Sigh, well to be honest I am only doing this out of complete and total boredom, I don’t really no why I am bothering to tell you the truth, but ho-hum here I am again typing words like a mad man, ranting about this and that, shooting off crackpot theories and such, ah well, its all a bit of a laugh really ain’t it… well no its not actually, but who gives a Tour de France as its blog number 27 from the Aldershot Woes.
Its weird init the level of communication we have these days, I mean in the last 15 years we have gone from only speaking to each other when absolutely necessary or at a carefully organised times, to now, when we flap our gums about allsorts of incessant gibberish non fucking stop. We have even invented new methods of communication to share more of ourselves with anyone who will befriend us and listen… Nowadays not content with being reachable 24 hours a day via mobile, tapping out banter all day at work via Skype or MSN we also feel the need to publish real time life updates so everyone knows what you are doing, why you are doing it and exactly how long you have been doing what ever it is you are doing. Tweets? I just don’t get it, I mean for a rare handful of people who possess debonair, sparkling wit in abundance it is great, as they can reel off one liners about what ever it is they are doing and make everyone gush and guffaw and love them like mad, cos they’re brilliant, just brilliant. But the sad truth is the majority of people are grammatically cumbersome oafs and Twittering makes this abundantly clear to all and sundry and apart from looking as dumb as a pocket full of sugar puffs Twitterers also manage to purvey the fact that they are incredibly, painfully, headsplitting-with-a-hammerly boring, and all in 140 characters or less…
There are some things you need not share, that little voice that runs around your head and judges people and makes stupid jokes and thinks everyone hates you, or loves you and wonders about all the “what ifs” in the world should be left where it is, in your head. Twitter has given the internal monologue a platform to be heard and the end result is like reading the inside of a crazy person’s brain. And that is the worst thing about Twitter, we are all crazy, self obsessed, neurotic, attention starved, psychopaths… I don’t need twitter to highlight that, thank you very much.
Another of the more bizarre forms of modern day cyber communication that is truly beyond me is “statusing”, this is for Facebook users and is a like a tweet but smaller and possibly more inane. “Gormless prick is: Watching TV, bored”. “Waster Shitehawk is: Well excited about dinner, hmmm chippies”… Facebook as far as I can tell is the devil, I did have it for a short time, but I found it horribly intrusive as it gave people I hadn’t spoken to in a decade an excuse and ability to talk to me, and in the time it takes to be “added” you have 10 years of hard avoidance and ignoring flushed down the toilet. It is true when some does “add” you, you are offered the choice to embrace the digital olive branch or to ignore and give a 64 bit cold shoulder to whoever it is trying to be your “friend”. But here’s the worst thing, everyone you know has more friends than you do, so you’re in a dilemma, what to do??? Pros: More Facebook friends mean’s I am loved. Cons: It’s a convicted animal rapist??? Oh, well it weren’t my cat… “accept”, show me the love…
Social networking is truly a bizarre phenomenon, and it taps in to the very worst parts of our thoroughly despicable human minds. It creates a completely false representation of the world and gives all of its users a chance to whoop and holla like spoilt children. It creates a friendship economy where you are desperate for followers and friends, to prove your worth to other users. You must find and add friends, people you have seen in the street anyone who went to your school, people who look like people you know, people called Kevin, anyone female, peoples pets… anyone, anyone will do, please join me, please love me, please “friend” me…
The real world is nothing like this, and perhaps that’s why we’re all such dirty friend whores online? In real world, we don’t trust or like anyone very much and it can take years to become “friends” with some one, so perhaps the inhibition free world of online friending allows an environment we can let our guard down and just all get along and be pals... I mean its not, its an excuse to get friends and attempt to be witty and show everyone that you are popular, oh yes, sat on your laptop tweeting and adding friends on a Friday night, alone, in your PJs stroking your cat and regretting your whole entire existence and hating the silence in your heart but unable to drain out the cries of misery from your head… BLEEP… ooh, another friend request!... Why certainly Mr Nick Griffin, oh yes… I am loved, I am needed, I am “friend!”…
Facebook and Twitter also appear to be completely addictive, or so I am lead to believe, people are staying in to socialise on line, ignoring their flesh based friends in favour of the text based, putting pointing and clicking over pint-ing and clique-ing, which has led the great social networking paradox, as people sacrifice the real and difficult in your face world for the cosy in your browser version. It really is just a matter of time until we are just lumps of meat whizzing around on hover chairs like in wall-e, interfacing rather than interacting… and then how long till the wasps take over?
It’s scary it has come so far in such a short time, I still remember when mobiles were revolutionary and now we can’t live with out them (how did we meet with people in the long, long ago?) and I also remember not so long ago that mates emailing each other was pretty fucking flashy, and if someone had told me that before I was 30 it would be common practice for people to announce to all of their friends what they had for tea, I would think you were mad and I’d probably kick you in the shins and run for the hills… So what’s the next revolution in needless and pointless communication? BowelMates, a digital signal alerts all your followers when ever you do a poo, leaving details on size and weight, plus a snap shot of your straining mooey as it kerplunks? Where will it all end? Arguably in wasp domination… Anyway I can’t stop here talking about you saddos on Facebook and Twitter and Bebo and Myspace… I have got a game of World Of War Craft waiting for me…
I don’t feel a follow me on twitter gag is appropriate.
Woe
Tuesday, 20 July 2010
Monday, 19 July 2010
BigSociety
Sunday bloody Sunday, sang the twatty sun-glassed, punchable Jesus wannabe Bono… well I don’t know what he was on about as Mondays are far worse… And to add to the bitter taste of stale weekend that is festering in your gob-hole here’s the 26th Aldershot Woe… Sorry.
I am a gullible person by nature and when our new leaders took over promising big changes I fell for it hook line and stinker. Typically when it comes to politics I am as cynical as old Billy Cynical, the biggest cynic in cynic town (its Monday so expect more similes of this high standard) but when the coalition took over a part of me just wanted to believe that maybe this really could be the start of something new, something fresh and maybe even something good, but as the days passed the sea of optimism drained away leaving a puddle of familiar grubby pessimism. Well I was as wrong, as old Johnny Wrong the wrongest man from the wrongest house in the worngest town in all of Wrongland! (I warned you). Today our old pal and glorious leader Davey Dave the Rave Camer's and his sidekick Nick (The Cleggmeister) Clegg are unveiling plans which are going to improve not only the people and prosperity of this fine land but something far more precious… the society, as we get ready to have the whole thing supersized, welcome to the new world people, its BIG SOCIETY!!
http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-10680062
What is BIG society I hear you ask? Well it is like regular society but BIGGER, in layman’s terms it is a society that is larger in size than it is right now, and I think we can all agree that is grand thing indeed. As we speak society is small, it is small minded, it looks at the small picture and it has small girly hands and well, let’s just say that when society pulls up to a urinal, stage fright is not uncommon. Now some people like to suggest that “society” is an anachronism in today’s world and only exists as an abstract construct of politicians and media to help them either scare monger or make lucid fabrications about the state of the country, but it isn’t, it’s real and it’s tiny and it’s shit.
So how’s it all going to work? Simply, that’s how…As it stands society is making a right pigs-knob of everything, but that’s little societies fault, and little society is run by government and council officials, who smell like rubbers and wear badly fitting suits, which we pay for. What BIG society will do is remove the small local authorities which are currently running things and doing a bad job, and replace them with the person you call when you want a job done properly… your goddamn self.
As it stands every month we each pay hundreds in council taxes and that money is used to pay government people to do a job, from collecting your rubbish to educating your children, the local authorities look after everything, so when it goes wrong it is their fault, so you complain about them and worse of all government, which makes government look bad, which is in turn bad for the country… Now then, with BIG society you pay hundreds every month in council taxes but rather than that money being sent to a wasteful council office who’ll piss it all up the wall by paying trained and skilled professionals to do a job, it is just left alone and you have to do everything your goddamn self. It’s very simple, yet utterly brilliant. This way when your rubbish is not picked up, or your 15 year old son doesn’t know the alphabet, rather than getting mad at local councils or governments you get mad at you, as you should have done it your goddamn self. This is good for us as it will teach us respect and responsibility and the importance of hard work, it is also good as it will no longer be the governments fault, which I should imagine will free up the governments precious time to do more important things rather than wasting their time mollycoddling every Thomas, Richard and Sally Anne in the country.
Like a 9 year old with a new pet rabbit if we do not do our job properly the country will fall in to a state of disrepair and will starve to death in its hutch, or be left out and eaten by the greedy foxes. But not only will this excellent and revolutionary new scheme teach us all about the importance of BIG society and doing-things-for-our-selfness it also saves us trillions of pounds. Think about it, every month you pay your Council Tax and in return you get a bunch of services which ensure you have an acceptable standard of living, but now we are living in BIG society the money you pay will not be used by councils, it will just sit there lining the coffers of parliament, as you will have to do everything your goddamn self, so every month we are saving billions of pounds… it genius.
BIG society will bring us together and make us BIGGER, as the title of it suggests, and it is a full proof method of sorting this country out. Some cynics have said that the whole scheme is just a half arsed attempt to make huge budget cuts in local spending seem reasonable, well if you are thinking that, then shame on you, you Nazi! What BIG society does is keeps the cornerstone of taxation in place but relieves governments of the responsibility of running the country, all in all this leads to a richer country with a successful smoothly run government, which, if were honest, is what we all want. Big society leaves Government inculpable of making mistakes as it will not have to do anything, and even government can manage to do nothing properly, and with our new infallible local governments we will see an end to government incompetency. We will be able to finally see the fruits of a coalition government, as having cake and eating it are brought together for the first time, for the good of the reputation of the government, which in turn is good for the country so its good for you, I mean come on were gonna be BIGGER (take that Germany!).
