Wednesday, 18 August 2010

The Cakeprentice Factor

Greetings and welcome to the midweek misery of the Wednesday Woe, and a particularly miserable Wednesday it is too, so let’s attempt to usher is some sunshine with episode 36 of the Aldershot Woes: The Cakeprentice Factor.

I watched a show last night called “The Great British Bake Off”, essentially it was The Apprentice but with baking, and it all happens in a tent. They had 10 cake makers, each with background stories and cake related ambitions, each week they have to perform bakery tasks and sub-sequentially 2 of these wannabe pastry mongers get booted out of the tent… they are judged by an old lady who invented cake or something and some fella who makes buns for the queen, oh and he’s a hard arse, like a sugar-coated Gordon Ramsey… literally. Its bizarre television it really is but it was also engrossing (or I may have been hungry?) the highlight for me was when old duffer Mark (who was sh!t to be fair) cried because they didn’t like his cakes… but Schadenfreude aside it was mostly bizarre. Has television really got to the stage where a programme about something as innocent as Cakes has to be formatted in to a last man standing apprentice type show, are we now so deluded by television that everything has to be an “event” it has to have winners and losers and background stories and we can not enjoy anything unless at some point we have to see a middle age fat man cry because a bastard TV judge was mean about his cakes. What a world?

And here’s what gets me, when its group of pricks vying for a top salary job with old scrote-face at Amstrad we want to know the ins the outs the backgrounds and foregrounds of the characters involved, if they are arrogant boobs we want to boo them, if they are down –trodden underdogs we want to cheer. If it’s a group of delusional brain-dead entertainers in a talent show, again we want all the details about them, we want to know what they went through when their nan’s dog Ralphy died in 1987. And we’re at a point now where kind faced tubby bakers are at the mercy of tabloid background checks and being edited in to be complete arse-biscuits by some wang-brained producer. And not only do we have to know the contestants but we also have to listen to “experts” deride them, now granted Alan Sugars mum and dad on The Apprentice do appear to know their stuff, but what about the talent shows… We put stock in the words of people who have famous sisters, or were on Blue Peter. But for 3 months at a time we lap it up, we get stuck in and we love it. And we take it all in to consideration before we pick our favourites.

But when it comes to things and people that matter, when we should care about who our favourites are, when we should listen to the experts opinion, when we should no the ins, the outs the backgrounds and foregrounds of someone… we couldn’t care less. I talk of course about politicians, as we approach the 100 day mark of the coalition and the honeymoon period ends the nation is waking up and rolling over to see that its not only banged a minger, but put a ring on her finger as well. I know nothing about who my MP is, I know they are Tory, but I couldn’t tell you a name or anything about his/her background with out researching. And why? Because I didn’t care, although the elections coverage was on overkill on the news, it was handled entirely wrong for our generation, I mean who watches the news?… Squares and Geography teachers that’s who! So in order to cover the next election properly, and make the most of democracy, here’s what we need to do.

1. Only cover the election on one channel on Saturday nights, too many channels dilutes the emphasis, though it is an acceptable news item on other channels.
2. Have weekly background stories on the contestants, show their human side and highlight the honest backgrounds they have, an interview with “call me Dave”s child hood butler could have changed the election massively.
3. Live Studio Audience, not partisan duffers who clap at any old sh!t they spout, an audience of 12,000 chavs booing and cheering like mindless fools, give the populous a voice.
4. Judges who know f*ck all, yeah Andrew Marr might know the history of modern Britain and Nick Robinson (love your blog) might have the political insight to ask the proper questions, but a Cheeky Girl has sucked off Limpet Opalplex, that’s qualification enough the new format.
5. An ITV2/E4/BBC3 after show. No justification it is simply a staple of the format. (They even did it with the apprentice???)

Follow them rules and were sorted, maybe it wont deliver the best Government but it will at least give us one we have a clue about. And if that fails, BRING ON THE WALL!



  1. First?

    It's not new, it's just the medium that's changed. There was a time when the entertainment might have been at a dunking or around the stocks. Same old shit, it's just on tele now. Everyone still has a beer or a mug of mead, has a fight on the way home and likely gets mugged.

    Why not have a bake-off for the next PM, the results won't be any worse and the winner will surround themselves with wise butchers, other bakers and candlestick makers anyway

  2. Cheers Trotts mate... suppose your right you usaully are (how was the DARF by the way?)...

    As for a bake off to become PM, given that most of the ideas of westminster are half baked at best, thats probably not a geat idea...

    I think a massive game of world cup willies would be fairer.

  3. The golf was great but the Darf is mired in beaurocratic red tape. They want to call it..

    GARTS or DOLF or GORTS or DALF or GOFART ... I said we'd have to refer it back to the inventor of the game and see if compromise can be reached.

  4. I think we can all agree GOFART is the future.

    Ok lets make it happen, now we just need a plucky multi raced lad to spearhead the game and then get himself mixed up in sex scandals with various hot hookers and pole dancers.

    any volunteers, it would involve being incredibly rich?

  5. I watched the American Cake War version - far better.

    That election format woudl be a nightmare - far better idea is more of a karaoke situation - best singer wins do that in Haiti and Wyclef would be in without a problem

  6. I'm in on the GOFART, I'd be great at that, ask me missus, whom I regulary gas out of the room.

    Speaking of great, the blog is the shizzniz once again blud. I like the idea of a game show to get the next PM, "Britians Next Top Minister" or summat, they could have a "debate off", "hide your expences", "baby kissing" and "paparazzi avoidance when coming out of a high class SM brothel" section and at the end of the show all the plebs (us) could vote for their favourites via text message and the two with the least votes could sort out who goes to the next round by fighting to the death in a killer cage, a la Running Man, with guest slayers a la Maggie "The Iron Lady" Thatcher and the stone faced killer Norman "get this hotel off my head" Tebbit.
    That should spice polotics up a bit and it's good tv, everyone's a winner!!

  7. Hman, you get it blud, your really fucking get it... bless you mang!

    S N H 5...

  8. Re GoFart - I can just see one problem - what if you end up "toucking cloth" or even worse "following through" - other than than game on.

  9. Norman "get this hotel off my head" Tebbit.


  10. it's a veritable GoFart bandwagon. GoFart will soon be the new tie breaker for all contests, ratings wars, stalemates, penalty shoot-outs, political elections and tennis matches. A hung parliament will be a thing of the past.

  11. Surely extra points should be scored for sharting? It's a skill after all.

    On another, slightly similar note, the 'leaders debate' for the upcoming general election here in Australia was recently put on hold so that it wouldn't clash with Masterchef.

    Norman get this hotel off my head Tebbit made me laugh out loud. Then it took me 20 minutes to explain to the missus what the joke was.