Reasons to be Woeful

Bonjour mon ami’s, I hope you are well? Welcome to the 8th episode of the Aldershot Woes, a brand new adventure in to the usual world of poor syntax child like spelling and retard grade grammar… The last Woe was an homage to the goliath of good humour Mr Derek Robson and was met with a positive response, that was until the smoggy bastard served me with court papers, him JK Rowling and the ghost of Charles Dickens have teamed up to sue me for everything I have got… which isn’t very much at all… On a positive note Phil McNulty has been in touch thanking me for putting him in such a positive light for once…

Anyway, on to the new Woe… You know a lot of people have been moaning about how back in the old days the world was nicer place. People were kinder and more emphatic to the human cause, kids were politer and would frequently hold doors open for seniors and help them across roads and bake them cakes and file their bunions for them. Animals never bit people, stinging nettles gave you a gentle massage, houses were made out of candy and everyone walked around singing in harmony, shaking hands and hugging… I for one have never embraced this myth about days of yore, and dismissed the idea that things were ever any better. I was wrong. Yesterday was brilliant and today is rubbish, and if you think any different then you’re on drugs… Today, exclusively in the Aldershot Woes, we put on our nicest trousers, spit on a poor person and have a look at the rapid decline of this and every other country in the god forsaken world… Unless I get stabbed in the face right now by hood wearing scallywags, which is bloody likely, let’s be honest…

Britain 1947, fresh from ridding the world of evil the good people of Britain give them selves a collective pat on the back, and settle down to a slice of cake and pot of tea. All is well again in the world and the values that so many laid their lives down to protect are intact and stronger than ever… For a while at least…
But then something happened across the world that has made today the bloody mess it is. A barrier was removed, this barrier was the supporting wall that kept the world standing up straight, it created natural order, gave people proper direction and put everyone exactly where they should be. Things were neat, and they were organised and everyone was happy… For a while at least…
However when the barrier was removed people began to get all sorts of silly ideas and ambitions and this is when the decay of decency began. For thousands of years the barrier stood, but once it was gone people who had never strived for anything other than a pie or a comfortable seat or to die for their masters began to get very silly ideas and opinions about the world. People who for generations were quite happy plodding along quietly developed a voice, a crass and dirty voice at that. And as this voice bellowed across the world revulsion grew in it reverberations, and decline ate in to this land like a vicious and hungry cancer. People wanted fair pay, equality, a decent standard of living and the right to have choices and make decisions for them selves… even though for hundreds of years people had been making decisions for them and they always seemed very happy with it. Before long industry was collapsing, the most famous case of this was the evil miners of Upnorth. This greedy band of land diggers wanted fair and decent pay just for hitting rocks with chisels and sticks, but the problem was that at the heart of these wicked people beat corruption. Miners were involved heavily in oraganised crime. They were the ones who introduced drugs to the world, they promoted prostitution, and gambling, and all manner of vile activity. Thankfully the heavens sent an angel to put an end to their villainy once and for all. A fiery haired goddess swept across the land and rid us of these monsters forever. For a moment the barrier was stable and there was peace and harmony… For a while at least…
However too much damage had been done to the barrier and though it tried to stay strong in 1993 the last part of this pillar was washed away amid a sea of deprivation… it was the end of decency, all that is now to come is sheer bloody terror.

So here we find ourselves today, 17 years since the barrier fell and the world could not be any worse, that is until tomorrow when it gets even worse than it is right now. As I type this there are several fist fights going on around me. On my way to work I saw a child of 6 smoking a bong whilst his mother was having sex with 3 men in an alley way, the boy asked if I was his father… I was so heart broken by this I could hardly bring myself to tell him to “f*ck off”, but I did, and for his own good too. Right now in every town in every country in the world, the streets are littered with broken glass and broken dreams, men beat their wives who beat their children who beat their friends who then go home and beat their parents. This vicious cycle spins daily. Everyone is on drugs, and if people can’t get drugs they roll up old people in large Rizlas and smoke them. Education has fallen so hard that most children can’t even speak properly, those that can speak become rappers and write songs about stabbing their mums and kicking guide dogs. The Media has become instrumental in the decline of the world and TV programmes are either sick reality shows where people are given respect for shagging the most people or fighting the most people or fighting the most people whilst shagging them or vice versa. Or they are so dumbed down if you watch them for too long you get brain damage. The most popular show on TV at the moment is “look at the shiny thing – with Andrew Marr” Where Andrew Marr looks at shiny things and says “oooh, shiny”. Health care is a joke if you have cancer and go to hospital you are given a plaster and by a nine year old foreign doctor who hasn’t slept since he was seven. And by the time you get see him again, he will be 21 and you will both be dead, you of cancer and him of tiredness. If you are going to get sick these days you better hope you die quickly, otherwise hospitals will kill you. Another reason it is wise to prey for quick death these days is that old people are terrorised by young people, if you are not lucky enough to be smoked in a giant Rizla, then you could be in for an even worse fate as the young of today think of deprived and demonic games to play with the grey generation. “Old Lady Conkers” is popular amongst younger kids, old ladies are literally strung up and swung at each other, till one shatters. Another torment that the elderly suffer on a daily basis is Nan-Fighting. Nans are starved and angered then when at their most angry dropped in to pits to fight other nans to the death… meanwhile the youth sit around and bet money and drugs on the outcome. The modern man of today is a complete shower of shite he is a drunken, fighting, bollocks of a creature. But in today’s broken world it is he who has become the fairer sex as women run amok… amok I tell you! I will bet you a thousand pounds that the next woman you see is drunk and fighting another woman whist having sex with a man and vomiting on her shoes. They are a complete shambles. Once upon a time a woman was a pretty and caring motherly creature that was delicate and fragile. But now they are bare fist fighters, who down vodka by the bottle load, and then pass out on the street in a puddle of there own, and other women’s, vomit. They pop out kids by the dozen never two with the same dad, or even the same colour. They all smoke cigars and crack are covered in tattoos and some have even started watching football and attempting to play it… The world is truly a broken place.
As I mentioned before if your view of Britain is any different to this then you are either on drugs or you are a bitter sick soul who believes that the day the barrier was removed was a good day and that we should never have even had a barrier in the first place. Or you are a simple liar…. All we can do is prey and moan about it…. We’re all fu*ked.