But plans should not stop at BIG society, oh-no-siree bob, this is just the starting block for a BIG country, there are many more BIGs which could help people have power over their fates and save the country millions, buy having more tax money it isn’t spending. BIG hospitals, where costly Doctors are replaced and the people are free to remove their own tumours and perform their own heart by-passes, saves money and cuts embarrassing waiting lists. BIG fire brigades, where we can cut the cost of these fire-fighters and simply put fires out ourselves, enough people with enough buckets of water can do it. BIG social services, so abused children can be taken in by their own abusive parents, this way the child stays with its family and the abusive parent is taught responsibility by having to look after an abused child, the money this would save each year could bail out countless numbers of banks. BIG police forces, no more having to wait for police officers to turn up, the law would be in your hands and peace can be kept cheaply, and the criminals can be taken to BIG court where rather than an expensive judge making decisions, you’d call the shots, and if the BIG human rights said it was ok you could have a BIG execution. The power, the responsibility and the burden of your life are entirely in the hands of you. BIG freedom, at a BIG price… so here are some BIG thanks for our leaders who are in no way just a pair of BIG bell-ends.
Well BIG society you probably didn’t hear it hear first, but this is probably the biggest load of crap you have read about it. But as of today we live in BIG society, which I can only assume is some old Etonian way of saying FUCK SOCIETY…
You can now follow me on BIG twitter its like regular twitter but all responsibility for me to update it is passed to you, so you have more power over what I twitter and when…
Woe
I am a gullible person by nature and when our new leaders took over promising big changes I fell for it hook line and stinker. Typically when it comes to politics I am as cynical as old Billy Cynical, the biggest cynic in cynic town (its Monday so expect more similes of this high standard) but when the coalition took over a part of me just wanted to believe that maybe this really could be the start of something new, something fresh and maybe even something good, but as the days passed the sea of optimism drained away leaving a puddle of familiar grubby pessimism. Well I was as wrong, as old Johnny Wrong the wrongest man from the wrongest house in the worngest town in all of Wrongland! (I warned you). Today our old pal and glorious leader Davey Dave the Rave Camer's and his sidekick Nick (The Cleggmeister) Clegg are unveiling plans which are going to improve not only the people and prosperity of this fine land but something far more precious… the society, as we get ready to have the whole thing supersized, welcome to the new world people, its BIG SOCIETY!!
http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-10680062
What is BIG society I hear you ask? Well it is like regular society but BIGGER, in layman’s terms it is a society that is larger in size than it is right now, and I think we can all agree that is grand thing indeed. As we speak society is small, it is small minded, it looks at the small picture and it has small girly hands and well, let’s just say that when society pulls up to a urinal, stage fright is not uncommon. Now some people like to suggest that “society” is an anachronism in today’s world and only exists as an abstract construct of politicians and media to help them either scare monger or make lucid fabrications about the state of the country, but it isn’t, it’s real and it’s tiny and it’s shit.
So how’s it all going to work? Simply, that’s how…As it stands society is making a right pigs-knob of everything, but that’s little societies fault, and little society is run by government and council officials, who smell like rubbers and wear badly fitting suits, which we pay for. What BIG society will do is remove the small local authorities which are currently running things and doing a bad job, and replace them with the person you call when you want a job done properly… your goddamn self.
As it stands every month we each pay hundreds in council taxes and that money is used to pay government people to do a job, from collecting your rubbish to educating your children, the local authorities look after everything, so when it goes wrong it is their fault, so you complain about them and worse of all government, which makes government look bad, which is in turn bad for the country… Now then, with BIG society you pay hundreds every month in council taxes but rather than that money being sent to a wasteful council office who’ll piss it all up the wall by paying trained and skilled professionals to do a job, it is just left alone and you have to do everything your goddamn self. It’s very simple, yet utterly brilliant. This way when your rubbish is not picked up, or your 15 year old son doesn’t know the alphabet, rather than getting mad at local councils or governments you get mad at you, as you should have done it your goddamn self. This is good for us as it will teach us respect and responsibility and the importance of hard work, it is also good as it will no longer be the governments fault, which I should imagine will free up the governments precious time to do more important things rather than wasting their time mollycoddling every Thomas, Richard and Sally Anne in the country.
Like a 9 year old with a new pet rabbit if we do not do our job properly the country will fall in to a state of disrepair and will starve to death in its hutch, or be left out and eaten by the greedy foxes. But not only will this excellent and revolutionary new scheme teach us all about the importance of BIG society and doing-things-for-our-selfness it also saves us trillions of pounds. Think about it, every month you pay your Council Tax and in return you get a bunch of services which ensure you have an acceptable standard of living, but now we are living in BIG society the money you pay will not be used by councils, it will just sit there lining the coffers of parliament, as you will have to do everything your goddamn self, so every month we are saving billions of pounds… it genius.
BIG society will bring us together and make us BIGGER, as the title of it suggests, and it is a full proof method of sorting this country out. Some cynics have said that the whole scheme is just a half arsed attempt to make huge budget cuts in local spending seem reasonable, well if you are thinking that, then shame on you, you Nazi! What BIG society does is keeps the cornerstone of taxation in place but relieves governments of the responsibility of running the country, all in all this leads to a richer country with a successful smoothly run government, which, if were honest, is what we all want. Big society leaves Government inculpable of making mistakes as it will not have to do anything, and even government can manage to do nothing properly, and with our new infallible local governments we will see an end to government incompetency. We will be able to finally see the fruits of a coalition government, as having cake and eating it are brought together for the first time, for the good of the reputation of the government, which in turn is good for the country so its good for you, I mean come on were gonna be BIGGER (take that Germany!).
But plans should not stop at BIG society, oh-no-siree bob, this is just the starting block for a BIG country, there are many more BIGs which could help people have power over their fates and save the country millions, buy having more tax money it isn’t spending. BIG hospitals, where costly Doctors are replaced and the people are free to remove their own tumours and perform their own heart by-passes, saves money and cuts embarrassing waiting lists. BIG fire brigades, where we can cut the cost of these fire-fighters and simply put fires out ourselves, enough people with enough buckets of water can do it. BIG social services, so abused children can be taken in by their own abusive parents, this way the child stays with its family and the abusive parent is taught responsibility by having to look after an abused child, the money this would save each year could bail out countless numbers of banks. BIG police forces, no more having to wait for police officers to turn up, the law would be in your hands and peace can be kept cheaply, and the criminals can be taken to BIG court where rather than an expensive judge making decisions, you’d call the shots, and if the BIG human rights said it was ok you could have a BIG execution. The power, the responsibility and the burden of your life are entirely in the hands of you. BIG freedom, at a BIG price… so here are some BIG thanks for our leaders who are in no way just a pair of BIG bell-ends.
Well BIG society you probably didn’t hear it hear first, but this is probably the biggest load of crap you have read about it. But as of today we live in BIG society, which I can only assume is some old Etonian way of saying FUCK SOCIETY…
You can now follow me on BIG twitter its like regular twitter but all responsibility for me to update it is passed to you, so you have more power over what I twitter and when…
Woe
Friday, 16 July 2010
ParentHero
Well 4 in a week it is then, I fucking spoil you lot… by you lot I of course mean the written word, and by spoil I mean desecrate with my ignorant childish and often hate filled and petty rants… But seeing as how it is Friday, what the heck-a-roo, lets do It all over again… Welcome to the 25th Aldershot Woe.
A little while ago I wrote a blog which was essentially mocking very sick children, but it was OK as the thing killing them was fat and not cancer so it was ok to laugh, titter-titter-tee-hee. Well it appears that I am not the only one to have noticed the increasing plumpness of our children and the gross waste of nugget meat they have become in the last decade. Techno boffins over at Microsoft have developed the solution to the problem of our bloated off-spring, they have developed a fake computer child… Milo.
http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/10623423
This new computer based lad has been in development over at Microsoft for a while now, and though a previous incarnation of the digital littl’un was revealed back in 08, a brand new finished and more boy-like version has been unveiled this week, at some great fucking gadget-jizz fest. The hi-def electro-kid is to be launched on the Xbox using their new Kinect technology, which is designed like the Wii, it picks up your movements and then relays them to the computer box. This is meant to make the Wii look like a load of shit crammed in to a white box, as the censors will pick up entire body movements (not just stick waving), so even more flummoxing about like a complete prick in your living room… aces!
The child they have made is called Milo, and each Milo will be entirely different says creator Peter Molyneux, who looks like a cross between Vince Cable and some eyebrow remover… Milo is in essence a new Tamagotchi for the 21st century, but instead of an LCD puppy, which is mildly amusing to starve to death, you have a full grown child at your mercy. And it may have just been the less than perfect resolution on the picture I have seen, but he looks pretty ill as it is, the skin tones on the graphics make him look grey and pasty, still at least there’s a chance you can get your new computer son to some good footy matches with the Make A Wish foundation…
But your new computer sprog unlike a tamagotchi will respond to your facial expression and body language, and apparently flap his gums incessantly like a real little boy. Which offers users to be just like real parents, well in as much that you can pass on your neurosis, force them to live your dreams and crush there spirit daily… The temptation to spit on a hankie and wipe his big screen face must be huge. Peter Molyneux the designer is pretty bloody pleased with his kiddyware, and he seriously thinks this is the beginning of a new dawn in home entertainment… "Films, TV, even hallowed books, are just rubbish because they don't involve me," he said. "It's a sea of blandness."… Well, given the look of him and the fact that he is a software designer who made his name in 80s text based business simulators, its pretty good for books and film that they aren’t about him, I dare say if the protagonist of the T2 was a software designer/Larry David lookalike sent from the future, John Connor would have been royally fudged. But though Mr Molyneux comes across as an odious little twat-smear, I get the distinct impression that Milo will be a big hit and I imagine that next Christmas (or when ever it comes out) living rooms all over the world will be fill of people talking to their cyber kid and getting all schmaltzy as it learns there name or smiles back at them, vomit. Of corse this nauseating scene will be neutralised by the creation of digital bullies who make poor little Milo cower as they threaten him with violence and psychologically scar him with constant put downs…
This sort of thing is all well and good, and Milo represents the pinnacle of a long emerging technology but where does it all end, and who will look after Milo once the shine rubs off and you think "fuck talking to this little goit, where’s Halo 3?" I still feel for my wife’s “Nintendog” Terrence who she cruelly abandoned as whistling and calling his name made her look like a twat, heartless woman…
Well I wish Milo all the luck in the world, and fingers crossed he goes to a good home when Milo 2 comes out, my kids wont have it, I’d prefer they had real friends, call me old fashioned. I just hope this is not the beginning of a “parent-hero” craze, where groups of twats upload their sprogs and have digital toddler groups… Just me being cynical I am sure…
Well there you go, short woe… hope you enjoyed it, have a good weekend.
