITCHES, god damn it, I meant BITCHES

  7. Doesn't matter what way you spell it H2H, the fucking whiney bitches will still moan.

  8. easynow, Gaz you stalking me... haha...

    thanks for wasting a couple of minutes reading it fellas...

    H man, S to the N to the High to the Fiz-ive! braaaap!

    Jacks... we all feel sorry for triggs, imagine if roy keane was your best mate...

  9. I have many times imagined that Roy Keane was my best mate.

    It always ended the same way.

    With sheets that needed washing.

  10. Cheers for sharing gaz mate...

    pretty teary over at CCs last blog... it good to see so many people are genuinely fucked off over the CC and Robbo being booted gate... and equally depressing that they wont do fuck all about it...


  11. RBA, your site is fucked up, my exceedingly irrelevant comment has vanished. Do you and Robbo share techie budgets?

  12. but your blog was really funny!

  13. rba is this is class and very very funny you got something here mate you should cash in using the Monterise button and watch the 0.0005ps come avelanching in

    H2 - Triumph Lingerie - not their best motorcycle, in my opinion

  14. eventually you'll have enough 0.000005ps to install the internet at home

  15. Its not the lack of money keeping t'internet from RBAs home

    Its Mrs RBA!!


  16. rba i managed to get the talking hair into mandrake ch 2. any suggestions for ch 3?

  17. i have the internet at home, just very little time to use it... which is crap really as i am forking out for the most expensive one from virgin media... it is so quick that if i went was at home doing this i would have already typed before i'd even logged on! thats actually whats happeneing, my internet is too quick for you to see the stuff i post at home... but in three or four years when your non-super internet catches up you will laugh yor tits off...

  18. Very funny RBA mate, keep em coming!