Oh my god…. That was a bit heavy wasn’t it but by using the word FACT, it makes the above FACTS very real. So we should all be scared for ourselves and our families… I have just put my family in metal security box, I’ll take them out once the world is saved…
Anyway that raps up the 8th woe, I hope you have enjoyed it but I suspect you were too high on drugs or busy fighting or too stupid to fully understand it… I certainly was. I hope you all have a good weekend…and good luck out there, you’ll need it.



You can’t follow me on twitter as I have been banned from using by the wife, apparently “21:32: Oh yes, she f*cking loves it, dirty cow” wasn’t a good thing to post… Sorry dear.



Woe

Woe-mans Own

Ah, there you are. Pull up a pew, get your self comfy, relax, unwind… can I get you anything? No? You’re sure now?... Good, good, ok then let’s begin…

In the last Woe I discussed the fine art of Bitching About Shit, and how I felt it was staple to the dietary characteristic of the British people, I have now learned that many people all over the world are also knee deep in bitching and elbow deep in shit… its a universal trait of man. So my apologies if my ignorance filled shit tirade left anyone feeling excluded… my bad.

In my ever expanding search for content and direction for the Woes I have been looking at even more popular journalists, current event programming and top selling magazines to find the formula for popular writing… and through a series of calculated experiments, rigorous study, dedicated and arduous research, spending night and day at the library, watching 24 hour rolling news channels and flicking through magazines in the Co-Op I have found the forum of media which encompasses the right amount of each element to create the long searched for “perfect read”… I realised that you need, drama, heart ache, giggles, tips, competitions, real-life, celebrity tittle tattle and star signs all delivered in a comfortable and relaxed way. I give it you that the best form of any publication is…. Women’s Magazines.

So in order to create the greatest blog ever, today I shall condense the 70 odd pages of “Take a Break” “Womens Own” “That’s Life”… and my personal favorite “Pick me Up” (it has friend of Aldershot Jeremy “jezza” Kyle in it) in to one blog… oh sweet fuck yes.




Real Life: Girl Born With No Face…
Most little girls have a face, they can wear make up, look at stuff, pluck eyebrows, have eye brows, but one very special little girl was born without a face, here in her own words, is her story…

“Hmph mph mphhh hmmmm hmm mumph herrrrmmm mmmmph”

Tragic…. If you or some one you know doesn’t have a face or has been affected by facelessness, well that’s just horrible, really horrible, I’m sorry.

Heart Ache: He Left Me for Meself:
Cheating cunt… Crazy bitch… Wankers… here Debbie 43 explains in her own words…

I met Darren Oates, unemployed 32, last summer and I thought he was cracking, he bought me a drink once and give me twos on his tabs, he weren’t like other men, but trouble was I weren’t like other lasses… I have multiple personality disorder, no I don’t, yes I do. And Darren always said he was fine with that, and that he loved me, in my original and primary persona. But one day I come home to find him in bed with meself… I was gutted. Darren of Chavscum Road, Donny and meself moved in together the next day I sometimes see them around but I’m moving on, I met someone else and hopefully he can love us for who we are…

Celebs: Dripping in Hot Gos
John Terry has been caught in a new dogging scandal, Roy Keane is furious and poor Triggs may never play fetch again.

Puzzles:
Find the missing words to solve the phrase…
_ _ _ _ _ Britain?
_ _ _ 80s classic movie with Tom Hanks as a boy turned man?
Blue, Great and Yellow Browed _ _ _ _ all garden favorites?

StarSigns:
I am sensing that regardless of your star sign if you are reading this you are deluded and gullible, I sense that Wednesday people on the doll will be coming in to money, and I see a break for most starting Friday night and ending Monday morning…

Tips: Ten Uses for… Pencil Shavings.
1.Ideal as make shift sawdust
2.If you can gather enough it makes an original alternative to gravel on your drive
3.Stick back together around a thin piece of carbon to make your own pencils
4.A great wig, from a distance
5.Cheap insulation for a dolls house
6.Use as decoration on a home made birthday card
7.Great for mopping up tiny sicks
8.Mix with PVA glue and spread on a wall for woodchip effect
9.Cheap confetti for a wedding
10.Use to make fake beards for undercover action men





Right then, I think that about sums up E5 of the Woes, and woeful it was as ever… I was gonna do a problems page but “Pick Me Up” Has Jeremy Kyle, and I just can’t compete with him, brothers got mad problem skills get me?, I would be a fool to try… I hope that the above was an enjoyable Woe, and raised a brief moment of joy for this sunny Friday where we really should be sent home or aloud to do our work outside like you could at school. Footy is dead now till the world cup, so I’ll be watching ESPN classic till then… All the best to you all… I leave you with the obligatory running jokes.

For those readers looking for Aldershot Hoes, I’ll soon be employing a meerkat to point out the difference to avoid this trouble in the future.

And as ever you can’t follow me on Twitter, as company execs at MySpace are holding my family hostage and have said they will kill them if I open a Twitter account… please MySpace, I just wanna know they’re OK, I love you darling… I’ll get you home soon.

Woe…