You cant follow me on Twitter, so please stop asking.
Woe
A little while ago I wrote a blog which was essentially mocking very sick children, but it was OK as the thing killing them was fat and not cancer so it was ok to laugh, titter-titter-tee-hee. Well it appears that I am not the only one to have noticed the increasing plumpness of our children and the gross waste of nugget meat they have become in the last decade. Techno boffins over at Microsoft have developed the solution to the problem of our bloated off-spring, they have developed a fake computer child… Milo.
http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/10623423
This new computer based lad has been in development over at Microsoft for a while now, and though a previous incarnation of the digital littl’un was revealed back in 08, a brand new finished and more boy-like version has been unveiled this week, at some great fucking gadget-jizz fest. The hi-def electro-kid is to be launched on the Xbox using their new Kinect technology, which is designed like the Wii, it picks up your movements and then relays them to the computer box. This is meant to make the Wii look like a load of shit crammed in to a white box, as the censors will pick up entire body movements (not just stick waving), so even more flummoxing about like a complete prick in your living room… aces!
The child they have made is called Milo, and each Milo will be entirely different says creator Peter Molyneux, who looks like a cross between Vince Cable and some eyebrow remover… Milo is in essence a new Tamagotchi for the 21st century, but instead of an LCD puppy, which is mildly amusing to starve to death, you have a full grown child at your mercy. And it may have just been the less than perfect resolution on the picture I have seen, but he looks pretty ill as it is, the skin tones on the graphics make him look grey and pasty, still at least there’s a chance you can get your new computer son to some good footy matches with the Make A Wish foundation…
But your new computer sprog unlike a tamagotchi will respond to your facial expression and body language, and apparently flap his gums incessantly like a real little boy. Which offers users to be just like real parents, well in as much that you can pass on your neurosis, force them to live your dreams and crush there spirit daily… The temptation to spit on a hankie and wipe his big screen face must be huge. Peter Molyneux the designer is pretty bloody pleased with his kiddyware, and he seriously thinks this is the beginning of a new dawn in home entertainment… "Films, TV, even hallowed books, are just rubbish because they don't involve me," he said. "It's a sea of blandness."… Well, given the look of him and the fact that he is a software designer who made his name in 80s text based business simulators, its pretty good for books and film that they aren’t about him, I dare say if the protagonist of the T2 was a software designer/Larry David lookalike sent from the future, John Connor would have been royally fudged. But though Mr Molyneux comes across as an odious little twat-smear, I get the distinct impression that Milo will be a big hit and I imagine that next Christmas (or when ever it comes out) living rooms all over the world will be fill of people talking to their cyber kid and getting all schmaltzy as it learns there name or smiles back at them, vomit. Of corse this nauseating scene will be neutralised by the creation of digital bullies who make poor little Milo cower as they threaten him with violence and psychologically scar him with constant put downs…
This sort of thing is all well and good, and Milo represents the pinnacle of a long emerging technology but where does it all end, and who will look after Milo once the shine rubs off and you think "fuck talking to this little goit, where’s Halo 3?" I still feel for my wife’s “Nintendog” Terrence who she cruelly abandoned as whistling and calling his name made her look like a twat, heartless woman…
Well I wish Milo all the luck in the world, and fingers crossed he goes to a good home when Milo 2 comes out, my kids wont have it, I’d prefer they had real friends, call me old fashioned. I just hope this is not the beginning of a “parent-hero” craze, where groups of twats upload their sprogs and have digital toddler groups… Just me being cynical I am sure…
Well there you go, short woe… hope you enjoyed it, have a good weekend.
You cant follow me on Twitter, so please stop asking.
Woe
Thursday, 15 July 2010
DoesNotCompute
Hello again, right hopefully this will work, I have written 4 intros already today and every time I have had some great fucking meltdown between the version of Word I am using and the version of Office I am using. I don’t know why, its never done it before, but every time it has happened it has sent both programs spiraling wildly out of control, which in PC terms means frozen bollock still… anyway, seeing as how I have already written 4 different shite-stained intros, I shall dispense the usual formalities and cut straight to… Aldershot Woes Episode 24: Technology.
I am a fairly chilled person, this is for a few good reasons, firstly I was literally stoned off my face for a solid decade, and though I grew up and left the gangee in the past, the mellowness has left its footprint in my eternal soul, another reason is I am generally to lazy to get worked up about things, it requires a tremendous amount of effort to be enraged by something, and I really don’t have the time for it. The last and probably biggest reason I hate getting mad about things is, and this is true for everyone, you look like an absolute cock when you do. You get hot and bothered, usually sweaty, you say things that are pretty abhorrent and instantly regrettable, and once you have shouted your mouth off and kicked and punched and head-butted and gauged and spat at what ever it is that has got you all worked up like a Guardian reader at a meat and pollution expo, hosted by Jeremy Clarkson wearing a George Dubbya Bush T-shirt made of misappropriated foreign aid money and dead polar bears, you are left shaking like a leaf as the adrenaline surges through your body and you come to the realization that the hell of the last few minutes was in public and you could well be the biggest boob that has ever lived and you want to drown in a lake of your own complete prickishness! All public shows of real emotion are an embarrassment but the over riding wang-factor that goes with raging is just too much to even contemplate… But as I have found out this morning technology is able to coax me out of my shell of chillaxation and lure me in to the lime light of being a complete dick-shaft all too easily.
Technology is smug shiny bright flashing beeping twat of a bastard, and if we all lived in caves and beat dinosaurs over the head for our tea and wore shitty fucking saber tooth tiger tunics I would be far happier than I am now lost in a sea of twattish useless technology, that I am not only being told I cant live with out I am now being forced in to a situation where I actually can’t live with out… well unless I go and become some sort of hermit, but I’d get lonely and end up scribbling hate filled tirades of bad grammar and anger on the wall of my cave (not a million miles from where I am right now)… Technology, urghhhrrrr.
The worst part of my relationship with technology is this, given my age I should be on the fucking cusp, I should have an I-phone and know how to set up my broadband properly and I should be able to download shit for free rather than pay for it like a mug. I ought to be able to watch streaming football matches and I ought to know how to get my laptop to stop loading a zillion different things I don’t want when I start it up... Why do I have so many different Anti-Virus things start up at once? MacAfee are telling me I need to update NOW, Norton are assuring me if I don’t renew or install the full version my family will be killed in their sleep by Nigerian fraudsters. It’s completely befuddling, and once that’s done Real Player is trying to log on to my internet to offer me updates I have to download and telling all about the latest MP3s and a whole host of other shite I have no interest in, then as soon as that’s done, a Nokia app I thought I had to install to see the pics on phone pipes up, then I-tunes and they all start fighting with each other because WMP is the set media player and I really ought to change to another one as they all start vying for me attention… anyway 50 minutes later, my laptop which is still newish and good(ish) is in some sort of working order… God it’s a tremendous fucking bore just to find the footy results as the wife is annoyed at me checking via the “Red-Button” every 2 seconds… But this infinite technological headache is made a thousand times worse due to the fact I have NO excuse for not being a techo-wiz-kid like the average 9 year old.
I am 27, when I was at school the internet was still in its infancy in terms of the number of people who had it, I had a few mates who were well off and they had the “NET”. But I had no interest in it and no chance of any home based technological influence as my mums idea of technology is usually a fucking Camping gadget (“it’s a knife, fork, spoon, bowl, and plate all in one, it saves us precious packing space!!”) and my dad up until 2 years ago was still fighting this newfangled devil disc called a CD??? But I do remember going to my friend’s houses and seeing first hand the marvel of the internet when I was about 15 or so, and I was not impressed at all. All it seemed to be was an endless string of chat-rooms and incredibly shit games. Look were playing Ski3, but with some one in Denmark!!! Wowsers… I honestly thought it would go the way of the bar-code battler or the game of Scatch (remember that the Velcro padded tennis ball catching game?)… But it didn’t get old and boring, apparently I did. My family did finally get a PC at the very end of the last millennium, just in time for my dad to be sure it would kill us all at the stroke of midnight on New Years Eve as Y2K kicked in and the shitty Gateway PC we had grew arms and strangled us in our sleep thanks to the dreaded Millennium Bug. What the fuck was all that about? “beware all as on the start of the new millennium your PCs internal clock will rollover and start at zero, casting society back to the days of Christ!!”. Anyway, I was dumfounded by the thing but I did learn how to watch highly amusing videos of frogs in blenders, and I also managed to navigate my way to websites where you could see honest to god real dead celebrities… the internet was very shit for a long time.
Badly animated 80s cartoon parodies and dead celebrities aside, I found little or no use for the internet at all. In the distance I can hear readers cry out loud the word “porn”, as though I have missed the great keystone of the internet, but alas the world of late 90s uber slow to load dial-up modem internet porn never tickled my fancy… and with good reason. The newly purchased family PC was located in the dining room, not ideal territory for knocking out a sly one, especially as my dad was camped out with a baseball bat watching the computer with growing paranoia and impending sense of new millennium doom. Although unfortunately my elder brother felt no such qualms in partaking in left handed mouse usage, although his less than IT savvy mind didn’t see fit to hide his trail of internet grub, which led to my mums first foray online beginning in clicking wildly at the address bar in Internet Explorer and ending on a video of Japanese girls getting covered in midget jizz… She hasn’t been online since bless her. Nope, not one good thing about the internet could be found by me… So I more or less ignored it and waited for the next fad to come in. But whilst I was in technological limbo the internet and all its high powered micro-processored buddies were gathering followers and strength, until we are where we are today, the fucking future, and rather than the hover boards and ray-guns we were promised all we have is shiny stupid phones and the ability to tell people what we are doing 24 hours a day, it is not the bright utopia we had hoped for, still at least the Martians haven’t taken over, thank heavens for small mercies.
Now apart from having been born as part of the silicon generation and still not having clue one about how to use a pc, or an i-phone or an i-pod, in fact almost all the entire i-range is beyond my simple grasp, the i-pad has me shitting it, there is another reason I should be good with this techno stuff… I have worked selling IT for the last 6 years! Yep, I have advised multi million pound corporations on what servers they should go with, on what software they need to buy, I have reeled off the marvels of multi-core processors to government agencies and made serious recommendations about power supply back ups to police forces, I have made heart felt pleas for people to look not only at their data storage, but how they store it, their RAID configurations, and then how they erase the fucking stuff once they’re done with it, safely. And the whole time I have not had an iota of an idea on how to turn “sticky keys” off on Word, or how to install a printer or load songs on to a bastard i-pod… a total hypocrite I know, and all the while still to lazy to actually learn how to do any of this stuff. And now I am a dinosaur before my time, and in a couple of years my kids will be coming home from school and plugging their homework in to the surgically attached i-ports in their heads and virtually whizzing around the world in hi-def super 4D technology and they will look at me like I am a fucking caveman, as I sit there scratching my arse reading a book or playing darts, can you believe it real hold in your hands like a troglodyte darts, not shiney bleeping techno darts… I am an embarrassment.
Technology, it has me over a barrel and has left with no choice but to embrace it with open arms, this is mainly because it actually has some good stuff, well it has slightly updated stuff to when I first saw it, more funny videos (I am tempted to say Virals to sound cool, is that what they are???) and rather than dead celebrities it has alive ones 24/7 and the news is great and comment sections on articles and blogs show the best most wacky and impressively deranged members of the online community. And though I am not a technophobe I will always the sort of person who can put up a brick wall but be fucking clueless with a firewall (surely it can’t be as cool as it sounds?). To an extent I have embraced technology for what it is, part of life and one that is increasingly unavoidable, I wont buy an i-phone and my laptop will always take forever to turn on, but I know enough to spout this gutter shit and put it somewhere unsuspecting member of society can read it ONLINE, which is progress. (infact I only started this blog by accident trying to log on to leave inane comments on Robbos blog!).
Well there you go another day another Woe, you can’t follow me on Twitter as I can’t use the fucking thing.
Woe
I am a fairly chilled person, this is for a few good reasons, firstly I was literally stoned off my face for a solid decade, and though I grew up and left the gangee in the past, the mellowness has left its footprint in my eternal soul, another reason is I am generally to lazy to get worked up about things, it requires a tremendous amount of effort to be enraged by something, and I really don’t have the time for it. The last and probably biggest reason I hate getting mad about things is, and this is true for everyone, you look like an absolute cock when you do. You get hot and bothered, usually sweaty, you say things that are pretty abhorrent and instantly regrettable, and once you have shouted your mouth off and kicked and punched and head-butted and gauged and spat at what ever it is that has got you all worked up like a Guardian reader at a meat and pollution expo, hosted by Jeremy Clarkson wearing a George Dubbya Bush T-shirt made of misappropriated foreign aid money and dead polar bears, you are left shaking like a leaf as the adrenaline surges through your body and you come to the realization that the hell of the last few minutes was in public and you could well be the biggest boob that has ever lived and you want to drown in a lake of your own complete prickishness! All public shows of real emotion are an embarrassment but the over riding wang-factor that goes with raging is just too much to even contemplate… But as I have found out this morning technology is able to coax me out of my shell of chillaxation and lure me in to the lime light of being a complete dick-shaft all too easily.
Technology is smug shiny bright flashing beeping twat of a bastard, and if we all lived in caves and beat dinosaurs over the head for our tea and wore shitty fucking saber tooth tiger tunics I would be far happier than I am now lost in a sea of twattish useless technology, that I am not only being told I cant live with out I am now being forced in to a situation where I actually can’t live with out… well unless I go and become some sort of hermit, but I’d get lonely and end up scribbling hate filled tirades of bad grammar and anger on the wall of my cave (not a million miles from where I am right now)… Technology, urghhhrrrr.
The worst part of my relationship with technology is this, given my age I should be on the fucking cusp, I should have an I-phone and know how to set up my broadband properly and I should be able to download shit for free rather than pay for it like a mug. I ought to be able to watch streaming football matches and I ought to know how to get my laptop to stop loading a zillion different things I don’t want when I start it up... Why do I have so many different Anti-Virus things start up at once? MacAfee are telling me I need to update NOW, Norton are assuring me if I don’t renew or install the full version my family will be killed in their sleep by Nigerian fraudsters. It’s completely befuddling, and once that’s done Real Player is trying to log on to my internet to offer me updates I have to download and telling all about the latest MP3s and a whole host of other shite I have no interest in, then as soon as that’s done, a Nokia app I thought I had to install to see the pics on phone pipes up, then I-tunes and they all start fighting with each other because WMP is the set media player and I really ought to change to another one as they all start vying for me attention… anyway 50 minutes later, my laptop which is still newish and good(ish) is in some sort of working order… God it’s a tremendous fucking bore just to find the footy results as the wife is annoyed at me checking via the “Red-Button” every 2 seconds… But this infinite technological headache is made a thousand times worse due to the fact I have NO excuse for not being a techo-wiz-kid like the average 9 year old.
I am 27, when I was at school the internet was still in its infancy in terms of the number of people who had it, I had a few mates who were well off and they had the “NET”. But I had no interest in it and no chance of any home based technological influence as my mums idea of technology is usually a fucking Camping gadget (“it’s a knife, fork, spoon, bowl, and plate all in one, it saves us precious packing space!!”) and my dad up until 2 years ago was still fighting this newfangled devil disc called a CD??? But I do remember going to my friend’s houses and seeing first hand the marvel of the internet when I was about 15 or so, and I was not impressed at all. All it seemed to be was an endless string of chat-rooms and incredibly shit games. Look were playing Ski3, but with some one in Denmark!!! Wowsers… I honestly thought it would go the way of the bar-code battler or the game of Scatch (remember that the Velcro padded tennis ball catching game?)… But it didn’t get old and boring, apparently I did. My family did finally get a PC at the very end of the last millennium, just in time for my dad to be sure it would kill us all at the stroke of midnight on New Years Eve as Y2K kicked in and the shitty Gateway PC we had grew arms and strangled us in our sleep thanks to the dreaded Millennium Bug. What the fuck was all that about? “beware all as on the start of the new millennium your PCs internal clock will rollover and start at zero, casting society back to the days of Christ!!”. Anyway, I was dumfounded by the thing but I did learn how to watch highly amusing videos of frogs in blenders, and I also managed to navigate my way to websites where you could see honest to god real dead celebrities… the internet was very shit for a long time.
Badly animated 80s cartoon parodies and dead celebrities aside, I found little or no use for the internet at all. In the distance I can hear readers cry out loud the word “porn”, as though I have missed the great keystone of the internet, but alas the world of late 90s uber slow to load dial-up modem internet porn never tickled my fancy… and with good reason. The newly purchased family PC was located in the dining room, not ideal territory for knocking out a sly one, especially as my dad was camped out with a baseball bat watching the computer with growing paranoia and impending sense of new millennium doom. Although unfortunately my elder brother felt no such qualms in partaking in left handed mouse usage, although his less than IT savvy mind didn’t see fit to hide his trail of internet grub, which led to my mums first foray online beginning in clicking wildly at the address bar in Internet Explorer and ending on a video of Japanese girls getting covered in midget jizz… She hasn’t been online since bless her. Nope, not one good thing about the internet could be found by me… So I more or less ignored it and waited for the next fad to come in. But whilst I was in technological limbo the internet and all its high powered micro-processored buddies were gathering followers and strength, until we are where we are today, the fucking future, and rather than the hover boards and ray-guns we were promised all we have is shiny stupid phones and the ability to tell people what we are doing 24 hours a day, it is not the bright utopia we had hoped for, still at least the Martians haven’t taken over, thank heavens for small mercies.
Now apart from having been born as part of the silicon generation and still not having clue one about how to use a pc, or an i-phone or an i-pod, in fact almost all the entire i-range is beyond my simple grasp, the i-pad has me shitting it, there is another reason I should be good with this techno stuff… I have worked selling IT for the last 6 years! Yep, I have advised multi million pound corporations on what servers they should go with, on what software they need to buy, I have reeled off the marvels of multi-core processors to government agencies and made serious recommendations about power supply back ups to police forces, I have made heart felt pleas for people to look not only at their data storage, but how they store it, their RAID configurations, and then how they erase the fucking stuff once they’re done with it, safely. And the whole time I have not had an iota of an idea on how to turn “sticky keys” off on Word, or how to install a printer or load songs on to a bastard i-pod… a total hypocrite I know, and all the while still to lazy to actually learn how to do any of this stuff. And now I am a dinosaur before my time, and in a couple of years my kids will be coming home from school and plugging their homework in to the surgically attached i-ports in their heads and virtually whizzing around the world in hi-def super 4D technology and they will look at me like I am a fucking caveman, as I sit there scratching my arse reading a book or playing darts, can you believe it real hold in your hands like a troglodyte darts, not shiney bleeping techno darts… I am an embarrassment.
Technology, it has me over a barrel and has left with no choice but to embrace it with open arms, this is mainly because it actually has some good stuff, well it has slightly updated stuff to when I first saw it, more funny videos (I am tempted to say Virals to sound cool, is that what they are???) and rather than dead celebrities it has alive ones 24/7 and the news is great and comment sections on articles and blogs show the best most wacky and impressively deranged members of the online community. And though I am not a technophobe I will always the sort of person who can put up a brick wall but be fucking clueless with a firewall (surely it can’t be as cool as it sounds?). To an extent I have embraced technology for what it is, part of life and one that is increasingly unavoidable, I wont buy an i-phone and my laptop will always take forever to turn on, but I know enough to spout this gutter shit and put it somewhere unsuspecting member of society can read it ONLINE, which is progress. (infact I only started this blog by accident trying to log on to leave inane comments on Robbos blog!).
Well there you go another day another Woe, you can’t follow me on Twitter as I can’t use the fucking thing.
Woe
Tuesday, 13 July 2010
elderly
Back again so soon? Well yeah I am bored and need to extrapolate some of the mind trumps which are spewing out my thinker at an alarming rate… that’s right its 2 in 2 days of the blog equivalent of eating a turd sandwich, it’s the 23rd Aldershot Woe.
Well the Woe-seekers, we have explored all sorts since I started writing this murky thought dribble I call the Aldershot Woes a lot of important things have happened in the world, governments have been formed, world cups have been boring, simpering idiots have been locked in a house with their fate in the hands of members of the public, but I already mentioned the government being formed… hahaha, ohhhh sweet, sweet satire. But we here at the Woes haven’t looked at any of those things, rather than doing what the man has said we should do, we have walked our own rebellious path of retardedness and today is no different... so where as I could bring you an insightful piece of writing about global economics or the wrongs of war or drugs or the increase in teenage mortality rates in inner city communities I am instead going to moan about a far more serious problem… Old People!
I love old people, I just couldn’t eat a whole one… the words of Barry Munton a man who was arrested last month for semi digesting an elderly man in Eastbourne, and though his actions have been wildly condemned by the greycentric media, his actions are gaining support from many corners of society… And why? I’ll tell you why old people are becoming a nuisance…
Medicine it’s great, it enables people to live to 80 and be fit and healthy and never have to suffer, sounds like the shit to me. But what about those over 80, is medicine doing the right thing for these leathery, skeletal members of society or is it abusing its power and playing god, keeping those that should have long since passed on alive and well, and crotchety and smelling like cabbage and wee…
Old people are everywhere you go and if they are not close to death and seriously depressing they sitting on busses talking loudly about their grandchildren or trying to partake in conversations with strangers and making everyone they do speak to feel bloody awkward. “You’ll be old too one day” I hear may people say, yes and I’ll be a depressing annoying drain on society, only fit for handing out Wurthers Originals or buying lottery tickets. Well its about time we did something about old people as they are set to become the vast majority of us, which means that the depressing bitter near-to-deaths are going to have more power than ever… and do you want that?
No.
People are going to live longer and longer, right now in the UK we have more over 70s than we do under 16s, and given that the vast majority of our under 16s are pregnant, by the time our under 16s become our over 70s the average age of people in the UK will be 300. And given the fact that we will all have to work well in to our early hundreds before we can even think of retiring, society will transform and a grey dawn of the knitted regime will be upon us. The over 70s will be fitter and more affluent than ever before, and society will be forced in to line with its blue-rinsed majority. Lawn bowls will get all the lucrative sponsorship deals, and its best players will be forced in to the limelight and paid millions for their trade. Gucci will start making colostomy bags and Louis Vuitton will design those large shopping bags on wheels old people have which take up all the cocking room on the bus. You’ll get “Smart” mobility scooters and I-phones apps which make it easier to bore the fuck out of people in the post office with pictures of your fucking grandchildren in Australia. Society will be upped an age group and MTV will launch MTV-Wrinkle, a 24hour Sir Cliff and Daniel O’Donnell nitemare, you’ll wear “Incontinence, by Calvin Klein” cologne, and social networking sites will be replaced with anti-social networking sites, where any groups of young people online socialising together have the police called on them and ASBOs issued. All forms of media will need to stop kowtowing to the young and imbecilic and embrace the old and the decrepit, Heat magazine will swap its search for cellulite for a search for liver spots, Nuts will swap fake tits for false limbs and teeth. Otex don’t organise Meat Raffles but if they did they’d probably be the best Meat Raffles in the world. God, all of advertising will swap humour and sex appeal for hard fact and comfy jumpers. The Linx effect will be swapped for the “Old Spice” effect, and rather than being “Tangoed”, people will be “Dandilioned and Burdocked”… Where will it all end.
The orthopaedic shoe will well and truly be on the other foot, the younger facets of society will be forced down the social food chain as gangs of dangerous yoots are swapped for hoards of urban bee-keepers (who in fairness have an excuse for their hoods) and drug dealers are forced out of town as the contraband home made jam mafias move in... it will be us too scared to leave the sanctuary of our homes for fear of abusive groups of seniors, cussing us down in their OAP slang, calling us “Lollygaggers” and “Jacanapes”, rolling around the estates in convoys of pimped-out mobility scooters and accessory laden walking frames. We shall be the intimidated and the scared and the confused, we will be the ones making long ambling phone calls to our parents asking how to set up a game of bridge properly. We will be the ones complaining as elderly neighbours blare out Flanders and Swann at all hours of the day and night. We will be the ones outraged by the scandals on the Archers, and writing to Points of View about the reckless and dangerous behaviour of those trouble makers on 15 to 1. We will become the crushed minority as the grey revolution gathers momentum unless we act now to stop it.
The grey menace is readying itself and everyday its numbers grow, they are preparing for the day to overthrow their young masters, and when we least expect it the air will be filled with the smell of ear medicine and shit, the hum of stair lifts will rage in the distance like a swarm of angry wasps and on that day the balance of power will shift to the elders, and we will forever be lost to the regime of the fogeys.
We must act now to save our selves from the future that awaits us, of having to say everything at least twice and all of TV sets being set as loud as they can go. So the next time you see an old person, try and surprise them to trigger a heart problem, remind them that all young people carry knives and please, ensure they read the daily mail so they know exactly how many foreigners are being paid by the state to rob and terrorise the elderly. It is up to us to stop the “Perminators” from rising.
Good luck, you’ll need it…
Well E23 of the A-Dubs is done and I am actually calling for the blood of senior citizens, a new low even for myself. To be honest I think of the elderly like I do the rich “I will hate you till I become you”… And they are not all bad, although I did, and this is no lie, see an old lady just squat and take a piss in the middle of the carpark behind our flats not long ago… so they aint all good neither!
You can’t follow me on Twitter as I don’t know how to use the laptop, my granddad was meant to show me, but I didn’t really understand it…
Woe
Well the Woe-seekers, we have explored all sorts since I started writing this murky thought dribble I call the Aldershot Woes a lot of important things have happened in the world, governments have been formed, world cups have been boring, simpering idiots have been locked in a house with their fate in the hands of members of the public, but I already mentioned the government being formed… hahaha, ohhhh sweet, sweet satire. But we here at the Woes haven’t looked at any of those things, rather than doing what the man has said we should do, we have walked our own rebellious path of retardedness and today is no different... so where as I could bring you an insightful piece of writing about global economics or the wrongs of war or drugs or the increase in teenage mortality rates in inner city communities I am instead going to moan about a far more serious problem… Old People!
I love old people, I just couldn’t eat a whole one… the words of Barry Munton a man who was arrested last month for semi digesting an elderly man in Eastbourne, and though his actions have been wildly condemned by the greycentric media, his actions are gaining support from many corners of society… And why? I’ll tell you why old people are becoming a nuisance…
Medicine it’s great, it enables people to live to 80 and be fit and healthy and never have to suffer, sounds like the shit to me. But what about those over 80, is medicine doing the right thing for these leathery, skeletal members of society or is it abusing its power and playing god, keeping those that should have long since passed on alive and well, and crotchety and smelling like cabbage and wee…
Old people are everywhere you go and if they are not close to death and seriously depressing they sitting on busses talking loudly about their grandchildren or trying to partake in conversations with strangers and making everyone they do speak to feel bloody awkward. “You’ll be old too one day” I hear may people say, yes and I’ll be a depressing annoying drain on society, only fit for handing out Wurthers Originals or buying lottery tickets. Well its about time we did something about old people as they are set to become the vast majority of us, which means that the depressing bitter near-to-deaths are going to have more power than ever… and do you want that?
No.
People are going to live longer and longer, right now in the UK we have more over 70s than we do under 16s, and given that the vast majority of our under 16s are pregnant, by the time our under 16s become our over 70s the average age of people in the UK will be 300. And given the fact that we will all have to work well in to our early hundreds before we can even think of retiring, society will transform and a grey dawn of the knitted regime will be upon us. The over 70s will be fitter and more affluent than ever before, and society will be forced in to line with its blue-rinsed majority. Lawn bowls will get all the lucrative sponsorship deals, and its best players will be forced in to the limelight and paid millions for their trade. Gucci will start making colostomy bags and Louis Vuitton will design those large shopping bags on wheels old people have which take up all the cocking room on the bus. You’ll get “Smart” mobility scooters and I-phones apps which make it easier to bore the fuck out of people in the post office with pictures of your fucking grandchildren in Australia. Society will be upped an age group and MTV will launch MTV-Wrinkle, a 24hour Sir Cliff and Daniel O’Donnell nitemare, you’ll wear “Incontinence, by Calvin Klein” cologne, and social networking sites will be replaced with anti-social networking sites, where any groups of young people online socialising together have the police called on them and ASBOs issued. All forms of media will need to stop kowtowing to the young and imbecilic and embrace the old and the decrepit, Heat magazine will swap its search for cellulite for a search for liver spots, Nuts will swap fake tits for false limbs and teeth. Otex don’t organise Meat Raffles but if they did they’d probably be the best Meat Raffles in the world. God, all of advertising will swap humour and sex appeal for hard fact and comfy jumpers. The Linx effect will be swapped for the “Old Spice” effect, and rather than being “Tangoed”, people will be “Dandilioned and Burdocked”… Where will it all end.
The orthopaedic shoe will well and truly be on the other foot, the younger facets of society will be forced down the social food chain as gangs of dangerous yoots are swapped for hoards of urban bee-keepers (who in fairness have an excuse for their hoods) and drug dealers are forced out of town as the contraband home made jam mafias move in... it will be us too scared to leave the sanctuary of our homes for fear of abusive groups of seniors, cussing us down in their OAP slang, calling us “Lollygaggers” and “Jacanapes”, rolling around the estates in convoys of pimped-out mobility scooters and accessory laden walking frames. We shall be the intimidated and the scared and the confused, we will be the ones making long ambling phone calls to our parents asking how to set up a game of bridge properly. We will be the ones complaining as elderly neighbours blare out Flanders and Swann at all hours of the day and night. We will be the ones outraged by the scandals on the Archers, and writing to Points of View about the reckless and dangerous behaviour of those trouble makers on 15 to 1. We will become the crushed minority as the grey revolution gathers momentum unless we act now to stop it.
The grey menace is readying itself and everyday its numbers grow, they are preparing for the day to overthrow their young masters, and when we least expect it the air will be filled with the smell of ear medicine and shit, the hum of stair lifts will rage in the distance like a swarm of angry wasps and on that day the balance of power will shift to the elders, and we will forever be lost to the regime of the fogeys.
We must act now to save our selves from the future that awaits us, of having to say everything at least twice and all of TV sets being set as loud as they can go. So the next time you see an old person, try and surprise them to trigger a heart problem, remind them that all young people carry knives and please, ensure they read the daily mail so they know exactly how many foreigners are being paid by the state to rob and terrorise the elderly. It is up to us to stop the “Perminators” from rising.
Good luck, you’ll need it…
Well E23 of the A-Dubs is done and I am actually calling for the blood of senior citizens, a new low even for myself. To be honest I think of the elderly like I do the rich “I will hate you till I become you”… And they are not all bad, although I did, and this is no lie, see an old lady just squat and take a piss in the middle of the carpark behind our flats not long ago… so they aint all good neither!
You can’t follow me on Twitter as I don’t know how to use the laptop, my granddad was meant to show me, but I didn’t really understand it…
Woe
Monday, 12 July 2010
Positive
So here we are once more, the weekend is gone and it has taken the world cup with it for another four years. And now as the hangover of the last 4 weeks sets in we find ourselves rolling over to see what football has become in the cold light of sobriety, and good fucking god, we’ve just been banging a minger for the last four weeks! What has footy become, that’s the shittest world cup in my life easily, even worse than 94 when we all supported the fucking paddies for a fortnight… and that was the cocking yanks putting that one on. But who cares about that anyway, leagues back on soon enough and to fill the tedium of life between then we have the 22nd edition of the Aldershot Woes…. Fuck, we are in trouble!
The last Woes have been, well… woeful, which despite the title isn’t necessarily what we go for around here, the aim generally is a witty insight in to whatever hits my thought box at around this stage of writing whatever it is I am going to write, so bollocks to the doom and gloom for today. I mean so what if humanity is up shit creak, in a boat made of shit with no paddle, as that was also made of shit and has fallen in to the creek of shitness as it was all slippy and nutty, and now not only are we stuck up shit creek in a boat made of shit with no paddle our hands are all covered in shit as well, ahrgh, and now we have an itchy eye and the only way to scratch it will result in having our eyes pasted in shit! It’s not a big deal really is it? Of course not… well probably not. Anyway let’s remove the permanent anchor of impending doom and get ourselves a well earned dose of happiness and frivolity as we put on a wacky t-shirt, talk in silly voices and skip merrily through the world of…. Positivity.
I am an incredibly annoying person for many reasons, as it would be obvious to anyone familiar with this blog, but the most annoying thing about me is I am chirpy in the face of any adversity. It grates on my wife’s nerves something rotten, and I completely understand why. When you are in a stooper nothing is worse than someone being merry and reasonable, it is the worse thing in the world… I know this as I do occasionally go in to seething rages, but over the most flippant things, tv remotes not working, burning toast, my tea getting cold, losing my page in a book, and all the other petty, stupid things men get in to micro-rages about… You know them 2 minute hissy-fits which leave you looking like a total prick, but are completely unavoidable… but when in a mini-rage the worst thing in the world is someone trying to cheer you up or explaining that you shouldn’t be in a rage, and then detailing why you shouldn’t, just to heighten the level of prickyness you already feel. But when it comes to big things, serious problems, financial strife, illness, family problems, deaths, births, marriages, anything that actually matters, I approach them all with a simpering cheeriness that would make you want to cave my skull in with a lump hammer. And apart form my inane and winsome grin trying to smile my way to a resolution, I also embark on a series of completely inappropriate jokes to help the situation along, “Chemotherapy’s not all bad, now you’re streamlined you’ll knock precious seconds off your 100 meters breast-stroke”…followed by my own self satisfied chuckles. How I have not been murdered or at least seriously beaten remains a mystery.
For the longest time I believed I acted this way out of some nervous defense system, “Lookout, life’s coming, make a joke or it’ll get you and make you cry… like a little girl… in front of everyone you know!”. I actually dreaded it and lived in constant fear of the next time some thing important happened to someone and I ruined it and get a great mouth full of Stan Smiths. This led me to just do nothing when someone told me something big, my best mate could be telling me that his wife is leaving him and I’d just sit there and try to be nonchalant and wait for the moment to pass, so I don’t unintentionally make the situation about a trillion times worse, however the problem with that is that me trying to look nonchalant looks more like I have a brain condition and am trying to do long division. That is arguably worse than the chuckle and barrage of bad jokes I’d have bottled up inside me. But as I have gotten older I realise that my gallows humor is not a bad thing at all, an inappropriate thing maybe, an annoying thing almost certainly, but not a bad thing… no siree not bad at all.
I do my best to live by a simple code for life, and it is this “Laugh or Cry”. Basically life is always going to have goods and bads these are unavoidable despite our best efforts, and though it is cheesier than a Frenchman dipped in Brie wearing a Camembert hat and Emmental de Savoie shoes, being upset about things for an unreasonable amount of time does nothing to make anything any better ever, so what’s the point… turn that frown upside down! I also strongly believe the best way to deal with any problem is make a joke out of it, no matter what it is as long as you can find comedy in it you can find hope. Its really an old cliché that the world looks better through a smile, but like most clichés it has deep roots of truth, so despite the fact that you may want to cut my face off and throw it like a Frisbee for your dog when I chuckle like a madman at your problems and make a series of highly inappropriate jokes, I shall continue to do so, with an honest comedic sense of good intent in my heart.
Positive, unless were speaking HIV, it’s never a bad thing, and though there are times it is far easier to weep like a fat girl at a salad bar rather than guffaw like a blunt minded nincompoop watching a Will Farrel movie, in the long run it is always better to have hope over despair, and if despair is all you have got then make a joke out of it, like the Jews or English football fans. Life is far too short and tragic to ever really be taken seriously, so what’s the point in being upset about it? It is always better to just love what you have and hope for the best rather than to constantly be sad and bitter and covet all you do not have. That is why Morecambe is Happier than Wise, why Ren is sadder than Stimpy and why you see great seas of blissful simpering morons littering the streets of this country laughing like drains at all they see, yeah they have no money, their mum and dad are cousins and they have 7 toes on each hand, but when an excuse to whoop excitedly and celebrate giddily arises, they wrestle it to the floor, feed it crisps and beer and snigger like banshees. Even over the most mind numbing shit like people getting evicted from Big Brother, although that in itself is a deeply depressing thought, its that ethos of laughing and enjoying life like a relentless prick that will lead to a better life, so see happiness everywhere and seize it in a kung-fu grip. All you can ever do in life is laugh or cry…. Seems like a pretty easy choice to me.
Well that was happier than the last load of bollocks I wroted on the intynets, and somewhere it its garbled hybrid of bad English and confused ranting’s is a message, a
message of hope, of positivity, of always looking on the bright side of life no matter what old lady fate tries to trip you up with. Life is a terrible thing and the only thing that can make it worse is wasting it being a miserable guff-monger of doom. I mean people who take life too serious spend all their time being outraged at what might happen they lose all site of what is happening. And well that’s just a great stinking turd of a way to be if you ask this sniggering, simple minded, grinning imbecile… LOL.
For today only, as I am in a good mood you can follow me on twitter, just don’t dampen my buzz man!
Woe
The last Woes have been, well… woeful, which despite the title isn’t necessarily what we go for around here, the aim generally is a witty insight in to whatever hits my thought box at around this stage of writing whatever it is I am going to write, so bollocks to the doom and gloom for today. I mean so what if humanity is up shit creak, in a boat made of shit with no paddle, as that was also made of shit and has fallen in to the creek of shitness as it was all slippy and nutty, and now not only are we stuck up shit creek in a boat made of shit with no paddle our hands are all covered in shit as well, ahrgh, and now we have an itchy eye and the only way to scratch it will result in having our eyes pasted in shit! It’s not a big deal really is it? Of course not… well probably not. Anyway let’s remove the permanent anchor of impending doom and get ourselves a well earned dose of happiness and frivolity as we put on a wacky t-shirt, talk in silly voices and skip merrily through the world of…. Positivity.
I am an incredibly annoying person for many reasons, as it would be obvious to anyone familiar with this blog, but the most annoying thing about me is I am chirpy in the face of any adversity. It grates on my wife’s nerves something rotten, and I completely understand why. When you are in a stooper nothing is worse than someone being merry and reasonable, it is the worse thing in the world… I know this as I do occasionally go in to seething rages, but over the most flippant things, tv remotes not working, burning toast, my tea getting cold, losing my page in a book, and all the other petty, stupid things men get in to micro-rages about… You know them 2 minute hissy-fits which leave you looking like a total prick, but are completely unavoidable… but when in a mini-rage the worst thing in the world is someone trying to cheer you up or explaining that you shouldn’t be in a rage, and then detailing why you shouldn’t, just to heighten the level of prickyness you already feel. But when it comes to big things, serious problems, financial strife, illness, family problems, deaths, births, marriages, anything that actually matters, I approach them all with a simpering cheeriness that would make you want to cave my skull in with a lump hammer. And apart form my inane and winsome grin trying to smile my way to a resolution, I also embark on a series of completely inappropriate jokes to help the situation along, “Chemotherapy’s not all bad, now you’re streamlined you’ll knock precious seconds off your 100 meters breast-stroke”…followed by my own self satisfied chuckles. How I have not been murdered or at least seriously beaten remains a mystery.
For the longest time I believed I acted this way out of some nervous defense system, “Lookout, life’s coming, make a joke or it’ll get you and make you cry… like a little girl… in front of everyone you know!”. I actually dreaded it and lived in constant fear of the next time some thing important happened to someone and I ruined it and get a great mouth full of Stan Smiths. This led me to just do nothing when someone told me something big, my best mate could be telling me that his wife is leaving him and I’d just sit there and try to be nonchalant and wait for the moment to pass, so I don’t unintentionally make the situation about a trillion times worse, however the problem with that is that me trying to look nonchalant looks more like I have a brain condition and am trying to do long division. That is arguably worse than the chuckle and barrage of bad jokes I’d have bottled up inside me. But as I have gotten older I realise that my gallows humor is not a bad thing at all, an inappropriate thing maybe, an annoying thing almost certainly, but not a bad thing… no siree not bad at all.
I do my best to live by a simple code for life, and it is this “Laugh or Cry”. Basically life is always going to have goods and bads these are unavoidable despite our best efforts, and though it is cheesier than a Frenchman dipped in Brie wearing a Camembert hat and Emmental de Savoie shoes, being upset about things for an unreasonable amount of time does nothing to make anything any better ever, so what’s the point… turn that frown upside down! I also strongly believe the best way to deal with any problem is make a joke out of it, no matter what it is as long as you can find comedy in it you can find hope. Its really an old cliché that the world looks better through a smile, but like most clichés it has deep roots of truth, so despite the fact that you may want to cut my face off and throw it like a Frisbee for your dog when I chuckle like a madman at your problems and make a series of highly inappropriate jokes, I shall continue to do so, with an honest comedic sense of good intent in my heart.
Positive, unless were speaking HIV, it’s never a bad thing, and though there are times it is far easier to weep like a fat girl at a salad bar rather than guffaw like a blunt minded nincompoop watching a Will Farrel movie, in the long run it is always better to have hope over despair, and if despair is all you have got then make a joke out of it, like the Jews or English football fans. Life is far too short and tragic to ever really be taken seriously, so what’s the point in being upset about it? It is always better to just love what you have and hope for the best rather than to constantly be sad and bitter and covet all you do not have. That is why Morecambe is Happier than Wise, why Ren is sadder than Stimpy and why you see great seas of blissful simpering morons littering the streets of this country laughing like drains at all they see, yeah they have no money, their mum and dad are cousins and they have 7 toes on each hand, but when an excuse to whoop excitedly and celebrate giddily arises, they wrestle it to the floor, feed it crisps and beer and snigger like banshees. Even over the most mind numbing shit like people getting evicted from Big Brother, although that in itself is a deeply depressing thought, its that ethos of laughing and enjoying life like a relentless prick that will lead to a better life, so see happiness everywhere and seize it in a kung-fu grip. All you can ever do in life is laugh or cry…. Seems like a pretty easy choice to me.
Well that was happier than the last load of bollocks I wroted on the intynets, and somewhere it its garbled hybrid of bad English and confused ranting’s is a message, a
message of hope, of positivity, of always looking on the bright side of life no matter what old lady fate tries to trip you up with. Life is a terrible thing and the only thing that can make it worse is wasting it being a miserable guff-monger of doom. I mean people who take life too serious spend all their time being outraged at what might happen they lose all site of what is happening. And well that’s just a great stinking turd of a way to be if you ask this sniggering, simple minded, grinning imbecile… LOL.
For today only, as I am in a good mood you can follow me on twitter, just don’t dampen my buzz man!
Woe
Friday, 9 July 2010
Truth
So then, its here at last, the day we all wait for, Friday, and what better way to celebrate the Smokey Bacon of the Walkers selection pack that is “the week” than another mosey through the half-baked, semi retarded, quasi bastard, octo-readable, hexiteenthed wordage, that is the Aldershot Woes… How’do?
Today with the advent of the 21st Woe we enter a world of official adulthood and with an air of newfound maturity on today’s Woe we are going to be taking a look at a subject that is hard to define and is sought as hard as it avoided. It is an unfathomable quantity completely created by man, it is definable through perception alone and means something wholly different to everyone who comes in to touch with it. So with no more delay we put on our crumbiest tweed jackets, shine up our leather elbow patches, stroke our goatees with a look of controlled bewilderment and puff jauntily on our pipes as we take a look in the confusing world of… The Truth.
Honestly.
The truth… what is it, who wants to know and why ever would they want to? Its something we all wonder about constantly, even if we don’t know we are doing it, we are… even right now probably. We use it to define ourselves in both our eyes and the eyes of others, it is the self inflicted bench mark of humanity and the cruel thing is not one of us has a bloody clue what it is… ever. We have built our entire society around this principle, and though the search for it remains a catalyst for human endeavour it is also a huge bloody anchor around our necks. By looking for universal truths and meanings we will never be contented with the simple blessing of existence. Looking for the truths of ourselves in terms of origin, for me, is the biggest waste of time ever, for centuries nerdy guys have locked themselves in laboratories using extreme mathematics and algorithms to predict not only the when but the how of the universe itself. By studying rock patterns and lunar projections and hypothesising the size shape and distance of the universe these boin-dexters have wasted their lives looking for a suitable explanation of how it all began, and even after a life time of study and research the answers are little more than over educated guesses. What a futile waste of human brain power and resources and life. If you woke up one morning surrounded by piles of money, would you spend the rest of your life trying to work out where it all came from or would you get straight down to the old coke and hookers department of your nearest John Lewis??? But again the human obsession with truth enthrals these undoubtedly brilliant minds in to wasting the chances they had of making genuine changes in the world. And if we ever did have concrete evidence of what came before us and how it all happened it would probably be a great fucking disappointment like the StarWars prequels, and would make us more depressed then we are now anyway…
But it isn’t just the truth of exactly who and why and what we are that fills the minds of our species we are also obsessed with social truths, the truths that tell us all how to live and behave and judge others. These truths are entirely manmade and are contorted and shaped to society’s trends, but by and large it is the truth that you should be good and work hard. However this area of truth is where it is most confusing.
Society is a great tug-o-war between bullshit and honesty, and more over the bullshit side is pulling honesty through the mud along his face. People by their very nature are bullshitters, which despite how it sounds is not a bad thing. It is the single greatest defence mechanism of mankind and with out the ability to bullshit the world would have been in ruins long ago. Although our egos would like to believe other wise all compromise is the art of bullshit, with out the skill for 2 opposing parties to bullshit to each other all disagreements would result in eventual conflict. All day everyday people live honest lies for the greater good of themselves and the people they love. Be it going to work or taking the kids to school, eating a healthy breakfast even just getting out of bed in itself is a huge mountain of bullshit most days. Life unfortunately for all of us is a series of shitty tasks performed in the faint hope that one day you will be justified in performing them, and by and large that hope is met. But that does nothing to make doing these things any less bullshit and dishonest. The great paradox of the social truth is the more of a lie your life is, the greater the betrayal it is to the things you want to do and the person you are, the more honest it is. Transversely those that are the most honest in society, those that live by their base desires and put the wants of themselves before all else are the most dishonest in society. Sacrifice is made by all decent members of society all the time, a few monetary sacrifices are thrust upon us by the world we live in, like taxes, but the vast majority of sacrifices we make are completely of our own devices. Having kids is a huge sacrifice, as is serious commitment to someone you love, going to work is a sacrifice, getting along with people is more sacrifice, helping others is another, as is asking for help, caring is a sacrifice, making friends is a sacrifice, walking to the shops is an enormous sacrifice, getting on a bus even bigger than that, putting up with people you simply detest for your job or your home is a sacrifice, living in a world which forces you to be part of it and gives you no power to change or speak or do a damn thing about it is a sacrifice… Life is a crappy series of sacrifices all for the benefit a greater good we don’t understand, but in doing so it enables society to strike a balance that works and grows and occasionally shows the faint glimmer of happiness (ok more than occasionally, but it has to sound bad for my long winded analogy to work). But all of the hardships life throws up are controllable through bullshitting, by turning the other cheek and telling yourself it doesn’t matter, by smiling through gritted teeth, by saying hello to your neighbour when all you really want to do is smash their stupid face in for playing fucking techno at 3 in the morning. Without bullshit being an intricate part of who we are society would explode in a sea of anger. By denying our lazy shitty base human desires by effectively lying to ourselves we are able to achieve things and be part of a society which does fail massively in some areas but could be (and we forget this all to often) about 6 trillion times worse. If we all start being honest with society we embrace the bad nature, and one of the worst flaws of man is the fact it takes no effort at all to be a complete shit sack but to be a decent person you have to work unbearably hard all your life, and even then there is no guarantee.
Wow the truth of society is long and boring and my argument is fractured and made poorly, but I’ve written it now and so it stays, plus I sort of almost make a point half way through. Anyway now on the bit about truth we all care about, how much of a putrid waste of skin, bone and shit are you? Yeah it’s the best till last… the everyday personal truth, and where we search drastically for the truths to the great unknowns and are trapped in a paradox by the truths of society when it comes to personal truths we all start running for our lives like extras in a Godzirra (is that racist?) movie!
Shut up, fuck off and don’t judge me… pretty much the rule of today’s world like contestants in a twisted game show we all do our best to hide our ugliness and general ignorance and every other rancid trait we have, and the best way to hide just how appalling we really are? It’s easy, just cover them bad boys in a thick skin of bullshit, and hope for the best. We all lie, from great big whoppers to tiny little white ones, its just every now and again we have a desperate need to fib like a naughty kid. We usually do this out of social inadequacies or to protect ourselves from some hideous embarrassing truth, that if it ever reared its head would have us chased out of society by an angry crowd with pitch forks! Silly lies like this usually get us in the shit eventually and can spiral rapidly out of control and before you know you’re in some farcical Larry David type situation, we all know that kind of lying is either stupid or in some cases plain cuntish. The lies that go with personal truths though are far more interesting, and less hideous and deplorable. Often the truths we wish to hide, especially for men, are the most endearing ones, as for some reason these are seen as signs of potential weakness. Men have to lie about being tough all the time, and it is shit. I had the bad fortune of growing up in a crap town and unfortunately as a result when I was younger I got involved in fights, I have both beaten and been beaten and numerous times when not been involved in some stupid act of mindless violence I have witnessed the horror and the misery it inflicts at close quarters. I can assure any one if they have any doubt that being tough and fighting is completely shit. Nowadays I, like all other sensible people avoid violence at all costs, yet as a big stinking liar of a human, if some one gives me the evil eye when out and about rather than shy away I will stare back with insincere anger… and why, coz I have to be moron… It’s stupid, men especially spend all our time giving each other dead legs and arm wrestling, when the truth is we hate it like crazy! Women on the other hand put up huge walls of bullshit, in ways that baffle and confuse my simple man-mind. The area that women are least honest it appears to me is with their friends, if you put 2 woman together they will gaggle on for hours about any insipid topic you waft in front of them, they will laugh raucously and seem the very bestest of buddies. But the truth is every woman everywhere hates everyone of her friends intently. Another grey area for truth with women is their appearance, I wont go to in to this for it will sound like a shit stand up, but I will highlight the problem briefly as it is actually a truism for all humanity… and the thing is this. A woman always asks for the truth, but they do not mean the truth, they mean “what do you honestly think I want to hear”. And when it comes to personal truth that’s how we all are, we all know the truth, we know were fat and lazy and dreadful and ugly and stupid, but we desperately want to hear a “truth” that tells us otherwise.
So to summarise we have a confusing and twisted view of the truth, we all seek it when we don’t need to, ignore it when its bad and run from it when its ugly. But I think the biggest problem is that truth is purely down to perception, and though it is measurable for something’s it is meaningless for others, and rather than worry about what others think or how society judges us or exactly why we are here, we need to embrace possibly the only real truth of life. We live, then we die, and we get no second chances… So embrace life to its fullest and make as many pie jokes as you possible can.
Fucking hell, I have written some contrite shit in the past but what was that all about, I don’t know I’ve just been at work tapping bollocks away as I am so desperately bored between doing bits of actual work, I’m also tired as anything and not in the jolliest of moods… Ah well, at least I have some good honest as the day is long bollocks written, cor what a load of shite though, and whats with the end, very corny indeed…. Anyway it’s the weekend so who fucking cares, I’ll try and be funny on Monday!
You can follow me on twitter if you want but I am very honest and I will call you a cunt-sniff.
Woe
Today with the advent of the 21st Woe we enter a world of official adulthood and with an air of newfound maturity on today’s Woe we are going to be taking a look at a subject that is hard to define and is sought as hard as it avoided. It is an unfathomable quantity completely created by man, it is definable through perception alone and means something wholly different to everyone who comes in to touch with it. So with no more delay we put on our crumbiest tweed jackets, shine up our leather elbow patches, stroke our goatees with a look of controlled bewilderment and puff jauntily on our pipes as we take a look in the confusing world of… The Truth.
Honestly.
The truth… what is it, who wants to know and why ever would they want to? Its something we all wonder about constantly, even if we don’t know we are doing it, we are… even right now probably. We use it to define ourselves in both our eyes and the eyes of others, it is the self inflicted bench mark of humanity and the cruel thing is not one of us has a bloody clue what it is… ever. We have built our entire society around this principle, and though the search for it remains a catalyst for human endeavour it is also a huge bloody anchor around our necks. By looking for universal truths and meanings we will never be contented with the simple blessing of existence. Looking for the truths of ourselves in terms of origin, for me, is the biggest waste of time ever, for centuries nerdy guys have locked themselves in laboratories using extreme mathematics and algorithms to predict not only the when but the how of the universe itself. By studying rock patterns and lunar projections and hypothesising the size shape and distance of the universe these boin-dexters have wasted their lives looking for a suitable explanation of how it all began, and even after a life time of study and research the answers are little more than over educated guesses. What a futile waste of human brain power and resources and life. If you woke up one morning surrounded by piles of money, would you spend the rest of your life trying to work out where it all came from or would you get straight down to the old coke and hookers department of your nearest John Lewis??? But again the human obsession with truth enthrals these undoubtedly brilliant minds in to wasting the chances they had of making genuine changes in the world. And if we ever did have concrete evidence of what came before us and how it all happened it would probably be a great fucking disappointment like the StarWars prequels, and would make us more depressed then we are now anyway…
But it isn’t just the truth of exactly who and why and what we are that fills the minds of our species we are also obsessed with social truths, the truths that tell us all how to live and behave and judge others. These truths are entirely manmade and are contorted and shaped to society’s trends, but by and large it is the truth that you should be good and work hard. However this area of truth is where it is most confusing.
Society is a great tug-o-war between bullshit and honesty, and more over the bullshit side is pulling honesty through the mud along his face. People by their very nature are bullshitters, which despite how it sounds is not a bad thing. It is the single greatest defence mechanism of mankind and with out the ability to bullshit the world would have been in ruins long ago. Although our egos would like to believe other wise all compromise is the art of bullshit, with out the skill for 2 opposing parties to bullshit to each other all disagreements would result in eventual conflict. All day everyday people live honest lies for the greater good of themselves and the people they love. Be it going to work or taking the kids to school, eating a healthy breakfast even just getting out of bed in itself is a huge mountain of bullshit most days. Life unfortunately for all of us is a series of shitty tasks performed in the faint hope that one day you will be justified in performing them, and by and large that hope is met. But that does nothing to make doing these things any less bullshit and dishonest. The great paradox of the social truth is the more of a lie your life is, the greater the betrayal it is to the things you want to do and the person you are, the more honest it is. Transversely those that are the most honest in society, those that live by their base desires and put the wants of themselves before all else are the most dishonest in society. Sacrifice is made by all decent members of society all the time, a few monetary sacrifices are thrust upon us by the world we live in, like taxes, but the vast majority of sacrifices we make are completely of our own devices. Having kids is a huge sacrifice, as is serious commitment to someone you love, going to work is a sacrifice, getting along with people is more sacrifice, helping others is another, as is asking for help, caring is a sacrifice, making friends is a sacrifice, walking to the shops is an enormous sacrifice, getting on a bus even bigger than that, putting up with people you simply detest for your job or your home is a sacrifice, living in a world which forces you to be part of it and gives you no power to change or speak or do a damn thing about it is a sacrifice… Life is a crappy series of sacrifices all for the benefit a greater good we don’t understand, but in doing so it enables society to strike a balance that works and grows and occasionally shows the faint glimmer of happiness (ok more than occasionally, but it has to sound bad for my long winded analogy to work). But all of the hardships life throws up are controllable through bullshitting, by turning the other cheek and telling yourself it doesn’t matter, by smiling through gritted teeth, by saying hello to your neighbour when all you really want to do is smash their stupid face in for playing fucking techno at 3 in the morning. Without bullshit being an intricate part of who we are society would explode in a sea of anger. By denying our lazy shitty base human desires by effectively lying to ourselves we are able to achieve things and be part of a society which does fail massively in some areas but could be (and we forget this all to often) about 6 trillion times worse. If we all start being honest with society we embrace the bad nature, and one of the worst flaws of man is the fact it takes no effort at all to be a complete shit sack but to be a decent person you have to work unbearably hard all your life, and even then there is no guarantee.
Wow the truth of society is long and boring and my argument is fractured and made poorly, but I’ve written it now and so it stays, plus I sort of almost make a point half way through. Anyway now on the bit about truth we all care about, how much of a putrid waste of skin, bone and shit are you? Yeah it’s the best till last… the everyday personal truth, and where we search drastically for the truths to the great unknowns and are trapped in a paradox by the truths of society when it comes to personal truths we all start running for our lives like extras in a Godzirra (is that racist?) movie!
Shut up, fuck off and don’t judge me… pretty much the rule of today’s world like contestants in a twisted game show we all do our best to hide our ugliness and general ignorance and every other rancid trait we have, and the best way to hide just how appalling we really are? It’s easy, just cover them bad boys in a thick skin of bullshit, and hope for the best. We all lie, from great big whoppers to tiny little white ones, its just every now and again we have a desperate need to fib like a naughty kid. We usually do this out of social inadequacies or to protect ourselves from some hideous embarrassing truth, that if it ever reared its head would have us chased out of society by an angry crowd with pitch forks! Silly lies like this usually get us in the shit eventually and can spiral rapidly out of control and before you know you’re in some farcical Larry David type situation, we all know that kind of lying is either stupid or in some cases plain cuntish. The lies that go with personal truths though are far more interesting, and less hideous and deplorable. Often the truths we wish to hide, especially for men, are the most endearing ones, as for some reason these are seen as signs of potential weakness. Men have to lie about being tough all the time, and it is shit. I had the bad fortune of growing up in a crap town and unfortunately as a result when I was younger I got involved in fights, I have both beaten and been beaten and numerous times when not been involved in some stupid act of mindless violence I have witnessed the horror and the misery it inflicts at close quarters. I can assure any one if they have any doubt that being tough and fighting is completely shit. Nowadays I, like all other sensible people avoid violence at all costs, yet as a big stinking liar of a human, if some one gives me the evil eye when out and about rather than shy away I will stare back with insincere anger… and why, coz I have to be moron… It’s stupid, men especially spend all our time giving each other dead legs and arm wrestling, when the truth is we hate it like crazy! Women on the other hand put up huge walls of bullshit, in ways that baffle and confuse my simple man-mind. The area that women are least honest it appears to me is with their friends, if you put 2 woman together they will gaggle on for hours about any insipid topic you waft in front of them, they will laugh raucously and seem the very bestest of buddies. But the truth is every woman everywhere hates everyone of her friends intently. Another grey area for truth with women is their appearance, I wont go to in to this for it will sound like a shit stand up, but I will highlight the problem briefly as it is actually a truism for all humanity… and the thing is this. A woman always asks for the truth, but they do not mean the truth, they mean “what do you honestly think I want to hear”. And when it comes to personal truth that’s how we all are, we all know the truth, we know were fat and lazy and dreadful and ugly and stupid, but we desperately want to hear a “truth” that tells us otherwise.
So to summarise we have a confusing and twisted view of the truth, we all seek it when we don’t need to, ignore it when its bad and run from it when its ugly. But I think the biggest problem is that truth is purely down to perception, and though it is measurable for something’s it is meaningless for others, and rather than worry about what others think or how society judges us or exactly why we are here, we need to embrace possibly the only real truth of life. We live, then we die, and we get no second chances… So embrace life to its fullest and make as many pie jokes as you possible can.
Fucking hell, I have written some contrite shit in the past but what was that all about, I don’t know I’ve just been at work tapping bollocks away as I am so desperately bored between doing bits of actual work, I’m also tired as anything and not in the jolliest of moods… Ah well, at least I have some good honest as the day is long bollocks written, cor what a load of shite though, and whats with the end, very corny indeed…. Anyway it’s the weekend so who fucking cares, I’ll try and be funny on Monday!
You can follow me on twitter if you want but I am very honest and I will call you a cunt-sniff.
Woe
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